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Post by simply on Aug 19, 2019 4:54:53 GMT
Hi Caroline1218,
I find your post very helpful. I can definitely identify and relate to all of your internal chatter. I would suggest if you can share with us how you are going to change those statements that you listed and share your journey and recovery on your changes and any implementation along with actions of your changed statements/beliefs about yourself and triggering situations?
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Post by serenity on Aug 19, 2019 5:28:31 GMT
Hey Caroline! Regarding trauma, the mental health professionals I work for call this sort of PTSD `Complex PTSD' . Its a little different to PTSD from one event, or from war. The trauma is based on the cumulative effects of living with caregivers like your own during childhood development; its serious. There's quite a bit written about it on the internet. I think your idea of writing a list of triggers is very worthwhile ....that way you can start working on an action plan for when you get set off (the DBT therapy approach). Some say that talking about it, writing, re framing events and their meaning all help, as does validation (that's more the CBT therapy approach).
Another point to consider (and this is just worth noting, rather than an explanation) is that trauma can occur in the womb. For example there have been some detailed scientific studies made that show that pregnant women who diet or suffer eating disorders in early pregnancy, cause malnourishment and measurable distress in the foetus. The foetus then grows excess adipose tissue (fat tissue) to compensate, making them more prone to weight gain or obesity as adults. It makes perfect sense from a survival point of view. Protip: Don't tell Mom this. I did and she had a meltdown, told me to fork off, and hung up.
You can only guess at how starving (and other kinds of physical traumas in the womb) would imprint on an foetus's brain emotionally.
What I get from all this, is undoing the `distress feeling' behind triggers takes years of work. I don't think we're meant to avoid loving relationships and affection until we are `perfect'. There are caring people in the world who don't judge and reject you for your wounds. Your wounds are also what make you beautiful IMO.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2019 21:42:45 GMT
Lately I feel like I've made three steps forward and ten steps back, haha but welp. This is totally normal and not something to worry about. It's going to be forwards, backwards, and sideways for some time to come. You can take note of how that feels and feel it, but don't let the discomfort of how you perceive you "should" be progressing stop you from trying. I seek out advice from others because I have a hard time seeing the reality of the situation, yet I’m afraid to ask him. This is happening because you don't trust yourself yet. Still looking to others as better than self yet not communicating your needs (in this case, due to fear of abandonment, because you know he's not in a healthy enough emotional space to handle them well). - repeating nonstop that I owe it to myself to change the narrative - trying my best (which is so hard at times) to stay positive and present… and give people the benefit of the doubt… essentially countering my “anxious/AP” worries and conclusions - work to improve the things I’m insecure about vs. just sitting there stressing about how I’m failing / I’m not good enough (this is so hard with anxiety attacks and that rumination) How do you know the fine line of if you should counter your own anxious/AP worries or if those are the truth? You're on the right track, but still need to do some checking and adjusting. This is a long process, and you're still early in, but one thing that stands out to me here is sure, you owe it to yourself but... you're pressuring yourself to work to improve what you're insecure about, which is skipping a step. That step is self-acceptance. Who you are and where you're at is okay. Evolving is a good goal, but getting "better" by some measure isn't what's going to make you more comfortable and happier in your life. It's being able to sit with yourself where you're at and be okay with it, building trust within yourself towards yourself. If getting better at something makes you feel more accomplished and therefore proud of yourself, allowing you to feel more comfortable and accept yourself... that is indeed part of what worked for me. But if it's a constant, "I have to prove myself and improve for acceptance," then you're still stuck in the AP mouse-wheel of chasing conditional love and external validation. You're not perfect, that's fine, but most of your anxious/AP worries aren't the truth. Otherwise they wouldn't be AP worries. In another thread which I know you've read jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions, I suggested paying attention to all feedback, as long as it's coming from a neutral place, and seeing how it sits in your body. "Listen to things others (family, friends, romantic partners) say or have said over the years, listen to your own mind, and listen to your body. Look for patterns. Weigh whether or not the person saying it had positive, or at least neutral, intent towards you whenever you heard it (including the stuff you're saying to yourself!). Throw it out if it's coming from a negative place." I think that still holds true for what you're asking. Can you see whatever it is you're perceiving as a negative behavior on a list of AP behaviors and traits? Great, so that's probably true of you, but as you go through the whole process to get more secure, it will eventually improve. Maybe through fits and starts, maybe all at once. AP traits don't have to be a permanent thing, but even so, they don't exclusively define you nor do they make you less than. Don't beat yourself up for having them, because this is part of re-wiring your narrative and stopping the negative ruminations. |
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