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Post by tnr9 on Aug 15, 2019 13:20:39 GMT
Perhaps it is just me....but I am still trying to navigate through my feelings. As I have been thinking more about what B said when he was over...some of the sentences were very painful...as if he wanted to minimize our relationship....reminding me that he had attempted to break up with me earlier (which is true..he had in an intoxicated state told me that I was three steps ahead of him...I simply wished him well and told him that I hoped he would find a girl that supported his dreams....the next day he invited me over to meet his best friend, and the day after that I met his parents), asking me if I had ever had a relationship where I knew it as not going to last.....it just felt so...unsafe...and so different from other hang out times. I haven’t had to navigate through this with any other ex because we have always gone our separate ways....and I do want to be a friend....but I hate feeling unsafe with him. Any suggestions?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2019 16:12:49 GMT
Stop trying to be friends with the ex that pulled that flip flopping behavior on you and choose better, safer friends for yourself?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 15, 2019 16:51:52 GMT
Stop trying to be friends with the ex that pulled that flip flopping behavior on you and choose better, safer friends for yourself? I know this sounds so weird...but then I feel like a failure...like I failed to do a “normal” thing (be a good friend) that others are able to do successfully. This is such uncharted waters for me...this is when I wish I were not so “emotional”....surely others can face these flip, flop behaviors and be secure through them or brush them off.<—-these are all the thoughts that went though my head as I pondered your recommendation. |
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 15, 2019 17:05:23 GMT
A good friend wouldn't treat you like this.
My therapist pointed out to me that I'm only ap with my romantic partners. I'm secure with my friends. So now I ask myself, how would I deal with a friend who made me feel this way? I'd stop seeing them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2019 17:08:26 GMT
Stop trying to be friends with the ex that pulled that flip flopping behavior on you and choose better, safer friends for yourself? I know this sounds so weird...but then I feel like a failure...like I failed to do a “normal” thing (be a good friend) that others are able to do successfully. This is such uncharted waters for me...this is when I wish I were not so “emotional”....surely others can face these flip, flop behaviors and be secure through them or brush them off.<—-these are all the thoughts that went though my head as I pondered your recommendation. I won't say it sounds weird but it sounds completely unreasonable to me. Surely you have read thread after thread about remaining friends with an ex. My opinion is that you are failing yourself by holding yourself to an imaginary standard, and that this is also perhaps an excuse to just stay attached and in drama. Secure people often choose healthy relationships. Secure people often decline to have pizza and movies with exes. Secure people don't maintain fantasies of reunions with an unavailable partner. For you to use the secure excuse to remain friends is unhealthy in my opinion- It's AP and not secure thinking. You trap yourself continually with AP thinking and setting yourself up for failure with your choices in this situation with this ex. You are choosing it and rationalizing it, from my perspective. I apologize if I have offended you, it's not my intention. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2019 17:20:25 GMT
tnr9, comparisons to others, whether perceived or actually true, are generally unhealthy. It's one thing to learn about secure vs. AP behaviors and introspect on that, but it's another to assume others can do something better than you and you're failing. It's a very AP thing to do, however, reflecting the distorted AP belief that others are better than self so looking to others to define you. You're the only one who can decide on if the friendship with B is worth it to you, and that should be based on reality not potential and projection. If he's inconsistent and making you feel unsafe, he probably shouldn't be a close friend because it doesn't serve you. I'd suggest spending less time on him and being closer to acquaintances than friends, but I know your feelings for him sound like they're too strong to allow you to do that comfortably at this time.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 15, 2019 17:21:55 GMT
I know this sounds so weird...but then I feel like a failure...like I failed to do a “normal” thing (be a good friend) that others are able to do successfully. This is such uncharted waters for me...this is when I wish I were not so “emotional”....surely others can face these flip, flop behaviors and be secure through them or brush them off.<—-these are all the thoughts that went though my head as I pondered your recommendation. I won't say it sounds weird but it sounds completely unreasonable to me. Surely you have read thread after thread about remaining friends with an ex. My opinion is that you are failing yourself by holding yourself to an imaginary standard, and that this is also perhaps an excuse to just stay attached and in drama. Secure people often choose healthy relationships. Secure people often decline to have pizza and movies with exes. Secure people don't maintain fantasies of reunions with an unavailable partner. For you to use the secure excuse to remain friends is unhealthy in my opinion- It's AP and not secure thinking. You trap yourself continually with AP thinking and setting yourself up for failure with your choices in this situation with this ex. You are choosing it and rationalizing it, from my perspective. I apologize if I have offended you, it's not my intention. No...this is good Sherry....I need the reminder above to counteract my AP thinking.....sometimes it does get extremely myopic and completely detached from reality. I do think every implausible relationship that works out in movies was written by an AP. I live so much in my head...in the stories...that it is hard to decipher what reality is. So thank you for the above...I really, truly mean it. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2019 17:30:25 GMT
tnr9 Also, I wouldn't assume that being a good friend in an unhealthy situation reflects someone is better adapted and more capable of controlling their emotions than you. It may just as easily mean that person who has the appearance of looking like a good friend is actually thoroughly codependent. It's back to that narrative you tell yourself aspect. I'm friends with some exes and it's very secure, so not every friendship with an ex is bad or insecure. But those friendships of years and years are balanced, with the same effort on both sides, and don't feel unsafe, and when we have different romantic partners it doesn't upset anyone. I'm sure those friendships started from a less than ideal place, with me being AP making me more willing to put in my half of the effort at the beginning, but they all transitioned into platonic feelings only because that was the intention. They weren't based out of pining for romantic reconnection. They generally didn't work out if the ex wasn't on the same page about effort and friendship, though.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 15, 2019 17:31:18 GMT
tnr9 , comparisons to others, whether perceived or actually true, are generally unhealthy. It's one thing to learn about secure vs. AP behaviors and introspect on that, but it's another to assume others can do something better than you and you're failing. It's a very AP thing to do, however, reflecting the distorted AP belief that others are better than self so looking to others to define you. You're the only one who can decide on if the friendship with B is worth it to you, and that should be based on reality not potential and projection. If he's inconsistent and making you feel unsafe, he probably shouldn't be a close friend because it doesn't serve you. I'd suggest spending less time on him and being closer to acquaintances than friends, but I know your feelings for him sound like they're too strong to allow you to do that comfortably at this time. I want to clarify my unsafe comment...I know he would never harm me...ever....but safety of feelings, of sharing, of trusting...those are the things that feel unsafe. I know you know that Alexandra...but in case someone else joins who doesn’t...I wanted to make that clear. As far as comparisons...you are correct....when I lose sight of myself...when I get stuck in my head....that is when it happens most. Since the pizza/movie nights are at B’s convenience...I would imagine as he is getting to know other women...he will likely spend less time with me...so I think “acquaintance” route is already underway. |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 15, 2019 17:36:15 GMT
Sounds like You maybe are over riding your intuition. You write that you are feeling unsafe. This can Be a Healthy signal, that is telling you to protect yourself and set up some healthy boundaries. Dan Siegel: m.youtube.com/watch?v=xPjhfUVgvOQYou do not have to please him and bend yourself backwards to accomdate this guy when ever it suits him to drop by. ap's can doubt themselves.. There are also type A and type B men. Does the contact drain you, does he take from.your fridge or is he filling it up ? Theres a book called "anxious to please" recommended by Diane Poole Hellers office. Maybe reading the book can give you some inspiration. You can also try to think about your own shadow sides. What is it, that you are affraid as being seen as, if you have to set boundaries and dissapoint other people. What can serve you by acting more selfish, harsh, dissapointing to other people.(these are some just exambles). |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 15, 2019 18:07:44 GMT
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 15, 2019 21:05:14 GMT
He’s really not safe. Even secures would have a very hard time trying to stay friends with someone they still have heavy feelings for. This is not just some AP thing, it’s hard as a human. You’re putting yourself in an unsafe place trying to do something thats practically impossible as a human.
Why are you fighting so hard for something even Secures could not deal with?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 16, 2019 12:00:55 GMT
Thank you all so much for your insight and advice. I will have to come back a bit later to really digest it all.
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hola
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Post by hola on Aug 16, 2019 16:03:14 GMT
Stop trying to be friends with the ex that pulled that flip flopping behavior on you and choose better, safer friends for yourself? I know this sounds so weird...but then I feel like a failure...like I failed to do a “normal” thing (be a good friend) that others are able to do successfully. This is such uncharted waters for me...this is when I wish I were not so “emotional”....surely others can face these flip, flop behaviors and be secure through them or brush them off.<—-these are all the thoughts that went though my head as I pondered your recommendation. Flip flop behaviors are never ever considered a safe action. No one is secure enough to "handle" that type of behavior. A secure person will simply NOT tolerate it at all. They will walk away and not have anything to do w/a person like that. I see it over and over w/secure friends of mine. There is absolutely no excuse for it. You are not a failure. But what I do have to ask is, do you ever show patterns of flip flop behaviors yourself? Sometimes we tolerate what we ourselves do (unconsciously) |
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Post by serenity on Aug 17, 2019 4:41:57 GMT
Trn9, would you mind helping me with the timeline again, at all? You said you broke up 2.5 years ago and he's dating other women now? Are you dating other men too? And how long were you together `as a couple'?
Is it the case that its drifted into a `friends with benefits' type of relationship now?
I'm a huge fan of`` No Contact'', for as long as it takes to get over someone, if I plan to be a platonic friend to someone. Usually works best if both of you have moved on happily to other partners.
Might be that a trauma bond formed, if you found the relationship ending traumatic (and they can be very traumatic). The mental health peeps recommend a good 3 months or more of No Contact apart to start to recover from that.
Honestly the best thing you could do right now is start developing relationships with other men, whether or not you keep B in your life. Get to know them slowly, build the relationships over time. I couldn't tell you how, just that it really helps give you perspective and friends who might be better suited to meeting your needs.
Anyway sorry you've been going through all this. it really sucks.
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