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Post by kisstheviolets on Jul 31, 2019 3:20:32 GMT
Hi everyone!
Pondering some behaviors I don’t understand.
For example
Sending a message with a specific targeted question, yes or no would suffice for a reply.
Instead, the reply is, I’m doing something I’ll reply later.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 31, 2019 3:42:25 GMT
Avoidance.
This question feels uncomfortable for some reason. I don't want to deal with it (possibly triggered and shut down). But I don't want to be rude? I'll deal with it later!
Or, I don't want to have to say no because that feels like I'm disappointing someone, so I'd rather just put it off and not answer until it's obvious the answer is no and I didn't have to be the bad guy.
Or, unconsciously, I'm shut down and not feeling my feelings or present in general right now, not even for myself. Oops, I legitimately forgot all about it.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 31, 2019 5:03:05 GMT
Inconsistent people don't want to make solid decisions. That means, they don't want to commit to getting off the fence OR staying on it. The best thing you can do is understand what you want, ask for it, and make the decision for yourself if you're not getting a satisfying response.
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Post by serenity on Jul 31, 2019 23:53:58 GMT
The FA's I've been involved with romantically definitely swung hot and cold if we didn't live together. If they were having a cold day (often following a really nice fun time together) I let them be, and after 2-3 days usually they'd be `hot' again. It was usually okay if i initiated the contact myself, though more frequently I'd wait for them to get through whatever they were feeling, and do my own stuff. This was mainly for me, because it sucks reaching out and then feeling ignored.
I sensed it was something to do with them processing things slowly, and not something they could really help.
Alexandra, do you think there is a difference between a `secure person' and a `secure attachment' at all? I would think completely ignoring a partners emotional need for downtime would promote insecure attachment with the person they love.? Great advice to know your own boundaries and stick to them though.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 1, 2019 0:29:08 GMT
serenity, yes. You can have a primarily insecure attachment style yet have a secure attachment with a friend, partner, parent, etc. Basically, you don't fear abandonment or engulfment with that person so they maybe aren't triggering you directly. Some attachment tests will ask you how you feel about different people in your life, show you your security with each and give you an overall attachment style. When AP, I was generally overall AP and AP with partners, but secure with friends and family.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 1, 2019 1:53:43 GMT
I also think it is much easier to give a quick response to someone who does not mean as much....because there is not as much at stake.
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Post by serenity on Aug 1, 2019 9:23:12 GMT
Thanks so much alexandra, I appreciated you explaining how the tests work. I would love to talk to you more about this, But I'm so tired right now... hope to continue the discussion soon! Been loving reading your insightful posts.
tnr9, I agree with that. Intimacy can be such a struggle for some people.
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