Post by jules on Jul 31, 2019 16:16:57 GMT
Hello all,
So after many days of not responding to him, I reached out. I expressed that he had hurt me. I said I get that he does not intend to, but it does, infact, hurt. He explained that in light of my situation he gave space to me for me to deal with my presumed emotions. I told him I did so for 3 days and then I was ready and reached out to see him (after 6 days, but we had texted every day). Balance. I take care of me, then I resurface. I share that response, but not to the same degree.I respect both of our time lines, ways...I think we have something deep to learn from each other. I shared that perhaps he was responding to me as he would have liked not as I was asking him to. I think that's reasonable and I hope he's noodled on that! Lol.
He basically says nothing when I share these things (which I have mentioned) but I let it ride. I know he heard me. Not one to drone on about little things. (Actually all via text) and he then apologized if that was "not the right move. "
I can see how much he tries! And he is really made so much forward movement in the past few months. He's not ever negative, that's honestly one of the most exceptional things about him. I really have a soft spot for this tender individual! Emphasis on individual, he is so uniquely him and he owns it. So very attractive to me. Anywho, I told him he should take my daughter and I to dinner as he had told her previously he would. We had a great evening. He suprised her with an incredible gift. Something she mentioned to me, I inturn to him...He remembered and got it for her! He always remembers things I say and produces things for me. It's very sweet. ( altho, kinda odd, wheb he gave it to her, he looked at me and said "are you gonna cry? Cry!" Which kinda rang a faint sadistic bell. I dunno, was odd. I had once mentioned he may do this (gifting) to smooth over some of his ways. I still believe that some but I also just feel this is how he is comfortable showing he cares. And I am very firm that he also has a collecting/shopping thing. OCD with cleanliness and organization too. Which I can get down with. Lol. He does collect a great many different things, shoes, cars, watches, bikes. And a shit ton of alcohol. Not alarmed tho, don't think he is one (I def. am) Maybe a stockpile of things? Not hoarding bc the place is immaculate...I digress.
He took off work the following day and we joined him at his home. He gave my daughter a driving lesson in his truck. We had lunch which was great. He met us back at my house for dinner and he stayed the night. Naturally incredible sex. He texted with our standard kinda touch base right up until now. (2 days)
At lunch I mentioned I made a therapy appt with my previous therapist for today. He was mighty curious, even down to the distance. Why? I told him I need a tune up. He was wondering why can't meet the therapist in a coffee shop. And I said not the place to share your darkest and deepest. Think I blew his mind. Lol. So, the seed is planted! Lest I forget ever, the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit! Baby steps. I continue on my journey regardless.
I asked my sister last night if she ever studied attachment. As it turns out her late live in boyfriend was avoidant not sure if DA or FA. She told me to not take the shut downs personally and give him space. All of which I have been doing. Don't overwhelm him. I try not to, but I can see how things could have wirked out that way. You know, maybe asking to meet his child/family...was too big a motion. That seed too, planted. I feel we will figure us out in due time. "Things I must earn,TIME...an AA slogan. Lol. As an alcoholic (in recovery) I have a tendency to want what I want when I want it. I need to apply the tools I learnt to recover to all aspects of my life. Constant growth and sometimes uncomfortableness. Usually when I do my best growing!
Last week I was running scared. This week I'm going to take it one day at a time. There are blips, but overwhelmingly this is a man I want to know. I want my child to experience his spirit and vice versa. Makes me all warm and beamy! He is a very soft plave to fall for me, and I have shared some very heavy things with him. He seems to be following my lead some and growing too overall. For that I am grateful. The distance was making me anxious. I dont care for that feeling. Why I made this appointment with therapist. I need to center and rectify me, by myself.
He is likely meant to teach me patience and perspective. Measured thinking and speaking, action...and I hope that I can show him somethin' too.
I explained to my daughter sometimes he confirns with me repeatedly if I want his company if I have aleeady invited him over. He did this after lunch sitting in his yard when I invited him for dinner. It's almost as if he can't believe it. (Sometimes when I confirm he actually says "really?", grabs my heart. I have told him before his self talk is sometimes stinky. He has so many idiosyncrasies, none bad, lots endearing, some sad. I don't know.
He said some other things that made me wonder but I have to get going to that therapy apt.
What do we think?
I should cool my jets here and quit being the one to always want to bail on this man? Actually every time we have broken up was my doing. He has never left. It may be work, but he's worth it. I'm work but I am definitely worth it. I can only fix me and clean my side of the street, am aware. We are all pieces of art in progress.
I need to check myself, I think. Lol.
Thanks for "listening". Sorry I was all over the place. Soooo excited to see my therapist!! This helped to organize my head too! Good stuff!!
Have a good day.
Jules
So after many days of not responding to him, I reached out. I expressed that he had hurt me. I said I get that he does not intend to, but it does, infact, hurt. He explained that in light of my situation he gave space to me for me to deal with my presumed emotions. I told him I did so for 3 days and then I was ready and reached out to see him (after 6 days, but we had texted every day). Balance. I take care of me, then I resurface. I share that response, but not to the same degree.I respect both of our time lines, ways...I think we have something deep to learn from each other. I shared that perhaps he was responding to me as he would have liked not as I was asking him to. I think that's reasonable and I hope he's noodled on that! Lol.
He basically says nothing when I share these things (which I have mentioned) but I let it ride. I know he heard me. Not one to drone on about little things. (Actually all via text) and he then apologized if that was "not the right move. "
I can see how much he tries! And he is really made so much forward movement in the past few months. He's not ever negative, that's honestly one of the most exceptional things about him. I really have a soft spot for this tender individual! Emphasis on individual, he is so uniquely him and he owns it. So very attractive to me. Anywho, I told him he should take my daughter and I to dinner as he had told her previously he would. We had a great evening. He suprised her with an incredible gift. Something she mentioned to me, I inturn to him...He remembered and got it for her! He always remembers things I say and produces things for me. It's very sweet. ( altho, kinda odd, wheb he gave it to her, he looked at me and said "are you gonna cry? Cry!" Which kinda rang a faint sadistic bell. I dunno, was odd. I had once mentioned he may do this (gifting) to smooth over some of his ways. I still believe that some but I also just feel this is how he is comfortable showing he cares. And I am very firm that he also has a collecting/shopping thing. OCD with cleanliness and organization too. Which I can get down with. Lol. He does collect a great many different things, shoes, cars, watches, bikes. And a shit ton of alcohol. Not alarmed tho, don't think he is one (I def. am) Maybe a stockpile of things? Not hoarding bc the place is immaculate...I digress.
He took off work the following day and we joined him at his home. He gave my daughter a driving lesson in his truck. We had lunch which was great. He met us back at my house for dinner and he stayed the night. Naturally incredible sex. He texted with our standard kinda touch base right up until now. (2 days)
At lunch I mentioned I made a therapy appt with my previous therapist for today. He was mighty curious, even down to the distance. Why? I told him I need a tune up. He was wondering why can't meet the therapist in a coffee shop. And I said not the place to share your darkest and deepest. Think I blew his mind. Lol. So, the seed is planted! Lest I forget ever, the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit! Baby steps. I continue on my journey regardless.
I asked my sister last night if she ever studied attachment. As it turns out her late live in boyfriend was avoidant not sure if DA or FA. She told me to not take the shut downs personally and give him space. All of which I have been doing. Don't overwhelm him. I try not to, but I can see how things could have wirked out that way. You know, maybe asking to meet his child/family...was too big a motion. That seed too, planted. I feel we will figure us out in due time. "Things I must earn,TIME...an AA slogan. Lol. As an alcoholic (in recovery) I have a tendency to want what I want when I want it. I need to apply the tools I learnt to recover to all aspects of my life. Constant growth and sometimes uncomfortableness. Usually when I do my best growing!
Last week I was running scared. This week I'm going to take it one day at a time. There are blips, but overwhelmingly this is a man I want to know. I want my child to experience his spirit and vice versa. Makes me all warm and beamy! He is a very soft plave to fall for me, and I have shared some very heavy things with him. He seems to be following my lead some and growing too overall. For that I am grateful. The distance was making me anxious. I dont care for that feeling. Why I made this appointment with therapist. I need to center and rectify me, by myself.
He is likely meant to teach me patience and perspective. Measured thinking and speaking, action...and I hope that I can show him somethin' too.
I explained to my daughter sometimes he confirns with me repeatedly if I want his company if I have aleeady invited him over. He did this after lunch sitting in his yard when I invited him for dinner. It's almost as if he can't believe it. (Sometimes when I confirm he actually says "really?", grabs my heart. I have told him before his self talk is sometimes stinky. He has so many idiosyncrasies, none bad, lots endearing, some sad. I don't know.
He said some other things that made me wonder but I have to get going to that therapy apt.
What do we think?
I should cool my jets here and quit being the one to always want to bail on this man? Actually every time we have broken up was my doing. He has never left. It may be work, but he's worth it. I'm work but I am definitely worth it. I can only fix me and clean my side of the street, am aware. We are all pieces of art in progress.
I need to check myself, I think. Lol.
Thanks for "listening". Sorry I was all over the place. Soooo excited to see my therapist!! This helped to organize my head too! Good stuff!!
Have a good day.
Jules