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Post by tnr9 on Aug 22, 2019 22:08:34 GMT
tnr9 , that gives a lot of perspective! You have done a lot of work and obviously made progress. ❤️ It's interesting to understand your attachment style to your faith! It was a complete surprise to me...I always wondered why i wasn't all about Jesus the way I was all about guys I was pursuing/dating. I once described it as feeling like I had ankle chains and was chained to a wall in a dungeon and I was curled up in a ball. In my class they said it was that the wall was my shame. I had this fear based relationship and instead of wanting to grow closer, I actually took this....I don’t need you stance....because there is no way I can live up to what you want from me. There are so many different things I have used to define me....none of which brought me any level of freedom...they just felt familiar. I know now it seems I spin in circles a lot here...but I have done a ton of work...which is why the (let’s be honest here) obsession with B was so surprising. Even today....I have gone through a surprising number of feelings...from anger to sadness to where I am at this moment which is acceptance...all while doing my job. I call this my highest self because this is when I just accept what is and I can get things done. Thank you for all your questions as they have been really helpful to me as well.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 22:33:50 GMT
tnr9 , that gives a lot of perspective! You have done a lot of work and obviously made progress. ❤️ It's interesting to understand your attachment style to your faith! It was a complete surprise to me...I always wondered why i wasn't all about Jesus the way I was all about guys I was pursuing/dating. I once described it as feeling like I had ankle chains and was chained to a wall in a dungeon and I was curled up in a ball. In my class they said it was that the wall was my shame. I had this fear based relationship and instead of wanting to grow closer, I actually took this....I don’t need you stance....because there is no way I can live up to what you want from me. There are so many different things I have used to define me....none of which brought me any level of freedom...they just felt familiar. I know now it seems I spin in circles a lot here...but I have done a ton of work...which is why the (let’s be honest here) obsession with B was so surprising. Even today....I have gone through a surprising number of feelings...from anger to sadness to where I am at this moment which is acceptance...all while doing my job. I call this my highest self because this is when I just accept what is and I can get things done. Thank you for all your questions as they have been really helpful to me as well. This is so interesting! I only know you as AP on the boards but your explanation of your struggles in this thread caused me to wonder if you are living in a disorganized freeze state! That makes so much sense, although I could be off. But maybe Somatic Experiencing could help you resolve that? Just an idea?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 22, 2019 23:45:40 GMT
It was a complete surprise to me...I always wondered why i wasn't all about Jesus the way I was all about guys I was pursuing/dating. I once described it as feeling like I had ankle chains and was chained to a wall in a dungeon and I was curled up in a ball. In my class they said it was that the wall was my shame. I had this fear based relationship and instead of wanting to grow closer, I actually took this....I don’t need you stance....because there is no way I can live up to what you want from me. There are so many different things I have used to define me....none of which brought me any level of freedom...they just felt familiar. I know now it seems I spin in circles a lot here...but I have done a ton of work...which is why the (let’s be honest here) obsession with B was so surprising. Even today....I have gone through a surprising number of feelings...from anger to sadness to where I am at this moment which is acceptance...all while doing my job. I call this my highest self because this is when I just accept what is and I can get things done. Thank you for all your questions as they have been really helpful to me as well. This is so interesting! I only know you as AP on the boards but your explanation of your struggles in this thread caused me to wonder if you are living in a disorganized freeze state! That makes so much sense, although I could be off. But maybe Somatic Experiencing could help you resolve that? Just an idea? Yes...I was thinking of looking into it. 🙂. Every test I take always points to AP....but I always take it focused on a guy I desire. I am always the pursuer.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 0:06:36 GMT
A lot of SE therapists offer a free consultation. Via skype or other internet video chat. You could do an internet search. Some are also trained in attachment. It would be much more beneficial to consult with an SE therapist about your general pattern than to take a self assessment,, in my opinion. Not telling you what to do, just suggesting the free consult, because of the great experience I am having.
I'm working with avoidant attachment specifically but any stored trauma can be addressed with SE.
They may really be able to shed some light on the general freeze state you show signs of. I'm certainly no expert but just what I have learned so far impresses me. It is expensive! But for me, worth every penny so far.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2019 2:46:36 GMT
tnr9 , I think the suggestions for actions are they help break and change some of the thought patterns it's easy to get stuck in. For me, I had to research and think and figure out what was going on first, but then the choice to focus on myself and change things involved taking drastically different actions than usual and not letting the old negative thought patterns derail me even if I got uncomfortable. Just accept those and stay the new action courses and see what happened. And what happened was new perspectives and growth that overpowered the AP thought patterns that weren't helping me. I agree it's not about seeking a reward, it's about taking all the necessary steps to see change. It's hard to create lasting change if you're still thinking and not doing anything else differently. Let's say, you broke your arm. You can research it, understand how the accident happened that caused you to break your arm, understand the biology behind how the body heals and scientifically what's going on... but if you don't take action to set and wrap the fracture, it's going to hurt for much longer and probably not heal properly or fully functionally, no matter how much you've thought about it. Lean into what you're saying about how your mom left you with negative feelings about taking action. Explore that. Maybe it's not even your own reluctance -- it's ideas that were projected onto you that, at your core, aren't your own thoughts. Or, perhaps inaction was a defense mechanism to keep things more stable as a kid that doesn't serve you any longer. When I try to think back as to the reason why....i shut down...and I found myself getting rather protective/defensive of my mom and I don’t know why either because what you have above has nothing really to do with her. That also happens a lot...I try to get to the root of a pattern and I blank on it and collapse into tears for no apparent reason. It is like I got stuck on patterns that I have tried to cobble together with fragments of information. My mom is the one who told me I was a colicky baby, my mom is the one who told me our dad cheated on her, my mom is the one who told me my dad won the custody battle and did not want me. I have no idea why I am how I am other then school reports from teachers, a letter from a therapist I was required to see when I was in 6th grade and pieces of information that my mom decides to share.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2019 5:10:29 GMT
tnr9, you are where you are in your process, and that's okay. I'm not a professional in any way, but it sounds to me like you're describing tapping into trauma. Your defense mechanisms went up to protect you, and what's underneath may be very difficult to handle on your own, so you keep hitting this wall. I like @sherry 's suggestion of seeing how things could go with an SE therapist. But I wonder if you don't want to take action because it feels so uncomfortable to dive into those layers (which is how you know you're onto something). In which case, that may still be your body telling you you need someone skilled at resolving trauma to help you.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 23, 2019 7:33:16 GMT
tnr9 Do you think/feel, that you deserve to get better ? Some people will have to work on the "deserving-it-aspect" first of all. Working on the "deserve-muscle" When we are in survival mode (on the instinktive level) there is no room for love or self love. We are busy trying to survive. The overthinking, analysing, crying, feeling can maybe making it worse. (Someone with some ambivalent and or desorganised attatchment or other kinds of trauma can burst into tears. It can be a sign that your nerveus system gets overwhelmed.) Also being a baby with colic sounds stressfull. And your former relationships. An SE teacher explains: "What we have found is that when we work at the nervous system and body level the imprinted beliefs that ultimately stem from the unresolved trauma first start to become less convincing. We may hear the same thoughts or self-limiting beliefs, but as the associated survival energy is released those mental experiences become drained of their urgency and conviction, and they start to become something we can simply notice and disregard much more easily. Over time those thoughts and beliefs do disappear entirely as we start to accumulate more and more lived and felt experience that doesn’t match up with those old mental patterns."
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2019 12:00:17 GMT
tnr9 Do you think/feel, that you deserve to get better ? Some people will have to work on the "deserving-it-aspect" first of all. Working on the "deserve-muscle" When we are in survival mode (on the instinktive level) there is no room for love or self love. We are busy trying to survive. The overthinking, analysing, crying, feeling can maybe making it worse. (Someone with some ambivalent and or desorganised attatchment or other kinds of trauma can burst into tears. It can be a sign that your nerveus system gets overwhelmed.) Also being a baby with colic sounds stressfull. And your former relationships. That is exactly where I feel I am at...in survival mode....I resist sleeping...I don’t know why....I wake up so tired, jaw clenched, I cry at the slightest thing. I don’t understand why my nervous system is in overwhelm.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2019 12:03:21 GMT
tnr9 , you are where you are in your process, and that's okay. I'm not a professional in any way, but it sounds to me like you're describing tapping into trauma. Your defense mechanisms went up to protect you, and what's underneath may be very difficult to handle on your own, so you keep hitting this wall. I like @sherry 's suggestion of seeing how things could go with an SE therapist. But I wonder if you don't want to take action because it feels so uncomfortable to dive into those layers (which is how you know you're onto something). In which case, that may still be your body telling you you need someone skilled at resolving trauma to help you. Yeh...I want to check on an SE therapist.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 12:28:28 GMT
tnr9 it's gentle, it's very gentle and I think you will feel very supported and experience some relief. This is really good stuff. I'm happy for you. I know you're in a tough spot but this could be a good chapter.
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Post by serenity on Aug 25, 2019 6:22:40 GMT
That is exactly where I feel I am at...in survival mode....I resist sleeping...I don’t know why....I wake up so tired, jaw clenched, I cry at the slightest thing. I don’t understand why my nervous system is in overwhelm. I agree that it sounds like symptoms of trauma, hon. Thats not to say B intended it, or is malicious in any way. Trauma in this case is about your own inner experience of feeling abandoned.... and then continuing to be remain in a highly insecure `friendship' (for years) that triggered more , and worse abandonment. You've been blaming yourself, and part of this is accountable and healthy. But usually this is done because it gives you a false sense of control. It can be dangerous to try to modify your emotional makeup... your empathy and sensitivity to loss ... to such an extent that you become the perfect numb abuse victim. What if you met someone who didn't abandon you? Who didn't offer you crumbs and unstable relationship terms? What if you instead negotiated boundaries and emotional safety? Would you still regard yourself as someone who needed to be fixed before they deserved love? Or do you think its possible you might start to feel relief from the trauma of being abandoned... feel loved, secure, and start to thrive with a caring man by your side? In my work with many women who have survived traumatic relationships over the years, choosing a loving, empathetic partner, rather than someone who simply triggers old wounds, has been the most sure footed way forward to secure attachments I've seen.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2019 14:31:29 GMT
Thanks everyone for your feedback...I have found a few SE practitioners in my area....I need to contact my insurance to see if any of this can be covered because the sessions are not in expensive. I am still experiencing a tight jaw and not sleeping well.. And I still have a general sensation of numbing.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2019 22:16:17 GMT
So....yesterday my tight jaw released....but today I had a bit of a set back. The details are not important.....but letting go of old patterns and tapes is harder than I thought. Still, it is a positive sign that I am focused on me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2019 22:48:38 GMT
So....yesterday my tight jaw released....but today I had a bit of a set back. The details are not important.....but letting go of old patterns and tapes is harder than I thought. Still, it is a positive sign that I am focused on me. I hope that you're able to get insurance coverage for SE. I see my SE/Attachment therapist tomorrow and I look forward to it! I'm dealing with trying to open more into healthy dependence on others. It's so opposite of my life long way of being, it's stressful for me. I always feel compelled to turn back to myself. I have a way to go. I make progress with our sessions. He's so in tune with what is going on with me, that's how they are trained . My therapist is also highly educated in neurobiology. He gets me like no one ever has before! It's something I really hope you can experience!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2019 23:18:37 GMT
I think you are very strong and brave in the way you lay it all out without fear of judgement. Even if it’s there, it’s not enough to deter from posting your very private thoughts. That really brave! Netflix - when it gets to that point for me - is a signal I’m a bit depressed and am trying to distract myself so I don’t have to deal with my emotions. I let it roll out. Usually it’s about a month for me. Not to say that I’m suggesting that’s a measurement of anything but just that’s my pattern. I tend to lean towards ‘habit’ which some others have stated as the problem that typically needs to be addressed when I’m in a similar situation. When you’ve been thinking about someone for years pathologically... it’s hardwired. You have to create new neuropathways and let them eat up the energy. Hobbies, work, arts, writing, cooking, music - I definitely find results when I pick up something new to learn as the learning curve requires my attention and that means I spend less time obsessing. Again this is a process and by no means a quick solution. Another trick I use is I face myself in the mirror. I tell my reflection words of affirmation and give permission to veg out on the couch and watch Netflix and ruminate. I’m a secure btw and I can 100% relate and the bottom line is you gotta get to the core of why you don’t have your own back. You clearly have power (gf or no gf he’s still hanging around you as well!) but now it’s time to use it for yourself. To nourish and eliminate any self doubts on whether you got this or not. You have courage and empathy and awareness. One step at a time - you got this. Hey Omega....actually, he isn’t hanging around me anymore....it was a pretty abrupt shift after this last movie night. I think he knew he was going to say things I did not want to hear which is why he bought over the whiskey....he normally does not drink when we hung out in the past...he does not like conflict...this is how he deals...or rather...does not deal with it. I am adjusting, some days better than others to this new norm. He left something behind and I think I was holding it in the hope he would come over...but he has sent a text indicating that he doesn’t know when we can hang out again...citing being busy with work, church and personal. I am leaning towards just mailing this item to him so he has it. This change in the dynamic, although completely understandable, is invoking all kinds of old tapes and behaviors.
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