jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Aug 13, 2019 9:45:32 GMT
I would be done with this man. This is not at all healthy. Being alone is far superior to riding this "roller coaster".
Keep talking about it. Take gentle care of yourself.
Jules
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 9:55:22 GMT
He seems a bit (a lot) narcissistic. Nail the door shut!
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Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2019 10:58:28 GMT
I see the FA side of it. I see the distancing (talking about other women), and the deactivation (Do you have a checklist?). I also can see how that is triggered.(Questions about state of the relationship and looking to escalate it). Text book FA. Most people get so up tight with the details when the bare bones are the same.
@sherry, DA are at least stable. The horror story behind cycling is generally foreign.
There is a reason why one of the books is called “Bad Boyfriends”. An unaware FA will cycle and use all of your energy up. I’ve done exactly that. Never maliciously, but acting in pattern.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 12:07:07 GMT
Narcissistic enough to have only his concerns in mind. Whatever the motivation or cause, impossible to have a secure and loving relationship with trust, respect, and emotional support with all that going on.
Nails for the door. I would never be receptive to a return after a dead drop like that, the rest speaks for itself. He's not relationship material, doesn't mean he's evil but he certainly can't carry a mutual relationship.
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Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2019 12:21:01 GMT
That’s harsh, @sherry, although in this situation, I would agree to nail the door. Not for the same reasons, though.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 12:30:24 GMT
That’s harsh, @sherry , although in this situation, I would agree to nail the door. Not for the same reasons, though. No, I'm not trying to be harsh about him. I'm saying, whatever he has going on is not relationship material. Im not speaking to FA in general. I'm speaking to this situation and validating her expressed desire to not engage further. Specific to this post. This is obviously very painful for her and without any awareness there is only pain ahead here. |
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Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2019 17:20:38 GMT
It’s the behaviour that is FA. From experience, deactivation means self protection at all costs. That comes at the expense of others. In deactivation, I finished it with the ex that brought me here two days before Christmas, watched her keel over in her front yard in absolute emotional agony. My first thought? “What a put on”. Heartless, narcissistic bastard? I thought so. I was supposed to be feeling something but I was numb. Nothing there.
@sherry have you not been there while deactivating? Never treated somebody in an inconsiderate or disregarding way?
I also want to say that none of this excuses this behaviour, it just gives it perspective. I still think nail the doors!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 17:56:12 GMT
It’s the behaviour that is FA. From experience, deactivation means self protection at all costs. That comes at the expense of others. In deactivation, I finished it with the ex that brought me here two days before Christmas, watched her keel over in her front yard in absolute emotional agony. My first thought? “What a put on”. Heartless, narcissistic bastard? I thought so. I was supposed to be feeling something but I was numb. Nothing there. @sherry have you not been there while deactivating? Never treated somebody in an inconsiderate or disregarding way? I also want to say that none of this excuses this behaviour, it just gives it perspective. I still think nail the doors! Yes I definitely see it your way mrob, my whole point being that coping skills are not tantamount to relationship skills and without being able to know precisely what is going on with Him, his issues concentrate his efforts toward his own well being and render him incapable of taking care of a relationship. I keep pointing to that as an obvious obstacle to healthy engaging and that's why I say nail the doors. Any insecure style will tend to selfish and indeed narcisssitc (self focused) behaviors. Without awareness, A B or C- best to take care of yourself there. Nails. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 21:11:11 GMT
It’s the behaviour that is FA. From experience, deactivation means self protection at all costs. That comes at the expense of others. In deactivation, I finished it with the ex that brought me here two days before Christmas, watched her keel over in her front yard in absolute emotional agony. My first thought? “What a put on”. Heartless, narcissistic bastard? I thought so. I was supposed to be feeling something but I was numb. Nothing there. @sherry have you not been there while deactivating? Never treated somebody in an inconsiderate or disregarding way? I also want to say that none of this excuses this behaviour, it just gives it perspective. I still think nail the doors! your question to me here ties in perfectly with a point I was making on the thread in the FA section (helping without engulfing thread. ) The last few posts of mine address your question to me here and especially the last one. I know it's a lot to read but I hope you do so you can see where I am coming from on this - the answer is yes and I detail that on the other thread. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2019 21:46:13 GMT
mrob When you feel that need to reconnect again (cycle back, etc.), do you do this with one person or multiple people (at the same time)? @sherry I don't use the term narcissism lightly to mean selfish or arrogant. I don't even want to say this guy has NPD, but he has strong strong pervasive instances of the 9 qualities listed in DSM. This doesn't have to be FA OR narcissism. It can be both. Narcissists are also consumed with protecting themselves from abandonment/rejection. Yes jane, I know what you mean- I'll explain why I initially thought narcissistic as the pathology but also can stay with narcissistic in light of attachment wounding and self protective behavior. mrob is right, when I see some behaviors described which are clearly avoidant , they still seem foreign to me. My SE/Attachment therapist describes me as very avoidant, with little of the ambivalent (anxious) side as is expressed in FA behavior. What I did see were things listed as typical tools in the narcissist arsenal: devaluation discard absent silent treatment (gone! poof!) hoover (return to re engage) triangulation (with another woman) I kept it to a brief sentence because my main point was to validate your sense that you should not engage further. So, I was surprised to see mrob identifying FA behavior in that- but readily accept it as possibly simple insecure attachment not attached to narcissism. I have no thought whatsoever that mrob or any other FA here is intentionally cruel, not at all. But, in keeping with my original intention which was to hand you a hammer and nails for that door (lol) I maintain that such behavior is self-preservation or selfish, either way- my main point is not to paint this guy any particular color but to just give my opinion that it's best to shut the door. I have no idea his diagnosis and in my mind the point is moot- because whether or not the pain has been intentionally inflicted, this is still an unworkable situation for anyone who wants to have a secure relationship. It's too damaging. Without awareness, the destruction continues. If there IS awareness, it's creepy. If there IS awareness and the guy is working on things, that is not apparent one iota. He seems concerned purely with looking out for himself and would employ you in the same looking out for him.... leaving you where you have been and where you are- confounded and hurt and without remedy except to nail the door shut. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2019 0:21:13 GMT
@janedoe it really does come down to :
is this right for me? Answering that question takes a lot of inward focus in my opinion, it will hone you and get you into the deep crevices of your conditioning if you keep the focus on you. I know you know what I mean- we can sharpen ourselves against these rough experiences and learn more about ourselves, what is and is not ok. What is and is not healthy for us. His road is his to walk and I hope he gets better no matter the origination of his behavior, it's all wounding.
But. Safety first. Emotional safety is important. If you can't have that with a person it pretty damn tough to be ok.
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