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Post by tnr9 on Sept 16, 2019 12:59:40 GMT
For the last 2 days I have been in full “missing B” mode...I just let myself go there without judgement. instead of wanting him to be happy, I found myself wishing his relationship would “fail”....either due to his ADHD, his FA, his use of alcohol. I did not want to see him succeed with this relationship....which is just so counter to how I truly want to view him. If I love him....I should love him irrespective of whether he loves me back....but I am owning that I am really far from that. I just wanted to own this rather ugly side today.
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Post by tiffster on Sept 16, 2019 13:24:12 GMT
I’m new here. Just made my first post yesterday.
Just wanted to let you know that I feel you. And I understand.
Maybe it makes me an ugly person but I only want to see my ex happy with me. Otherwise I don’t want to see him at all. Don’t want to see him. Don’t want to know him. Too painful.
Sending you love today as your heart heals. I don’t think you are being ugly. Just real about how you are feeling.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 16, 2019 14:08:11 GMT
tnr9, just a thought... I know how much you care about B from your posts, and it's certainly normal to feel that way after you've been hurt! Do you think there's any connection between feeling that way and how you grew up with conditional love... family who wanted you to be a certain way only on their terms, so that became your example? I don't think you're a bad person for those thoughts or actually wish him ill at all, and I'm glad you're accepting the thoughts and feeling them go by instead of harshly judging yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2019 14:17:36 GMT
Anger is a normal thing. You're grieving. It will come and go. It doesn't make you a bad human being, but a human being. You are hurting, that's all.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 18, 2019 2:32:42 GMT
tnr9 , just a thought... I know how much you care about B from your posts, and it's certainly normal to feel that way after you've been hurt! Do you think there's any connection between feeling that way and how you grew up with conditional love... family who wanted you to be a certain way only on their terms, so that became your example? I don't think you're a bad person for those thoughts or actually wish him ill at all, and I'm glad you're accepting the thoughts and feeling them go by instead of harshly judging yourself. It probably has...I just haven’t made all the connections. I know it was not ok to be angry....at least...it did not feel ok....so I would cry instead. I still cry. The one place my anger comes out is while I am driving...I get made at other drivers...not in a road rage way,..but in a legalistic way. I am pretty tolerant of people for who they are....except when I am driving. Still....I really wish I could be happy and supportive towards B...I wish I was able to be mature about this.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 18, 2019 23:55:26 GMT
For the last 2 days I have been in full “missing B” mode...I just let myself go there without judgement. instead of wanting him to be happy, I found myself wishing his relationship would “fail”....either due to his ADHD, his FA, his use of alcohol. I did not want to see him succeed with this relationship....which is just so counter to how I truly want to view him. If I love him....I should love him irrespective of whether he loves me back....but I am owning that I am really far from that. I just wanted to own this rather ugly side today. I wish the same for J. I think for me it all comes back to me not being enough. Her being good enough to want to be with her all the time and take her everywhere and commit to her. Like he is fixed and it was alllll me. For whatever reason I selfishly long to hear it failed as if in some way it will validate that it wasn't me. Stay strong <3
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Post by serenity on Sept 19, 2019 0:18:49 GMT
I think this is normal (Hugs). <3
Just means you're not over them yet. When you finally get to that point of not caring about who they love and who they are with, you can always explore the benefits of a platonic friendship.
Its easier to get to that place when you have moved on and found new love yourself. Hold on, you will get there.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 21, 2019 3:54:49 GMT
This sounds more like jealousy than anger to me, which is understandable. I feel very much the same way at the moment. I can see someday getting to the place where I can genuinely say that I hope he is happy with someone else, but I'm not there yet. Hopefully it's just a matter of time and distance as well as introspection... that's what I'm banking on anyway.
It's great that you're able to observe your thoughts without judgment. At the moment I'm feeling very impatient with myself and wanting to be further along in the process than I am. It's hard to have patience when there's so much pain involved!!!
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 21, 2019 4:31:05 GMT
This sounds more like jealousy than anger to me, which is understandable. I feel very much the same way at the moment. I can see someday getting to the place where I can genuinely say that I hope he is happy with someone else, but I'm not there yet. Hopefully it's just a matter of time and distance as well as introspection... that's what I'm banking on anyway. It's great that you're able to observe your thoughts without judgment. At the moment I'm feeling very impatient with myself and wanting to be further along in the process than I am. It's hard to have patience when there's so much pain involved!!! You are right...I am jealous....because I wanted it to be me. Tonight I got an IM from B....I have not heard from him in over a month..where he basically said he was attending a different bible study and as such, would likely not be attending the community group that he and I met at. My heart actually sank because I figure he is attending this new bible study with his new girlfriend...and in a rather twisted way...it feels like he is abandoning me. So I am trying to just sit with this and let the tears come...even while I feel frozen, numb and afraid.
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Post by serenity on Sept 21, 2019 5:36:24 GMT
tnr9, Its going to be okay. I can only imagine how scary abandonment feels for you, you have truly suffered beyond what most people would be able to withstand, in order to avoid it. May i ask you, where are you feeling it in your body? Heart, stomach? What does it feel like? Try to remove thoughts, and breath...
You truly are going to be okay, I promise. You have endured B, you can endure this too. You are an amazingly strong, graceful, good natured woman to have done so for so long.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 21, 2019 10:19:37 GMT
tnr9, Its going to be okay. I can only imagine how scary abandonment feels for you, you have truly suffered beyond what most people would be able to withstand, in order to avoid it. May i ask you, where are you feeling it in your body? Heart, stomach? What does it feel like? Try to remove thoughts, and breath... You truly are going to be okay, I promise. You have endured B, you can endure this too. You are an amazingly strong, graceful, good natured woman to have done so for so long. It is a tightening in my jaw and an ill feeling in my stomach and I typically just go numb or start to cry. I don’t want anyone to view B in a negative light. B is not responsible for my feelings and actions. He never physically or even mentally abused me....he is not a narcissist, he is not a bad guy. He is allowed to move on. I am the one who has had the issues....I could not be around him when he came back to the community because I would get jealous, I was not very good at keep friendship boundaries after he broke up with me....and I struggle with his “matter of fact” tone of his IM when I still love him. 😕. It really is on me.
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Post by serenity on Sept 21, 2019 18:34:35 GMT
I agree with your attitude, that noone is to blame, and you each played your own part. When I said `you endured B', what I meant is you endured a situation that was extremely painful, for years. You had been in a relationship with B, and on an emotional level you remained lovers long after the safety of that relationship ended. You were downgraded, and he enjoyed the benefits of you being his lover right on up until he replaced you. It was very convenient for B, and very painful for you.
B's part in this is he continued to use your feelings for him for sex and attention, long after he decided he didn't want to be your partner. Your part in this is you are a vulnerable person who allowed that to happen, because it was too painful for you to protect yourself by ending contact.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 21, 2019 21:30:32 GMT
I mean this is the kindest most girl talk way ever.
But GIRRRRLLLLLLL, NO. He didn't message you because he wanted to bad to tell you about church.
He is dipping that toe in.
Please please don't respond right away.
And furthermore, I am sure B is just like the rest of us, trying to find a way to get through life but THESE. WERE. NOT. ALL. YOUR. ISSUES. You are human. You are kind. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are worthy just how you are. Issues and ALL. It's awesome that you are doing the work and gaining insight to heal. But people that love you, love you regardless of whatever dysfunctional way you adapted to survive and protect yourself. B absolutely owns behavior and actions that co-created this interaction.
PS. Don't respond. I will airmail you a cupcake!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 21, 2019 21:35:43 GMT
he basically said he was attending a different bible study and as such, would likely not be attending the community group that he and I met at. Are you going to start attending your community group again? I know it meant a lot to you, and perhaps you can reconnect with your friends there if you stopped seeing them regularly.
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Post by serenity on Sept 21, 2019 22:30:29 GMT
Lol Violets, you go girl!! <3
Honestly wasn't sure what to make of that message. Tnr9, Did you interpret the message as `I noticed you haven't been around your community because of me, its safe to go back' or as him trying to provoke some contact from you (by letting you know he's abandoning you for good)? I couldn't quite tell? Have you been avoiding community altogether, or just him?
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