Post by caroline1218 on Aug 17, 2019 5:24:45 GMT
I'd agree with alexandra too. I can also relate to your feelings of like a failure and losing sight of my value / getting stuck in my own head.
I want to clarify my unsafe comment...I know he would never harm me...ever....but safety of feelings, of sharing, of trusting...those are the things that feel unsafe. I know you know that Alexandra...but in case someone else joins who doesn’t...I wanted to make that clear. As far as comparisons...you are correct....when I lose sight of myself...when I get stuck in my head....that is when it happens most. Since the pizza/movie nights are at B’s convenience...I would imagine as he is getting to know other women...he will likely spend less time with me...so I think “acquaintance” route is already underway.
tnr9 , comparisons to others, whether perceived or actually true, are generally unhealthy. It's one thing to learn about secure vs. AP behaviors and introspect on that, but it's another to assume others can do something better than you and you're failing. It's a very AP thing to do, however, reflecting the distorted AP belief that others are better than self so looking to others to define you. You're the only one who can decide on if the friendship with B is worth it to you, and that should be based on reality not potential and projection. If he's inconsistent and making you feel unsafe, he probably shouldn't be a close friend because it doesn't serve you. I'd suggest spending less time on him and being closer to acquaintances than friends, but I know your feelings for him sound like they're too strong to allow you to do that comfortably at this time.
I've been through the "as they get to know other women... he will likely spend less time with me..." route, and all I can say, is try your hardest to get out there with friends and new people (I know, it feels impossible), because you could spend so much time sitting by yourself when he's off with other people— and it'll make you feel so much worse. I did that once a long time ago with a FWB who I was never even in a relationship with at any point and just was so hung up on him... my case was really sad and pathetic, and I've grown a lot since then— but I know how painful that "after" period can be when they're bringing other people around, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially when triggered AP.
That guy was in my friend group, and trying to be friends was so painful... I would recommend unless you have to see him, taking a good long break. It's the only way to truly heal in a healthy way IMO.
Sending such good thoughts... we're here for you... it's so painful.