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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2019 9:59:56 GMT
Trn9, would you mind helping me with the timeline again, at all? You said you broke up 2.5 years ago and he's dating other women now? Are you dating other men too? And how long were you together `as a couple'? Is it the case that its drifted into a `friends with benefits' type of relationship now? I'm a huge fan of`` No Contact'', for as long as it takes to get over someone, if I plan to be a platonic friend to someone. Usually works best if both of you have moved on happily to other partners. Might be that a trauma bond formed, if you found the relationship ending traumatic (and they can be very traumatic). The mental health peeps recommend a good 3 months or more of No Contact apart to start to recover from that. Honestly the best thing you could do right now is start developing relationships with other men, whether or not you keep B in your life. Get to know them slowly, build the relationships over time. I couldn't tell you how, just that it really helps give you perspective and friends who might be better suited to meeting your needs. Anyway sorry you've been going through all this. it really sucks. Hi Serenity....if you click on my name and go to view posts...you will glean a lot of information about the relationship I had with B.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2019 10:03:58 GMT
I know this sounds so weird...but then I feel like a failure...like I failed to do a “normal” thing (be a good friend) that others are able to do successfully. This is such uncharted waters for me...this is when I wish I were not so “emotional”....surely others can face these flip, flop behaviors and be secure through them or brush them off.<—-these are all the thoughts that went though my head as I pondered your recommendation. Flip flop behaviors are never ever considered a safe action. No one is secure enough to "handle" that type of behavior. A secure person will simply NOT tolerate it at all. They will walk away and not have anything to do w/a person like that. I see it over and over w/secure friends of mine. There is absolutely no excuse for it. You are not a failure. But what I do have to ask is, do you ever show patterns of flip flop behaviors yourself? Sometimes we tolerate what we ourselves do (unconsciously) Hi Hola...I thought about this and I don’t flip flop..I think there is this internal dialogue that says that if I had done this right...he would not have flip flopped at all. Honestly...I am at a loss.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2019 12:36:57 GMT
I think I understand a bit more what is going on....certainly there is the feeling of unsafe because of some of B’s flip flop behavior and statements...but I have to own my role in this. I am causing myself cognitive dissonance....Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid. So in this case....something in me wants to hold on to the hope that B will return...so deeply that I am truly struggling with him seeking new partners, dating new girls and reminding me that we are just friends....I literally just thought of this so I need a bit of time to read up on it and explore what it means truly...at the root....but I think this is tied to my parents divorce...my dad’s leaving which I guess I still have not fully processed. I still think there is a component of B’s flip flop behavior in this as well..but I can’t change B and can only explore this “new to me” information.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 18, 2019 16:11:19 GMT
I think I understand a bit more what is going on....certainly there is the feeling of unsafe because of some of B’s flip flop behavior and statements...but I have to own my role in this. I am causing myself cognitive dissonance....Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid. So in this case....something in me wants to hold on to the hope that B will return...so deeply that I am truly struggling with him seeking new partners, dating new girls and reminding me that we are just friends....I literally just thought of this so I need a bit of time to read up on it and explore what it means truly...at the root....but I think this is tied to my parents divorce...my dad’s leaving which I guess I still have not fully processed. I still think there is a component of B’s flip flop behavior in this as well..but I can’t change B and can only explore this “new to me” information. Apologies if this sounds brutal. You’re hanging out with a person who you are deeply attached and attracted to who doesn’t want to be with you and is clear about this. Anyone regardless of attachment would feel hurt/ sad/ unsafe. Again and again you’re putting your hand into the fire and then seem surprised to get burnt. Explaining this, ruminating and pondering on the past won’t help. What do you want for your future? Peace, happiness, live? Maybe not - but if so the choice to build that future and act in a way that will allow this to happen is all yours.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 18, 2019 16:14:43 GMT
I personally don’t think this is tied to anything in your past NOW - it’s a habitual pattern which has develop over time - understanding it as such might help more than analyzing it.
So sorry to be blunt. I mean the best but I see behaviour that isn’t serving you getting deeply entrenched.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2019 17:24:40 GMT
I think I understand a bit more what is going on....certainly there is the feeling of unsafe because of some of B’s flip flop behavior and statements...but I have to own my role in this. I am causing myself cognitive dissonance....Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid. So in this case....something in me wants to hold on to the hope that B will return...so deeply that I am truly struggling with him seeking new partners, dating new girls and reminding me that we are just friends....I literally just thought of this so I need a bit of time to read up on it and explore what it means truly...at the root....but I think this is tied to my parents divorce...my dad’s leaving which I guess I still have not fully processed. I still think there is a component of B’s flip flop behavior in this as well..but I can’t change B and can only explore this “new to me” information. You seem to be addicted to rumination and inaction, opting for endless analysis instead of making actual changes in your day to day participation with him. As long as you insist on 'figuring things out' you don't have to make a choice and let go of him by leaving the relationship. Perhaps you entertain the illusion that if you figure yourself out enough you will be able to maintain a relationship with him in a healthy manner. Be aware that you've lost a lot of time and still suffer the ways you did originally. It's your option of course to continue that. Do you have difficulty taking action to solve problems in other areas of your life, or is it just in this relationship? Have you been able to let go of desired outcomes in order to accept actual outcomes and move on, lesson learned? That's a feature of resilience, something that allows you to be flexible and changeable in the face of difficulty instead of just getting stuck. If you have some success in other areas in this regard, perhaps you can apply those empowering experiences to this. Do you feel at all interested in doing things differently , instead of doing them the same over and over again and finding yourself in the same predicament , over and over again? These questions are meant to be helpful.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2019 18:13:57 GMT
tnr9 - You seriously need to wake up from this fantasy. You need to break out of this obsession and face the truth. This is not healthy. You are suffering in the process.
Wish you well.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2019 11:16:46 GMT
I think I understand a bit more what is going on....certainly there is the feeling of unsafe because of some of B’s flip flop behavior and statements...but I have to own my role in this. I am causing myself cognitive dissonance....Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid. So in this case....something in me wants to hold on to the hope that B will return...so deeply that I am truly struggling with him seeking new partners, dating new girls and reminding me that we are just friends....I literally just thought of this so I need a bit of time to read up on it and explore what it means truly...at the root....but I think this is tied to my parents divorce...my dad’s leaving which I guess I still have not fully processed. I still think there is a component of B’s flip flop behavior in this as well..but I can’t change B and can only explore this “new to me” information. Apologies if this sounds brutal. You’re hanging out with a person who you are deeply attached and attracted to who doesn’t want to be with you and is clear about this. Anyone regardless of attachment would feel hurt/ sad/ unsafe. Again and again you’re putting your hand into the fire and then seem surprised to get burnt. Explaining this, ruminating and pondering on the past won’t help. What do you want for your future? Peace, happiness, live? Maybe not - but if so the choice to build that future and act in a way that will allow this to happen is all yours. Hey Ocarina....thank you for providing additional feedback that my feelings were justified. I am a really cerebral person so understanding past patterns actually is very helpful to me...I was so “stuck” for 2 days...wondering why I was still so afraid,...and still so focused on him....the above actually helped me to break being stuck and yesterday I spent a beautiful day not being in that stuck place.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2019 11:26:21 GMT
I think I understand a bit more what is going on....certainly there is the feeling of unsafe because of some of B’s flip flop behavior and statements...but I have to own my role in this. I am causing myself cognitive dissonance....Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid. So in this case....something in me wants to hold on to the hope that B will return...so deeply that I am truly struggling with him seeking new partners, dating new girls and reminding me that we are just friends....I literally just thought of this so I need a bit of time to read up on it and explore what it means truly...at the root....but I think this is tied to my parents divorce...my dad’s leaving which I guess I still have not fully processed. I still think there is a component of B’s flip flop behavior in this as well..but I can’t change B and can only explore this “new to me” information. You seem to be addicted to rumination and inaction, opting for endless analysis instead of making actual changes in your day to day participation with him. As long as you insist on 'figuring things out' you don't have to make a choice and let go of him by leaving the relationship. Perhaps you entertain the illusion that if you figure yourself out enough you will be able to maintain a relationship with him in a healthy manner. Be aware that you've lost a lot of time and still suffer the ways you did originally. It's your option of course to continue that. Do you have difficulty taking action to solve problems in other areas of your life, or is it just in this relationship? Have you been able to let go of desired outcomes in order to accept actual outcomes and move on, lesson learned? That's a feature of resilience, something that allows you to be flexible and changeable in the face of difficulty instead of just getting stuck. If you have some success in other areas in this regard, perhaps you can apply those empowering experiences to this. Do you feel at all interested in doing things differently , instead of doing them the same over and over again and finding yourself in the same predicament , over and over again? These questions are meant to be helpful. Good questions Sherry.....in my work....I am very much a take charge person.....but n my personal life...I am very much in my head. I have talked about updating my place for over 5 years and have not done anything...so that is an example of how I am. I am not very self motivated....not sure why....very opposite of my mom. I honestly thought that by seeing my role in having this fear, it would help me in the process of letting go. I am not sure whether that answers your questions above.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2019 11:33:37 GMT
tnr9 - You seriously need to wake up from this fantasy. You need to break out of this obsession and face the truth. This is not healthy. You are suffering in the process. Wish you well. Thank you for wishing me well....just something that I learned from my therapist....words like “need” and “have to” come across as obligations and oftentimes....people, including myself will not respond well to an obligation. When I am fully adult...like in this moment....I don’t have have a fantasy....I accept that B is moving on and dating other women. I also accept he is not going to date me again. I am working on ways to get back to this place when I start regressing.
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