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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 14, 2019 12:40:42 GMT
Hello everyone, I have an anxious attachment style, and I'm hoping someone here who's been through this and has managed or has at least started to manage this, could share what has worked for them. I (from the UK) am in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man who's living in the US. We met on a mental health forum over 2 years ago and have endless things in common, likes, interests, views, mental health problems etc, we're there for each other and we understand and support each other through everything, and we eventually developed feelings for each other. We skype every single day mainly voice calls, we have video called a few times, but we're not completely comfortable with it yet. Now, my anxiety has been pretty bad in previous relationships, but nowhere near as bad as it is right now! Thing is, my partner is giving me no reason to be this anxious about him and our relationship! He's constantly reassuring me that he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me, and is always showing it, however normal things seem to trigger me, such as when he goes to work, I have this overwhelming, unbearable and uncontrollable fear that something bad is going to happen to him and he isn't going to come back... I pace my room, shaking and crying until he returns, and at this point, I can't do anything else, I drop whatever I'm doing and cannot calm down until I know he's alright. And I do the same thing for other situations (normal situations) such as him taking longer than usual to do something like eating his dinner, sleeping, working etc, and my mind thinks up all kinds of scenarios that all end up being wrong, and I feel very ashamed and disgusted in myself for it! some of the thoughts are; he's losing interest and might have met another woman on one of the online games he plays, I'm boring him, I'm annoying him, I said something wrong or I talked too much, he's realized he can do better etc and I start becoming unbearably anxious, and the pacing and crying starts until he returns. I feel immature and ridiculous, and I'm not sure how common it is in people with an anxious attachment style, but all I know is that I can't cope with it anymore, it's gotten to a point where I'm feeling suicidal when the anxiety starts, I hate the way it feels and how incredibly difficult it is to manage! I've tried many things, mindfulness, meditation, compassionate imagery (which I learnt from therapy) and writing and balancing my thoughts, it just doesn't work, not in this area of my anxiety, only others such as my social anxiety. The only thing that helps is my partners return, his reassurance and consistency, and it's like the anxiety was never there! if my mind picks up on even the slightest sign of inconsistency (which is obviously imagined), or if I don't get enough reassurance, or he doesn't return when he says he will (which I know deep down can be due to a number of reasons) my anxiety flares up and the catastrophizing, fortune telling and mind reading starts. I know it's wrong of me to be this way, and of course I don't blame my partner at all and try not to tell him about it unless he asks me to, he knows something is wrong and he encourages me to open up and tell him, and he's incredibly understanding about it, doesn't judge, just listens to me and reassures me and says he wants to support me and work on this with me. He's not doing anything wrong, he's doing everything right! And yet I'm still anxious, suspicious and afraid Why is this?
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 14, 2019 12:51:12 GMT
Are you seeing anyone professionally for this? I think a therapist would be better at piecing together the why then any of us are on an Internet forum.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2019 12:53:33 GMT
Hello
Are you in therapy at the moment? If so, have you addressed this with your therapist?
You mentioned you have social anxiety? Do you stay in most of the time?
Sorry for so many questions. It helps to build a picture.
Perhaps you could keep yourself busy not to focus on your thoughts. It sounds like a lot of rumination is taking place here.
I am an AP. I know from my previous experiences if I remain in my room most of the time. It makes me ruminate to the point where I thought I was going insane.
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Post by simply on Sept 14, 2019 14:15:52 GMT
Hi I've experienced those things before. Like nothing works until I hear from SO. I think it sounds like a fear of loss or abandonment. Have you two met each other in person or is it this purely an online relationship? Because that might play into why you're suspicious and afraid. If you haven't met or if you have met but live very far apart and have totally separate lives, as an AP that can be quite challenging.
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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 14, 2019 18:49:22 GMT
Hey there Halfway-Secure, tnr9 and simply, I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond, thank you so much! I'm currently seeing an occupational therapist, and she's aware of my anxious attachment being a problem, yet it feels like she's more focused on my social anxiety. The work we do is mainly to tackle social anxiety, and little attention is paid to my attachment anxiety, and I've raised my concerns about it many times, but I don't think she quite understands how serious it actually is With social anxiety, you can easily avoid the anxiety by not going out, which of course isn't healthy at all, I know. But with anxious attachment, there's no avoiding it, and the anxiety is, at least for me, much worse than it is being in a social situation. And I do agree with you there Halfway-Secure, keeping busy and distracting ourselves from our thoughts truly does help! It does help me in some situations. However, in a situation where I'm worrying about my partners safety while he's at work, I'll be able to distract myself until it gets to a certain time, then I feel the anxiety creeping up and I can no longer keep my mind focused on anything other than my partner And I also agree with you saying that spending most of our time in our rooms doing nothing definitely allows our minds to wander and for us to start ruminating, it's awful! in response to your questions though, I do have social anxiety which is why I stay in a lot and I guess why I haven't been in a real life relationship before, only long distance. And I am truly sorry that you both also suffer from this, and are or have been in this position! I wouldn't wish this on anybody, it's just the most awful way to live, and it's easy for healthy minded people, or people that don't suffer from this to not understand just how painful it is, and downplay it! And simply, I honestly think I agree with you that the fact we're so far apart and haven't met yet, must be playing into why I'm still suspicious and afraid, you're definitely right! We haven't met in person yet, but have future plans to, he lives in the US, and I live in the UK. Again, thank you so much for replying, I really do appreciate it, and I wish you all a great day!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 14, 2019 19:33:18 GMT
hayls1994, I agree with simply also, that this is fear of abandonment triggering your anxiety. It may be from the very real issue of never having met your partner and that, after a couple years, you're actually not getting your needs met (wanting physical affection and a present partner is totally legit). Apologies if I'm off-target here, but my best guess is you got involved with someone far away because you have a connection and the distance worked with your social anxiety. Perhaps now, both as you're working through that with your therapist and as you've developed a trusting enough bond with him to override the in person social anxiety fears, you're feeling your other needs starting to surface, but they're not all getting met by the current state of the situation. Hence, feeling anxiety because your body is alerting you to something not completely working for you in the relationship but you don't yet understand what that is / don't know how to communicate about it or fix it. So, anxiety and fear of loss overcomes you. If that's off-base and it's completely anxious attachment issues that are making you imagine he will leave for no reason, the way to tackle that is working on your fear of abandonment by learning how to not abandon yourself. That you're enough for you, and while he adds a lot to your life and you're happy with him, you'll survive without him if you ever had to because you've got you. If any of that seems helpful and resonates with you, it may be a good next step to explore those concepts further with your therapist so you can tackle them in a healthy way.
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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 14, 2019 21:22:45 GMT
Hey alexandra, thank you so much for your response, and for your advice, it means a lot! :') I agree with you entirely that it's my fear of abandonment that is triggering my anxiety, my worry is simply him not returning to me for any reason, whether it's him meeting someone else and falling for them, leaving me without an explanation or something bad happening to him at work or at home, I just fear losing him more than anything it consumes me, it really does! And I honestly think you might be right about the anxiety being my body's way of trying to tell me that something isn't working for me in the relationship! It is something I've thought about a lot I think it's the physical distance, I do want the physical closeness as well as the emotional closeness we have, it does get lonely, and I do find myself feeling depressed over it at times. "the way to tackle that is working on your fear of abandonment by learning how to not abandon yourself. That you're enough for you, and while he adds a lot to your life and you're happy with him, you'll survive without him if you ever had to because you've got you." Wow! I can't thank you enough for writing this, I say very similar things to myself when trying to calm myself, and even though it does give me a sudden but temporary feeling of relief, it is something I can try and work on sustaining isn't it? this was very encouraging, in fact your whole post was very insightful and uplifting, thank you so much!
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Post by averyleigh on Sept 14, 2019 22:08:14 GMT
hayls1994, I agree with simply also, that this is fear of abandonment triggering your anxiety. It may be from the very real issue of never having met your partner and that, after a couple years, you're actually not getting your needs met (wanting physical affection and a present partner is totally legit). Apologies if I'm off-target here, but my best guess is you got involved with someone far away because you have a connection and the distance worked with your social anxiety. Perhaps now, both as you're working through that with your therapist and as you've developed a trusting enough bond with him to override the in person social anxiety fears, you're feeling your other needs starting to surface, but they're not all getting met by the current state of the situation. Hence, feeling anxiety because your body is alerting you to something not completely working for you in the relationship but you don't yet understand what that is / don't know how to communicate about it or fix it. So, anxiety and fear of loss overcomes you. If that's off-base and it's completely anxious attachment issues that are making you imagine he will leave for no reason, the way to tackle that is working on your fear of abandonment by learning how to not abandon yourself. That you're enough for you, and while he adds a lot to your life and you're happy with him, you'll survive without him if you ever had to because you've got you. If any of that seems helpful and resonates with you, it may be a good next step to explore those concepts further with your therapist so you can tackle them in a healthy way. 👆👆👆👌👌👌👏👏👏
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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 15, 2019 22:56:01 GMT
I'm triggered right now, and feel incredibly ashamed of myself for it! it's completely irrational, and I know deep down I'm fortune telling again, and what I'm worrying about isn't going to happen, it's just so difficult to balance the thoughts, it really is! My partner, again doing absolutely nothing wrong, commented on a reddit post, and even made his own post on there (absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I'm not angry at him for doing so) and it's made me think of when we met, and the times we talked on the mental health forum, getting to know each other, and I felt a rush of anxiety, and I'm now worried that he'll meet another woman on reddit, and talk to her, get to know her and fall for her, losing interest in me and becoming cold and distant with me I know it's irrational and I don't actually believe this will happen, it's just my anxiety and fears consuming me, making me worry that he'll meet someone better and become distant and irritable around me I'm not thinking of telling him about this at all, because the last thing I want is for him to feel he's not allowed to do these things, I don't want to hurt him I hate being this way, it's so hard sometimes!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2019 14:12:18 GMT
hayls1994, if you're not acting on these irrational thoughts, do you need to be ashamed? What about if you accept that it's okay to feel how you're feeling instead fighting it? Not ruminate and linger, but feel it with self-acceptance until it passes.
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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 16, 2019 14:25:39 GMT
Hey there alexandra! I'm definitely not acting on the thoughts directly to my partner, but it just makes me feel so awful for even having the thoughts I can't help but to get up and pace and resort to crying because I can't cope with the anxiety and the thought of him not coming back to me and today I'm triggered again, he's at work, and I haven't had a message off him, he usually messages me every now and then consistently every day to let me know everything is alright, and not hearing from him sends me into full panic mode, and I fear something bad has happened to him! it's incredibly difficult to calm down, and balance my thoughts. I do tell myself that it's okay to feel the way I am, I try not to fight it and accept it until it passes, but it never does, it doesn't pass until I hear from him, I hate it so much, I really do! Just one message from him calms me right down and it's as if the anxiety was never there...
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2019 14:28:17 GMT
Do you have any go to self-soothing tools? I know it's impossible to focus when triggered, but can you take a walk, exercise, play or make some music, tune out a bit until you feel better and can address the underlying issues more rationally?
There's no need to go into a shame spiral, as it makes it last longer.
Do you have anything else going on in your life besides reading reddit that is stressful and might be making you more susceptible to triggers?
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Post by hayls1994 on Sept 16, 2019 15:13:50 GMT
A few things seem to help sooth me a little bit at different times, I guess it depends on what the situation is that I'm anxious about. One thing that helps, but I have to feel in the mood for is playing music on my keyboard as you suggested taking a walk definitely helps as long as I have someone to go with, which unfortunately isn't as often as I'd like talking to someone outside family who is understanding of what I'm going through is another thing that really helps, and I know this might sound silly but crying until I'm exhausted helps too! 🤦 Thing is, one of these things will work one day, then the next day they won't, it's weird... I think it must depend on the situation or even my overall mood, like if I've been feeling good about something, it'll be easier to calm down when I'm anxious, but when I'm having a bad day to begin with it's harder to calm down. I do have more going on in my life than my relationship anxiety that's causing me stress. Problems in my family, therapy because of not being able to keep up with the work due to all of this, and I'm feeling suicidal every day, but I have no plans and no actual intention to do anything, just the feeling of not wanting or even caring to live anymore. I'd just like to thank you for your amazing advice though alexandra, a lot of what you've wrote in both your posts has made sense to me and I'm already feeling better! are/were you AP yourself?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2019 22:36:42 GMT
I'd just like to thank you for your amazing advice though alexandra, a lot of what you've wrote in both your posts has made sense to me and I'm already feeling better! are/were you AP yourself? Thanks. Yes, I was textbook AP for most of my life, kept hitting repetitive walls I didn't understand (mostly, it was me always choosing avoidant partners and vice-versa) but did my best to keep trying to change and fix, and earned secure after a couple years hard work and multiple breakups with an FA that led to me finally understanding attachment theory and its applications.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2019 22:46:47 GMT
I do have more going on in my life than my relationship anxiety that's causing me stress. Problems in my family, therapy because of not being able to keep up with the work due to all of this, and I'm feeling suicidal every day, but I have no plans and no actual intention to do anything, just the feeling of not wanting or even caring to live anymore. I understand you mean the pain and anxiety is hard to tolerate and you want it to stop, not you want everything to end. You may be using your relationship as a distraction from that pain as APs lack the ability to self-regulate their emotions well. A relationship can't solve or soothe all someone's stressors or provide that much identity and worth. Where are you and your own worth in all this? I hope you've mentioned to your therapist if you're having suicidal thoughts, as that is very serious -- and you need more in addition to anonymous message board support, as other posters have said! But per my initial comments, you can learn to emotionally support yourself and practice using those muscles, which your therapist should be able to help you with. Keep being kind to and patient with yourself in the meantime. Don't write a narrative of "shoulds" ie I should be feeling this instead of that, I should be doing this instead of that, and talking negatively to yourself when you're not meeting these arbitrary expectations.
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