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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 7:54:45 GMT
I have to keep contact with my ex for financial reasons. I try to keep it to the absolute minimum and be polite but concise in my messages. Despite this he still doesn't respond. Sometimes a response isn't necessary, sometimes it would be helpful. Either way it leaves me feeling awful and the I spend a lot of time ruminating and feeling rejected. I also start to feel like I'm bothering him and being a nuisance, even though I know I have no choice.
Any ideas for how I can make myself not feel so bad about this contact?
Any ideas for how to get responses from him when they're needed?
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Post by serenity on Aug 19, 2019 8:13:23 GMT
Date other men. Look for traits such as empathy, honor, responsibility, and acceptance. Date many of them, and develop good friendships with the best of them slowly.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 9:02:13 GMT
I really don't need to date right now.
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Post by serenity on Aug 19, 2019 9:30:31 GMT
I don't mean ``hook up''. I mean get to know a range of male human beings who are not him.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 9:44:53 GMT
I have lots of friends already. I don't think this is what my question is really about.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2019 11:43:35 GMT
I have to keep contact with my ex for financial reasons. I try to keep it to the absolute minimum and be polite but concise in my messages. Despite this he still doesn't respond. Sometimes a response isn't necessary, sometimes it would be helpful. Either way it leaves me feeling awful and the I spend a lot of time ruminating and feeling rejected. I also start to feel like I'm bothering him and being a nuisance, even though I know I have no choice. Any ideas for how I can make myself not feel so bad about this contact? Any ideas for how to get responses from him when they're needed? hi, that sounds really annoying and difficult.. I'm thinking a few things here but i don't have a lot of time to articulate on them, but I hope it's helpful to you. One, there's no need to talk to him anymore except when it's absolutely necessary - where a response is actually truly needed, not helpful or optional or nice to have. if you're texting at times where it isn't necessary or at times where it's a bonus (helpful), it's might be perceived and/or indicative of you trying to keep in contact under the guise of something "practical" i.e., finance. and he might then see all your contact (especially the necessary ones!) as manipulative and not needing a response. Then when it's really important, he doesn't take it seriously. Two, if he doesn't respond and life goes on i.e., nobody died or went bankrupt, it means that it was not necessary. Maybe you need to think about how to define when, what and why responses are truly needed, and what the options are when you don't get a response, so that you can feel much more control of the situation and of yourself. Three, it might be helpful if you started a process of figuring how to separate your finances, perhaps after some time of no real contact to help yourself work through this process. Four, this is all still so new and fresh for you, it's unsurprising that you feel bad about this situation, and in general feel bad! If he had replied, it might have just perpetuated contact that was not healthy for you and kept you even longer in a bad situation. I hope someone else with more experience on financial entanglements will be able to speak to your situation. Good luck with this!
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 12:27:20 GMT
Thanks @shiningstar
I *think* I am only doing it when absolutely necessary.
On one occasion, his lack of reply meant I had to get a friend to pretend he was him and call our bank to close an account. (There was no money in there but when I asked him to close it he just ignored me for weeks, so rather than badger him I just got it closed.)
Today, I have had to text him to say large bill would be coming out of his account for work on our house. He previously agreed to pay the bill but he didn't know when or exactly how much would be taken. I thought I should let him know so he wasn't taken by surprise, but even that made me feel like I was badgering.
I don't feel too bad now having sent the message and received no reply...just kinda makes me feel like I'm the bad guy and I'm being punished when he was the one who hurt me.
This hopefully will be the last of it now. Just hate how small he makes me feel. I'm trying to be civil and adult.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2019 12:52:52 GMT
see - he's unnecessary indeed! you got things done, without him or his replies. it is painful but it does signal that you are capable and resourceful! one way forward is to think about what you want and the position you're going to take going forward. you didn't HAVE to text him about the bill - who cares really if it was more than he expected. but you did, because you are considerate and wanted to be nice, then you felt bad about it. There is no need to feel like you're badgering him, if you decide that being considerate is important to you and you want to be faultless, ESPECIALLY when it's for his benefit. Geez. you're not badgering - you're simply informing him. that sentiment of badgering him needs to be re-examined by you for your own benefit - are you still trying in some small but seemingly way to reach out to him to connect and you know this deep down so you feel like you're badgering? or are you of the attitude that you're simply letting him know the situation and therefore needs no reply because you can get shit done.
you can consider what it is YOU want to be for yourself and then decide on what the boundaries around that are. Do you want to be nice? Why is there a need to be so nice? How nice do you want to be? etc etc. there is no need to take the high road here so you can hold moral high ground; you don't have to bankrupt him, but you certainly need to do nothing more than just cutting it clean. sounds like a real piece of work!
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 13:00:33 GMT
It's important for me and my sense of self to do things as kindly as possible.
I think feeling like I'm badgering people is one of my own insecurities. I feel I'm being a nuisance quite a lot and try to regulate. It's so hard when you're ap to know what's 'normal.'
I absolutely do not need to contact him again now I think. Unless he kicks up a fuss about this money, which I don't think he will.
Fingers crossed it's all over.
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Post by toorational on Aug 19, 2019 16:25:56 GMT
If you need to contact him again, perhaps a phone call would be better than a text, assuming that he actually picks up the phone. Best of luck for the future.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 19, 2019 17:40:13 GMT
Just hate how small he makes me feel. I'm trying to be civil and adult. This is the underlying problem. You're responding to the imbalance and taking it personally, letting his actions partially define and impact you. But it doesn't matter what he does, because it reflects on him and his own nonsense, instabilities, and immaturity. You are being an adult, he's not. But the imbalance you feel, and associated discomfort, is your own attachment issues and insecurity. So, in my opinion, what to do about it is keep reaching out as administratively necessary and responsible, but be nice to yourself on days you need to reach out. Keep busy doing other things at those times that make you feel personally accomplished and satisfied. Your opinion of yourself is what's important here, and I don't think you're doing anything untoward or imbalanced in his direction. He's the problem, not you, so don't take responsibility for being the problem when you're not. You're only the problem in taking on too much personally in his lack of response.
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Post by hannah99 on Aug 19, 2019 17:46:57 GMT
Thanks alexandra I needed to hear that. It's crazy to me how much people change after a breakup.
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