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Post by tnr9 on Sept 26, 2019 12:13:59 GMT
So...I have gone to 3 sessions so far...we haven't begun any somatic exercises yet as she is getting to know me. One interesting idea that she has brought up is that I am the result of 3 generations of women so she has been asking about my mom, my grandmother and my great grandmother. Even though this is the most expensive therapist I have been too....I believe that she is really looking at a holistic picture of me and I am finally at a point where I want to do the work and am not focused on keeping this guy or winning back that guy.
Speaking of B....I know absolutely nothing about his life and I feel better off not knowing. Sure, there is the occasional thought/question regarding how well his latest relationship is going....whether there are any cracks yet....or whether it is still smooth sailing...but it really isn't my business and these thoughts are not as intrusive as they once were...which is a HUGE blessing. I still love him for who he is..but I realize that who he is and who I am are not really compatible for right now. He has his stuff and I have mine and I can only work on mine. I do hope that he is doing well at his job and that he is finding happiness...because he does deserve that.
Ok...enough about him....I am really looking forward to have a weekend to REST....last weekend was so packed full that I just did not have any opportunity to relax and take care of things.
Wishing everyone well. |
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Post by dhali on Sept 26, 2019 20:38:06 GMT
"there is the occasional thought/question regarding how well his latest relationship is going....whether there are any cracks yet....or whether it is still smooth sailing"
I don't think there's any such thing with an avoidant. In my case, this is the furthest thing from my mind, as if she's with someone else, oh boy. I kinda feel bad for the guy. He doesn't have any clue what's about to happen.
"it really isn't my business"
Bingo!
You're doing just fine. Well done.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 26, 2019 23:46:08 GMT
"there is the occasional thought/question regarding how well his latest relationship is going....whether there are any cracks yet....or whether it is still smooth sailing" I don't think there's any such thing with an avoidant. In my case, this is the furthest thing from my mind, as if she's with someone else, oh boy. I kinda feel bad for the guy. He doesn't have any clue what's about to happen. "it really isn't my business" Bingo! You're doing just fine. Well done. But there is this part of me that wonders if he is truly as FA with her as he was with me. Maybe their dynamic is dramatically different is how the story goes....that is just old patterns of thinking...but wanted to put it out there. And again...it truly is not my business. |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 27, 2019 0:01:59 GMT
Good for you!  You know I always say, you got this! Attachment traumas does get passed down generation to generation. Shes digging into the past to see the now. You are stopping the cycle right now doing the work, when you have children they will be secures. dhali I feel ya on feeling bad for the next person that comes along. How hurt I was a secure, it will hit the AP harder. I think I may be his first secure. Also the way the universe works, they will move onto some thats 'bad' for them. They have not learned the lessons yet and doing the inner work. Will keep sending 'bad' until you do. People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and they teach us. My FA was sent into my life to learn attachment and reflect even more on my life. I dated one narc back in my 20's and the rest secures so I needed the lessons. Specially since the dating pool 35+ will be filled with avoidants! LOL |
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Post by dhali on Sept 27, 2019 1:00:23 GMT
"there is the occasional thought/question regarding how well his latest relationship is going....whether there are any cracks yet....or whether it is still smooth sailing" I don't think there's any such thing with an avoidant. In my case, this is the furthest thing from my mind, as if she's with someone else, oh boy. I kinda feel bad for the guy. He doesn't have any clue what's about to happen. "it really isn't my business" Bingo! You're doing just fine. Well done. But there is this part of me that wonders if he is truly as FA with her as he was with me. Maybe their dynamic is dramatically different is how the story goes....that is just old patterns of thinking...but wanted to put it out there. And again...it truly is not my business. In my specific case, upon reflection, there is a trail of ignorant destruction. In most of the cases, she stays friends with them. But on her terms. It should have been a red flag for me that there was an ex boyfriends club. But I’m not the jealous type, and I really didn’t care. She was friends with them before we got together, so who am I. Anyhow, I never gave it a thought. She’s also the type who is friends with everyone- which disguised the avoidance. I guess I thought it was pathetic for the guys, as she never talked about them glowingly- except for one.. a few nights before the breakup. It was the last guy she had put through the ringer.. she was detaching and remembering a past love fondly (I didn’t make the connection at the time, and even having this conversation was a form of gaslighting, as the next day she can’t keep her hands off me, and it’s fucked up to tell your boyfriend stuff like that) If I hadn’t hung up the phone right afterwards (during the breakup a few days later), and disappeared, I’m fairly certain she’d want to be friends. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 27, 2019 4:44:56 GMT
I'm wishing you well too Tnr9. Its good to hear that your therapist seems to be helping so far. I'll be very interested to hear what you have to say about Somatic therapy.
That sounds like nasty stuff Dhali. And you are my personal hero..if I'd had the wits about me to do that the very first time I suspected abuse and got stonewalled I'd have avoided a lot of pain.
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You know I always say, you got this! Attachment traumas does get passed down generation to generation. Shes digging into the past to see the now. You are stopping the cycle right now doing the work, when you have children they will be secures.