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Post by alexandra on Aug 1, 2019 18:32:57 GMT
Phantom exes are a distancing mechanism. All types of insecure attachment styles are emotionally unavailable, even though each style expresses that very differently. All different sides of the same trauma coin.
As shared already by other posters, DA and FA can fixate on an ex with time and distance because it feeds into their unavailability. It's a way to pine and project that's far more tolerable to their nervous system in a way that also bonus allows them to 1. emotionally distance from any new partners (threats!) 2. minimize the relationship with new partners so it will hurt the avoidant less in case it doesn't work out (I didn't care that much / they weren't "the one" anyway) 3. avoid examining themselves because the problem is clearly that "the one" got away so it's something that was done to them externally (even if they are the ones who initially sabotaged it).
APs can do this too with fantasy crushes or ruminating for ages over the same ex, which is part of their own unavailability. However, I agree with the other posters who say the difference is AP won't usually form serious new relationships in which they are simultaneously pining for someone else, because they just won't feel into the new situation enough and it won't get very far until their desire switches out to someone else (and then, rinse and repeat). But often, those people the AP stay stuck on before getting over it and switching to someone new are unavailable to them and become fantasies as well.
Mostly, it still comes down to fear and an unconscious belief that the insecure doesn't deserve to receive love and be happy, no matter which type, because they didn't get properly conditioned to know how to recognize and receive healthy love earlier in life.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 1, 2019 20:39:04 GMT
Surely APs can have phantom exes too, given the number of APs on this forum who are still pining for people who broke up with them many months or even years ago? Right...but the thing is...I am not dating anyone else while pining about b. I can only “be” with one person....so I don’t date when I have feelings for a guy I previously dated. I would think the whole thing about a phantom ex is that is a person who prevents you from truly being intimate with your existing partner. It is a barrier so to speak....and as an AP,I crave closeness. I may not see a person honestly while with that person, I tend towards idolization....but I don’t pin after an old partner when I am with someone new. I dont see the APs' having phantoms they are just still stuck on that person and wont let them go. Why would AP's have phantom exes? When they can tolerate and want intimacy. As an AP myself, I would not pine over an ex if I was in a new relationship. As my sole focus and craving would be on the one guy. Phantom exes are a distancing mechanism. All types of insecure attachment styles are emotionally unavailable, even though each style expresses that very differently. All different sides of the same trauma coin. As shared already by other posters, DA and FA can fixate on an ex with time and distance because it feeds into their unavailability. It's a way to pine and project that's far more tolerable to their nervous system in a way that also bonus allows them to 1. emotionally distance from any new partners (threats!) 2. minimize the relationship with new partners so it will hurt the avoidant less in case it doesn't work out (I didn't care that much / they weren't "the one" anyway) 3. avoid examining themselves because the problem is clearly that "the one" got away so it's something that was done to them externally (even if they are the ones who initially sabotaged it). APs can do this too with fantasy crushes or ruminating for ages over the same ex, which is part of their own unavailability. However, I agree with the other posters who say the difference is AP won't usually form serious new relationships in which they are simultaneously pining for someone else, because they just won't feel into the new situation enough and it won't get very far until their desire switches out to someone else (and then, rinse and repeat). But often, those people the AP stay stuck on before getting over it and switching to someone new are unavailable to them and become fantasies as well. Mostly, it still comes down to fear and an unconscious belief that the insecure doesn't deserve to receive love and be happy, no matter which type, because they didn't get properly conditioned to know how to recognize and receive healthy love earlier in life. I'm not sure I fully comprehend the distinction, perhaps because I can turn very AP in some relationships/breakups. The phantom exes I have had were not people I fixated on with time and distance, I was extremely excited about them during the relationship and was pulled anxious. They were all FAs who were more avoidant than me and they all dumped me. Are DAs and FAs actually frequently having phantom exes while in serious committed relationships and APs suddenly and completely getting over their exes as soon as they meet someone new they like? Also I sometimes wonder if some people might be quick to assume that any mention of an ex by their partner must be a "phantom ex"? Do you folks think that what follows fits the definition of a "phantom ex"?: I have an ex who I don't see as a phantom personally, because I never had any desire to get back together with him. I broke up with him, never pined for him, never felt romantically or sexually attracted to him again, would never consider getting back together with him. I don't feel that he holds me back in any way from forming new relationships or committing to people ASIDE FROM the strife it has caused that he is still in my life in any way shape or form and my inability to feel ok about completely cutting him out without notice purely to please my partner. I do think about him a lot (the more mad my boyfriend gets about him the more I think of him) and I do want to keep him in my life. Some of the things I think about him are that he was the kindest person I've ever known, that I feel so guilty for hurting him so much, and I do compare subsequent partners to him in some ways (only ever in my head!). The comparison is that no one else has ever been that good and kind or generous to me or tried so hard to understand me. Literally no one in my life. Honestly, most other guys I've dated have objectively been jerks in comparison. Is this a phantom ex? I know my boyfriend would say yes.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 1, 2019 21:36:46 GMT
Are DAs and FAs actually frequently having phantom exes while in serious committed relationships and APs suddenly and completely getting over their exes as soon as they meet someone new they like? Yes, exactly. I think it has to do with APs generally feeling like they need a partner to complete them. It's one thing to miss someone but live your life while getting over it and another to pine and ruminate about it all the time. For the AP, it has more to do with filling the hole in themselves with others (since APs have trouble emotionally regulating themselves internally) so a suitable replacement will do that. Avoidants are doing it because they don't feel comfortable with too much closeness. Also I sometimes wonder if some people might be quick to assume that any mention of an ex by their partner must be a "phantom ex"? I don't think that. I've dated so many avoidants, and I didn't think the majority had phantom exes. But some did. I think in the situation you're describing, you care about an ex of yours as a person but you're not using him to create distance -- when avoidants I've dated mentioned exes, it was often infrequent and just part of some story they were telling me that happened when they happened to be dating someone else. Never bothers me. But for the ones with phantoms, it was a totally different tone, and often when they were deactivating from me after a happy time period. They'd speak of these exes with a spark they could no longer muster for me, in a way that was often a direct comparison and kind of blaming me for not being the ex. Even worse, one started bringing her up in a fawning way and even asked if I wanted to MEET her. They barely talked, so it's not like this was a good friend he wanted to introduce me to as someone in his life, and I never asked anything about her or expressed any interest in having anything to do with her. So, being compared to someone "ideal", to position you as less than, when things already seem to be getting full of eggshells because of deactivation from closeness, is way different than, my ex was a nice guy so we stayed friends and I view it the same as any other friend.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 2, 2019 1:02:27 GMT
Are DAs and FAs actually frequently having phantom exes while in serious committed relationships and APs suddenly and completely getting over their exes as soon as they meet someone new they like? Yes, exactly. I think it has to do with APs generally feeling like they need a partner to complete them. It's one thing to miss someone but live your life while getting over it and another to pine and ruminate about it all the time. For the AP, it has more to do with filling the hole in themselves with others (since APs have trouble emotionally regulating themselves internally) so a suitable replacement will do that. Avoidants are doing it because they don't feel comfortable with too much closeness. Also I sometimes wonder if some people might be quick to assume that any mention of an ex by their partner must be a "phantom ex"? I don't think that. I've dated so many avoidants, and I didn't think the majority had phantom exes. But some did. I think in the situation you're describing, you care about an ex of yours as a person but you're not using him to create distance -- when avoidants I've dated mentioned exes, it was often infrequent and just part of some story they were telling me that happened when they happened to be dating someone else. Never bothers me. But for the ones with phantoms, it was a totally different tone, and often when they were deactivating from me after a happy time period. They'd speak of these exes with a spark they could no longer muster for me, in a way that was often a direct comparison and kind of blaming me for not being the ex. Even worse, one started bringing her up in a fawning way and even asked if I wanted to MEET her. They barely talked, so it's not like this was a good friend he wanted to introduce me to as someone in his life, and I never asked anything about her or expressed any interest in having anything to do with her. So, being compared to someone "ideal", to position you as less than, when things already seem to be getting full of eggshells because of deactivation from closeness, is way different than, my ex was a nice guy so we stayed friends and I view it the same as any other friend. That's so cruel. I've never mentioned a phantom ex to any partner other than the occasional person I was only briefly dating, to tell them, "I don't think I should date you because I'm not over my ex." The type of comments you are talking about I did receive from multiple DAs (or heavily DA-leaning FAs, with some it's not clear) however.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 10, 2019 7:46:13 GMT
my x has a phantom x but i lean more towards AP and i get over xs i don't clnge to xs in the sense that i compare or feel like i'm cheating on a cure t partner once i'm with someone that is it for me because i don't get involved until i'm ready to ... the phantom c is new to me i never had a guy so hung up on an x until this last guy it's been very hurtful to me ..you can read my posts. including tonite which brought me back here ....
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