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Post by lovebunny on Aug 8, 2019 14:55:37 GMT
I'm AP, and a few weeks ago, started casually dating a woman who is even more so.
I tend to be drawn to people who seem emotionally cool, it soothes me somehow--until it doesn't because they're TOO cool.
I want to break that pattern, but I've been struggling not to turn all avoidy on this woman. She is very nice and smart and funny and we have a lot in common. But I find her constantly wanting to talk, and constantly pushing to escalate the relationship, stressful.
I'm an introvert, she's a chatterbox. She lives 3 hours away, so we've only had one face-to-face "date," which actually lasted about 30 hours and was awesome. We've done a lot more messaging and videochatting. From our very first (online) conversation, she's been more into me than I'm into her, and we're both aware of that, for better or for worse.
I've had to ask her more than once to please limit texting/messaging. She wants to talk at me much more than I want to be talked to at this point in our friendship. I know it hurts her feelings for me to say "please stop texing so much," but I don't know what else to do. I try not responding quickly, or saying I can't talk, or only respond with one word or sentence to her missives (she uses voice to text, maybe part of the problem.) That seems to make it worse. When I remind her I just don't want to be on my phone that often, she stops for a while, but then when I reengage her, she thinks it means text away at will.
Last night I had to ask her again to chill out on the chatter. 3rd time. Then she started doubting if she should come see me this weekend, because clearly I need more "space." I'm like, no, I just need less texting! Thing is, if she's back off a little, I'd probably move towards her some, and maybe she'd relax a little.
Anyone have advice?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 15:00:26 GMT
I would just be honest. All relationships require good honest communication.
I'm sure she would be happier knowing how your feelings and what your needs are.
Just be assertive and boundaried..
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 8, 2019 15:12:24 GMT
Thanks Thatsright. Yeah, I think when I see her this weekend I'll try to hash it out face to face. It isn't that I don't enjoy hearing from her or don't want to know how her day was. But she wants to tell me every single thought.... Am I being too vague by saying "Less text, please!" Do I need to be like, "Only two texts every five hours or I set you to "ignore?" That seems controlling and obnoxious.
If she goes overboard, do I tell her to stop talking, or just stop talking myself/set her to "ignore?" Me telling her I want less messaging seems to be getting shoddy results.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 15:25:58 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Aug 8, 2019 16:11:01 GMT
30 hours date - wow that's a long date. Did you have sex yet ? (I am thinking about the impact of oxytocin in women) Try to look in the dating thread in the general forum. I would think that it is difficult to tell if she has got some desorganised or ambivalent attatchment style ... Maybe some of both? There are different suggestions in the thread about how to handle your contact with her. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1927/dating-tips-attatchment-styles-phasesIf you both move too fast, there is a possibility, that both of you or one of you can loose interest. "If the disorganized is moving too fast, then Be gentle and loving with the person. Say, that you just have to be able to follow, but that you are still interested."... Boundaries are important if you are dating a desorganised. " If You are dating someone with some ambivalent attatchment style: Do not Play games, breath, remember That the other person can be in doubt. If possible, meet a couple of times Per week in This start up phase. This Will give some pease in the ambivalents nerveussystem. Do not wait for too Long to answar a text. Better to call instead. If the ambivalent sends You a Lot of texts every Day, Then do not answar right away. IT is unpolite to text other people All the time. (If you answer right away there is a change that she will text you back right away, and send you even more texts/voicemails) Do not Make your texts too Short. Text once or twice a Day. And make one phonecall. Remember how the other person reacts, is about the other persons own pattern. You can tell her that you are introverted and you need more downtime by yourself, and that it is not about her.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 23:41:57 GMT
As part of my process of maintaining intimacy and not reverting to habitual or avoidant type of communication , I have begun to carry a flip phone as an alternative to my smartphone. My aim is to decrease texting to a bare minimum. I think the text thing is insane although I have relied on it also.
So, my partner and I have agreed to phone calls like the old days, instead of pinging back and forth we share a voice call with more substance. The point for us is to connect in a meaningful way that is more intimate. No placeholders. At the beginning and end of the day we enjoy a conversation. And midway through if we have a minute. It's a new system but I love it and it makes me happy.
So, while the aim is different for you, you could consider making a boundary with her having to do with texting in general. You could adopt a text free schedule for yourself and let her know that is what you need personally, to feel that your communications are what you want them to be instead of what they have become globally in the digital age. You can unchain yourself from a phone, without it being personal.
My son laughed at me and said "Mom, you're showing your age! (late 40's). Then I explained my reasoning and he though it was an incredibly wise and awesome idea.
Just food for thought on a way you could approach this with her. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2019 23:44:26 GMT
well i might have some insight here - I text ALOT because I live in different countries from all my loved ones i.e., everyone I'm close to is in a different country/continent. not sure if this is of any use but for me, texting is the one and only way I keep them connected to me and grounded to reality. when i don't talk to someone much, it usually means I don't remember this person at all - he/she doesn't really exist in my world and I have zero feelings for them. for that person to be in my life, i have to be connected some way, and for me that is sharing my thoughts. it's just a way to stay connected and grounded in the relationship, to share one's intimate thoughts as a way of demonstrating that you are part of my life. now, that is overwhelming for the other party maybe, but perhaps understanding why she does the endless texting might help you put some boundaries in place. my friends just don't reply me until they feel like it, and that's completely fine because for me, the connectedness comes more from me giving you my thought than me receiving yours, if that makes any sense? assuming she's AP or if she parallels me, if I were you, I would reply consistently at a level that is sustainable for myself. she will probably be ok with that, as long as she understands your texting pattern. when i first started dating my current partner, he would text me everyday at 3pm, just one or two messages, which is really stabilizing for me even though it was not much texting.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 9, 2019 4:48:00 GMT
Thanks Thatsright. Yeah, I think when I see her this weekend I'll try to hash it out face to face. It isn't that I don't enjoy hearing from her or don't want to know how her day was. But she wants to tell me every single thought.... Am I being too vague by saying "Less text, please!" Do I need to be like, "Only two texts every five hours or I set you to "ignore?" That seems controlling and obnoxious. If she goes overboard, do I tell her to stop talking, or just stop talking myself/set her to "ignore?" Me telling her I want less messaging seems to be getting shoddy results. Yes, you are being too vague, and she also probably has trouble controlling herself and it's kind of compulsive. But no need to put it that rudely! Here are some things I have found helpful: 1. Frequently talk about how you are not a big texter with anyone and in fact you are trying to spend less time on your phone. You might want to explain your reasons, for example maybe you find it distracts you from work and doing a good job at work is really important to you, or you find it really rude to text while you're with people. 2. Tell them nicely in advance about specific times that you don't want to receive any texts like, "Hey! I'm going to have a really busy day so I won't be checking my phone until the late evening! Hope you have an amazing day beautiful! I'll text you before bed," or something like that. Then do not reply to them during that time. This helps them feel less anxious when they don't hear from you for a long time because they are expecting it and understand you aren't ghosting them. 3. Think about what your texting behavior says to them–that message is louder than your words. So if you often reply quickly when a quick reply is not NEEDED or easily get sucked into a long back and forth, or you keep replying when you had said you were busy, that is going to encourage them. 4. When they go overboard just say, "I gotta go have a shower now! Talk to you later!" or any other activity, so that they know the conversation is over. That's nicer than just ignoring them without warning and it is nicer than saying "Ok, no more texting now." 5. If you really like this person, also consider if you might be willing to compromise a bit or learn to enjoy and feel flattered by the fact that they really want to be in touch with you at all times. EDIT: You could also try specifically addressing the super long messages if you like, for example you could talk about how you really struggle to read long messages and it means you take a lot longer to reply to them because you need to have time to sit down and properly read them, or you could say that you really look forward to hearing all about it when you see her. In fact this is another good way to head off lots of texting, when she brings up a topic you can always say you are so excited to hear about it in person. This reassures them that you do in fact still want to see them in person at the same time.
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andy
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Post by andy on Aug 9, 2019 5:16:44 GMT
I think it's a great idea to talk openly about it. You could tell her a lot of what you told us (for example, that you're feeling stressed and that you are likely to reach out to her more often if she leaves you a little more space). As an AP, she's probably reading a lot into your differing texting styles and feeling anxious to understand what it all means and where you're really at. Talking about it honestly would probably be helpful and maybe even a big relief to an AP with a tendency to mindread. Even if the conversation goes "badly," you both get valuable information out of it. And even if the dating situation doesn't ultimately work out between you two, it's probably useful to her to receive a compassionate heads-up that not everyone feels comfortable with the frequency of texting that she likes. You clearly have a lot of concern for her feelings and a strong awareness of what you like about her, and also an awareness of your own needs, so I don't think you'll go wrong if you can bring all of those into the conversation. To me, having the conversation is actually the opposite of avoiding intimacy: you're being authentic in letting her in on how you're feeling.
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andy
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Post by andy on Aug 9, 2019 5:27:15 GMT
Like, thinking back on my own experience as an AP getting worked up over a disconnect in frequency of texting (though my situation was different from yours, as I wasn't texting more than once a day without getting a reply - and often less), I think it would have been a relief if the person I was dating had just told me openly what they liked in terms of texting and how they were feeling about our current texting patterns. It would have made me feel so much more relaxed and trusting. I should have brought it up myself! Maybe my situation is not that applicable to yours, but I keep thinking how helpful it would have been back then to just talk it out instead of trying to communicate through hints and weird unspoken stuff...
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2019 12:16:35 GMT
I think it would be beneficial to speak to your texting preferences “in general” versus it being centered around her. Unless she is aware of her own dynamic...making it about her could be triggering and cause her to feel shame. Start with the positives of your relationship, then speak to the issue of texting. Perhaps a daily call is the answer if she enjoys telling you so much about her day...or if that is too much, tell her you want to hear about it when you both see each other.
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Post by mrob on Aug 9, 2019 14:18:27 GMT
I'm AP, and a few weeks ago, started casually dating a woman who is even more so. I tend to be drawn to people who seem emotionally cool, it soothes me somehow--until it doesn't because they're TOO cool. I want to break that pattern, but I've been struggling not to turn all avoidy on this woman. She is very nice and smart and funny and we have a lot in common. But I find her constantly wanting to talk, and constantly pushing to escalate the relationship, stressful. I'm an introvert, she's a chatterbox. She lives 3 hours away, so we've only had one face-to-face "date," which actually lasted about 30 hours and was awesome. We've done a lot more messaging and videochatting. From our very first (online) conversation, she's been more into me than I'm into her, and we're both aware of that, for better or for worse. I've had to ask her more than once to please limit texting/messaging. She wants to talk at me much more than I want to be talked to at this point in our friendship. I know it hurts her feelings for me to say "please stop texing so much," but I don't know what else to do. I try not responding quickly, or saying I can't talk, or only respond with one word or sentence to her missives (she uses voice to text, maybe part of the problem.) That seems to make it worse. When I remind her I just don't want to be on my phone that often, she stops for a while, but then when I reengage her, she thinks it means text away at will. Last night I had to ask her again to chill out on the chatter. 3rd time. Then she started doubting if she should come see me this weekend, because clearly I need more "space." I'm like, no, I just need less texting! Thing is, if she's back off a little, I'd probably move towards her some, and maybe she'd relax a little. Anyone have advice? For the APs out there, THIS is the genesis of a deactivation. This is what’s going on on the background for the FA.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2019 14:37:34 GMT
I'm AP, and a few weeks ago, started casually dating a woman who is even more so. I tend to be drawn to people who seem emotionally cool, it soothes me somehow--until it doesn't because they're TOO cool. I want to break that pattern, but I've been struggling not to turn all avoidy on this woman. She is very nice and smart and funny and we have a lot in common. But I find her constantly wanting to talk, and constantly pushing to escalate the relationship, stressful. I'm an introvert, she's a chatterbox. She lives 3 hours away, so we've only had one face-to-face "date," which actually lasted about 30 hours and was awesome. We've done a lot more messaging and videochatting. From our very first (online) conversation, she's been more into me than I'm into her, and we're both aware of that, for better or for worse. I've had to ask her more than once to please limit texting/messaging. She wants to talk at me much more than I want to be talked to at this point in our friendship. I know it hurts her feelings for me to say "please stop texing so much," but I don't know what else to do. I try not responding quickly, or saying I can't talk, or only respond with one word or sentence to her missives (she uses voice to text, maybe part of the problem.) That seems to make it worse. When I remind her I just don't want to be on my phone that often, she stops for a while, but then when I reengage her, she thinks it means text away at will. Last night I had to ask her again to chill out on the chatter. 3rd time. Then she started doubting if she should come see me this weekend, because clearly I need more "space." I'm like, no, I just need less texting! Thing is, if she's back off a little, I'd probably move towards her some, and maybe she'd relax a little. Anyone have advice? For the APs out there, THIS is the genesis of a deactivation. This is what’s going on on the background for the FA. This is code red behavior for me, as an avoidant, and I'm not sure if it's deactivation for me or just turn off to disinterest. mrob , I am working with my somatic guy to learn to recognize the first bodily sign of deactivation, and work with it at its genesis in my body. I don't know if you would want to discuss this with me but if you are open, I could use the dialog. I understand if not, and I also don't want to hijack the thread so if there is a discussion perhaps it belongs in a new thread.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2019 15:42:46 GMT
For the APs out there, THIS is the genesis of a deactivation. This is what’s going on on the background for the FA. This is code red behavior for me, as an avoidant, and I'm not sure if it's deactivation for me or just turn off to disinterest. mrob , I am working with my somatic guy to learn to recognize the first bodily sign of deactivation, and work with it at its genesis in my body. I don't know if you would want to discuss this with me but if you are open, I could use the dialog. I understand if not, and I also don't want to hijack the thread so if there is a discussion perhaps it belongs in a new thread. Hi Sherri....I am not mrob....but I would be very interested in the work you are doing. I oftentimes feel very numb to my body and feel the emotions first. No harm if you meant this just for FAs. 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2019 16:06:57 GMT
This is code red behavior for me, as an avoidant, and I'm not sure if it's deactivation for me or just turn off to disinterest. mrob , I am working with my somatic guy to learn to recognize the first bodily sign of deactivation, and work with it at its genesis in my body. I don't know if you would want to discuss this with me but if you are open, I could use the dialog. I understand if not, and I also don't want to hijack the thread so if there is a discussion perhaps it belongs in a new thread. Hi Sherri....I am not mrob....but I would be very interested in the work you are doing. I oftentimes feel very numb to my body and feel the emotions first. No harm if you meant this just for FAs. 🙂 tnr9 I'd love to have the convo with you! I'm very excited to have another appointment on Tuesday , It's out of my budget to go every week but I am so excited and moved by the process that I will make it work. I can work extra or something, I'd even take on debt for it. He is explaining the neuroscience to me and it's all so wonderful, it makes sense and it's about learning to recognize the physical sensation attached to all of our instinctive reactions- positive and negative. Also; I think you will appreciate this: When I told him I was a little dismayed and did not realize that my shrinking from contact was me protecting myself, all these years.... his eyes were so kind and he said with such a smile, "It's such a deep wisdom, such an amazing protection ." He validated my vulnerability and need to survive and de stigmatized my isolation in that second. I know we all feel a stigma , internal or external. Seeing through the eyes of this therapist is really helping me. My partner as an avoidant understands me, and that is healing... but mostly I have felt misunderstood and an enigma even to myself. Somatic Experiencing/ Attachment focus is just the most amazing thing I have encountered on a long search to figure myself out and heal up.
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