As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm feeling triggered. I've met a few guys since being single. All lovely, all great company.
Mostly it's fizzled out naturally or I've just not really been that attracted to.
This one has triggered me. He cancelled one date but apologised, gave plenty of notice and had a solid reason. He's not a big texter and I am. Otherwise he's been open, warm and available.
Old me would have been triggered and thought this must mean he's the one! New me thinks cut him off, run, stay away. Neither is healthy.
Looking for some views...why do some men trigger me when others don't? Does being triggered by him mean I should stay away? Is cancelling a date and not being much of a texter between dates mean he's not into me?
hannah99, often triggers happen because the person reminds you of someone or something or some feeling from earlier in your life, and whatever you're being reminded of is unresolved. So your nervous system is overwhelmed and sees an opportunity to maybe fix what happened before by playing things out differently / better with this familiar situation but new person. It's on a more instinctual level and not always obvious, even may just feel like attraction and sparks (or shut down avoidance to protect yourself from feeling some way), so you may need to sit with it and really think about what's triggering you (the questions anne asked).
As an example, a poster on this board used to chase unavailable men. It turned out, her father had left her and her mom (and maybe full siblings? I don't quite remember), and had a second family. So she perceived she was constantly rejected by her dad in favor of her half-siblings and wanted someone challenging to choose her. If she could win over a man's love who hadn't initially chosen her, it could help her heal from her father's perceived rejection in favor of other "better" children (who I'm sure were neither better nor treated very well by their father, even if he was physically present for them and not for the poster). But, she really hoped it would prove she had value that she hadn't believed she had due to the painful and repetitive childhood rejection.
I don't know your background, but you may be attracted to inconsistency because it feels familiar. The question might be, how did similar inconsistency earlier in your life truly make you feel as a child, and what unfulfilled need are you trying to get filled by men who trigger you now?
hannah99, personally, on the deepest and simplest level, my attraction to avoidants who would trigger me was always about triggering my fear of abandonment. And that was from extended family members who were only capable of providing a form of very conditional "love," if any at all, due to personality disorders. Didn't matter what I did as a child, made me wonder what was wrong with me (and with the other family members who received and were hurting over the same treatment from them) and how to be "better."
I'm just consciously anxious he doesn't like me and am worried all the time.
You are not writing about what happend and you are not answering my questions. Did you setup a new date ? How many times have you met until now ? Are you triggered "just" because he canceled one date ?
A man who is acting respectfull, is warm and have had a good reason to cancel your date could be worth further investigation.
You can be in doubt when the other person becomes available ? How can you know yet if this guy is available or not available to you yet ?
Recieving love With a partner Who is available, warm ect. can be triggering for the ambivalent - thats when the fear of abandonment comes up. And you will get challenged in your cabebilitty to stay precent when you receive love. You can then end it before it even begins.
Look in the dating thread in the general forum - there are some exercises and tips for the ambivalent.
If you are interested after 1st date: Send a text message: "Hi xxx, I really enjoyed your company and I am looking forward to getting to know you better." Make it short, No questions but come up with a statement. The other can't say no to a statement. When you make a statement, the other one cannot reject you. Then you do not feel rejected if the other is not interested.
If the other does not respond quickly, it may be difficult for the ambivalent or disorganized to wait. Give IT time. At least one week. There can be many reasons why the other one does not respond immediately.
If there is no answer after 1 week, close the contact. Write or call: "Since I haven't heard from you, I expect you are not interested in meeting again. Good luck finding a partner." Otherwide the energy is hanging in the air. Then you get the energy back to you. Then the other can also return to you if the person has a good reason for not responding ealier. Even if you are a woman, you can send a message, as it is just a statement. If you are ambivalent, only send the message, if you can wait up to a week before getting and answar back. The ambivalent can have a pattern to reash out, reach out and reach out again and again to get back in contact. From the time you sent a message, your nervous system may be activated until you receive a message back. This also applies if you have disorganized affiliation . so Be aware of this.
A man who is acting respectfull and have had a good reason to cancel your date could be worth further investigation.
Yes, my personal gauge for this is did he cancel for a good-sounding reason in a respectful amount of time prior to the date (didn't stand me up / wait until I was all ready to go or in transit), and did he immediately try to reschedule?
I've had to cancel when really sick, and always will at least try to give a time frame for when I think we can reschedule. Or will give a heads up a day or two in advance if I think something might come up to interfere, such as work. If it's really unexpected and last minute, I'll directly offer other times that work for me on the spot. (But I'm also a really conscientious person and relatively organized, not everyone is that way.)
Hannah I agree with Alexandra, in that guys who match our `childhood love imprints' can send off the most chemistry signals. Might be connected to your mother, since caregivers with mental health issues can cause little kids the most anxiety. Might just be connected to bad previous experienced combined with not knowing him well yet too?
I liked what Anne said about communicating in a way that allows you to hold onto your energy. Letting an ambivalent situation drag on and getting stuffed around hurts. I agree with what Anne suggested.... waiting a week or more, then making a `I really like you, I'd to see you again' type statement. Any time within a month of last contact seems reasonable in my experiences. I once dated a great guy who didn't get back to me for four weeks because his Mum died, so you can't always assume the worst. Then if they don't reply in a week, let them know you've assumed lack of interest. Done.
Additionally, I think its reasonable to ask some basic `expectation setting' questions early on.. are `we' dating multiple people, what are you looking for (casual, hookups, possible relationship), or whatever else you need to know to set your expectations correctly.
I don't think I'm ready to date. I messaged him yesterday to ask how he was doing and he didnt reply. My mind seems to flip flop between being scared he isn't interested and wanting to run and being calm and relaxed. Just because I didnt get triggered by the other guys doesnt mean I'm secure. Although there is improvement, I haven't acted out in my usual ap ways, I'm not ready.