Post by shiningbright on Oct 11, 2019 17:31:40 GMT
I'm new to this forum. I watched a video about the dismissive avoidant attachment style. One thing that really stood out for me of this video was the following. I have copied and pasted.
The most common deactivation for a dismissive avoidant is to pull away when things get too serious. One minute you are in love and happy and then the next minute a dismissive is pulling away. Pulling back not calling as much. It's nothing personal. It's too keep distance between you and them. Because they don't want to be vulnerable. The sad part is, the dismissive does this to people who are most important to them. So if a person doesn't matter that much, then that person will have a fairly normal relationship with the dismissive. But if you are a person dating a dismissive and you are actually important to them and they actually feel emotionally connected to you, you are going to be the person they push away.
I wanted to know your views on why would an avoidant push away those who are important or they feel emotionally connected with? But if a person doesn't matter that much, then that person will have a fairly normal relationship with the dismissive.
Intimacy is overwhelming for the avoidant. It triggers their need for space and self-reliance, safe walls they have erected over the years to keep pain away. Distancing is a defense mechanism that worked well for them at one time. Love and intimacy are a great risk. The closer they are the greater the risk. Usually around the 4-6 month mark one’s attachment style enters and interferes with the relationship. Although a DA may desire a close relationship, pushing it away may feel more comfortable.
Rely on oneself. Trust no one fully and let no one else down. Relationships are hard work- I do better alone...this is often their narrative.
I’m not DA, only experienced a relationship with one for 2.5 years and studied attachment. You could read many strands on the DA posts where they describe deactivating in great detail. Members Juniper, Sherry and other posters. That should give you good insight into how and what they are experiencing.
faithopelove I do not recall what thread it was that I shared my recent insight into this with you, when i first came back here. OP, it might help you understand at least from my perspective but I don't know if it's like that for all dismissives? It's kind of a new awareness for me so I don't know what to think of it all I'm kind of on a fast train to destination unknown ATM.