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Post by dhali on Aug 29, 2019 3:02:38 GMT
The reality is, you shouldn’t even be aware they are in a new relationship.. you are, so now it’s your job to be unaware of a breakup, or really anything to do with them. Let your memories be your only awareness
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Post by anne12 on Aug 29, 2019 7:42:33 GMT
tnr9 You are writing that your "ex friend" has got ADHD. His brain is whired differently than yours. Can you see the advantage of not being in a relationship with a guy with ADHD ? Among other things they can act very unpredictially and they often follow their own impulses. Sometimes they can say something very inapropiate and can sometimes be way too honest without taking into account, how the other person would receive what they say. They can have difficulties with the level of dopamine in their brain. And they can have a tendency for substance abuse (alcohol, weed ect). A lot of people can get warn out by this behaviour in a relationship. You can maybe look at your feeling of feeling unsafe with. this guy as a healthy sign. Your intuition was kind of telling you something was off. Your cleanching jaws, your neck problems ect can be a sign of repressed anger (repressed healthy survival energy) from.a SE perspektive, too much stress. There could also be some other explanations off course.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2019 13:12:20 GMT
tnr9 You are writing that your "ex friend" has got ADHD. His brain is whired differently than yours. Can you see the advantage of not being in a relationship with a guy with ADHD ? Among other things they can act very unpredictially and they often follow their own impulses. Sometimes they can say something very inapropiate and can sometimes be way too honest without taking into account, how the other person would receive what they say. They can have difficulties with the level of dopamine in their brain. And they can have a tendency for substance abuse (alcohol, weed ect). A lot of people can get warn out by this behaviour in a relationship. You can maybe look at your feeling of feeling unsafe with. this guy as a healthy sign. Your intuition was kind of telling you something was off. Your cleanching jaws, your neck problems ect can be a sign of repressed anger (repressed healthy survival energy) from.a SE perspektive, too much stress. There could also be some other explanations off course. Thank you Anne...yeh....at one point I did look up ADHD relationships and read a lot of the challenges of those types of relationships but honestly thought that I could be the exception. Sherry is right however...that I shouldn’t be using his challenges as hope...and in a sense...that is what I have been doing. I feel yucky even admitting about the ADHD because it really should not be part of the equation now...and no....I still don’t see it from the perspective you have above. Thankfully I had a very long sleep...something that had been missing more 5 days. I am still experiencing a clenched jaw. Hopefully I will hear back from the SE therapist soon.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2019 17:35:49 GMT
So....I have my very first session next Friday at 10 am with someone close by. Unfortunately it is challenging to find someone who can meet in the evening.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2019 19:08:36 GMT
So....I have my very first session next Friday at 10 am with someone close by. Unfortunately it is challenging to find someone who can meet in the evening. I am excited for you!!! May this process take you to the next level. It takes time. It takes openness. But the modality itself, is powerful. Good luck! What a change in your life force- with these little changes and action steps you are taking, you will experience new things.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 29, 2019 19:58:15 GMT
I am not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but going back to something you shared on another post tnr9 about being an "away" moves type of person rather than a "towards" move type of person. This has been puzzling me - and the following is only a theory - but I wonder if it is as a result of getting stuck in traditional therapy? You've clearly done alot of work on your past, have thought about it and rationalised the effect it has had upon you and have a great deal of understanding about how your younger self was influenced and how that in turn has shaped your present. Where I see therapy sometimes falling short is that there is very often little emphasis on the towards moves themselves - as though unravelling the patterns and understanding them will be enough to precipitate some kind of change. Perhaps for some people this is true but for many it seems that despite the understanding the patterns still remain and there is a kind of limbo space where there is no direction for actual change and a kind of stuckness in the past trauma as a result. I am perhaps wrong - but I feel that positive change requires, if nothing else, a direction - not necessarily goals, but a kind of recognition of which direction you wish your life to travel, I see this as values which can then shape your actions and decisions. Having a resistance to going towards something is inherently limiting since without this kind of direction one is essentially floating aimlessly tossed around by the currents of life. So I am interested to know again - what are your values? You mentioned being of service to others with pure compassion - so how is that playing out in your life now - and in the future? And do you think that offering yourself the same compassion and service is also important in realising this?
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 30, 2019 12:43:17 GMT
I am not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but going back to something you shared on another post tnr9 about being an "away" moves type of person rather than a "towards" move type of person. This has been puzzling me - and the following is only a theory - but I wonder if it is as a result of getting stuck in traditional therapy? You've clearly done alot of work on your past, have thought about it and rationalised the effect it has had upon you and have a great deal of understanding about how your younger self was influenced and how that in turn has shaped your present. Where I see therapy sometimes falling short is that there is very often little emphasis on the towards moves themselves - as though unravelling the patterns and understanding them will be enough to precipitate some kind of change. Perhaps for some people this is true but for many it seems that despite the understanding the patterns still remain and there is a kind of limbo space where there is no direction for actual change and a kind of stuckness in the past trauma as a result. I am perhaps wrong - but I feel that positive change requires, if nothing else, a direction - not necessarily goals, but a kind of recognition of which direction you wish your life to travel, I see this as values which can then shape your actions and decisions. Having a resistance to going towards something is inherently limiting since without this kind of direction one is essentially floating aimlessly tossed around by the currents of life. So I am interested to know again - what are your values? You mentioned being of service to others with pure compassion - so how is that playing out in your life now - and in the future? And do you think that offering yourself the same compassion and service is also important in realising this? Hey Ocarina...good questions....when I initially pondered your question...I realized there is a sense of security in looking backwards. The thought that if I can can somehow understand what I did “wrong” that I won’t make the same mistake, and even get a different outcome....it is honestly “me” who keeps going backwards. My long term therapist tried many times to get me excited about meeting new people, going out on dates etc and I had no desire for that at all...I just wanted to keep talking about the last guy. Even now, I am swimming against a huge tide of wanting B back....even with all the tangible evidence that he did not really want me and that he is not as great as my mind makes him out to be...I still get caught in a mental loop at times in ruminations and then I am just too tired to move forward. I am very much an animal person and will likely explore going on another mission trip. i think the idea that I have to win someone in order to get their love is something I finally need to sit with...it just cannot be this hard.
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Post by ocarina on Aug 31, 2019 12:02:53 GMT
I am not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but going back to something you shared on another post tnr9 about being an "away" moves type of person rather than a "towards" move type of person. This has been puzzling me - and the following is only a theory - but I wonder if it is as a result of getting stuck in traditional therapy? You've clearly done alot of work on your past, have thought about it and rationalised the effect it has had upon you and have a great deal of understanding about how your younger self was influenced and how that in turn has shaped your present. Where I see therapy sometimes falling short is that there is very often little emphasis on the towards moves themselves - as though unravelling the patterns and understanding them will be enough to precipitate some kind of change. Perhaps for some people this is true but for many it seems that despite the understanding the patterns still remain and there is a kind of limbo space where there is no direction for actual change and a kind of stuckness in the past trauma as a result. I am perhaps wrong - but I feel that positive change requires, if nothing else, a direction - not necessarily goals, but a kind of recognition of which direction you wish your life to travel, I see this as values which can then shape your actions and decisions. Having a resistance to going towards something is inherently limiting since without this kind of direction one is essentially floating aimlessly tossed around by the currents of life. So I am interested to know again - what are your values? You mentioned being of service to others with pure compassion - so how is that playing out in your life now - and in the future? And do you think that offering yourself the same compassion and service is also important in realising this? Hey Ocarina...good questions....when I initially pondered your question...I realized there is a sense of security in looking backwards. The thought that if I can can somehow understand what I did “wrong” that I won’t make the same mistake, and even get a different outcome....it is honestly “me” who keeps going backwards. My long term therapist tried many times to get me excited about meeting new people, going out on dates etc and I had no desire for that at all...I just wanted to keep talking about the last guy. Even now, I am swimming against a huge tide of wanting B back....even with all the tangible evidence that he did not really want me and that he is not as great as my mind makes him out to be...I still get caught in a mental loop at times in ruminations and then I am just too tired to move forward. I am very much an animal person and will likely explore going on another mission trip. i think the idea that I have to win someone in order to get their love is something I finally need to sit with...it just cannot be this hard. Thank you for explaining - it isn't that hard and there is no need to win someone - once you are open and available you will attract the same without there being any requirements to be anything other than you are. Again this is a long held belief and it's perpetuated by having partner after partner who is not available - have you heard of the myth of Sisyphus? Who rolled the boulder up the hill again and again only for it to roll back down and the torture start all over - that's what this constant trying creates. Letting go is what you need now - letting go of how you have been doing things, of all the stories about yourself and then setting sail towards where you want your life to go from now. Exciting stuff.
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 31, 2019 12:33:45 GMT
I see you are too good for him. You dont drink to cope and working on yourself. Hes wandering through life unaware/avoiding it leaving a 'trail of destruction'. There is better than him out there for you.
There is also no 'winning' when youre with an emotionally available partner it just happens naturally.
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