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Post by lettriciagoalready on Oct 26, 2019 17:56:19 GMT
Hi all I just found this board and Jeb's discussion of the topic of the phantom ex. I'm a female married to a male DA and I guess also married to his phantom ex Tricia for 5 years. I wont bore you with the tales of woe related to her - its probably all classic stuff. Where I am at now is that I am not sure how much longer I can stand the responsibility he throws on me for his decisions to maintain whatever bond he has with her - he throws spontaneous full on rage fits about me "spying" (I don't , seriously have no desire to see that woman's shadow in our home any more than I already have) when the real issue is that he sneaks around either with her for real or as an internet shadow and is lazy about covering his tracks and expects to maintain an emperors new clothes false calm (i dont want to admit that I know that you know what i did) in our house and its slowly killing me. I feel so uncertain - I don't really trust that he is there for me and sometimes I feel like I am living a lie. It's hard.
I thought if I gave it time her shadow would lose its luster but facebook and linked in are not helping - I originally said I'd give it a year and I am 2.5 years in as of now and we can never talk about it without him going purple with rage and contempt. I get that everyone has a past no issue with that but why is she still here today as a super dangerous secret is my problem. I don't get why its so hard.
And so my question is this - does anyone have a strategy for opening meaningful dialog that actually sparks progress away from the ghosts and their naked selfies and awesome facebook pages? Thanks a ton for reading!
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2019 18:57:46 GMT
This actually made me angry for you! Your partner is still in love with an ex and lingering at their naked selfies and FB page? That would be completely unacceptable to me. I would communicate that and leave- no trying to put it nicely. You can’t be in a successful relationship when one partner is still in love, idolizing and chasing an ex. And this would have nothing to do with attachment or what their attachment style is- it is just as damaging and unacceptable to me without bringing attachment into the conversation. Attachment is no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. Put your foot down and let him live with his choice. What marriage do you really have while he’s sneaking off with another?
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Post by dhali on Oct 26, 2019 19:07:08 GMT
I’m at a loss why anyone would put up with this behavior. What you described is far from a healthy relationship. Why are you settling for this person? The answer to that question is something you’ll have to face eventually. The sooner the better. You don’t get time back.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 19:08:06 GMT
Your partner is still in love with an ex and lingering at their naked selfies and FB page? That would be completely unacceptable to me. I would communicate that and leave if it continued. You can’t be in a successful relationship when one partner is still in love, idolizing and chasing an ex. And this would have nothing to do with attachment or what their attachment style is- it is just as damaging and unacceptable to me without bringing attachment into the conversation. Attachment is no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. Put your foot down and let him live with his choice. What marriage do you really have while he’s sneaking off with another? Right, I don't see a "phantom" ex I see an ongoing relationship, which has become an abusive love triangle. This is simple infidelity, no phantoms here only real life playas. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2019 21:20:26 GMT
Your partner is still in love with an ex and lingering at their naked selfies and FB page? That would be completely unacceptable to me. I would communicate that and leave if it continued. You can’t be in a successful relationship when one partner is still in love, idolizing and chasing an ex. And this would have nothing to do with attachment or what their attachment style is- it is just as damaging and unacceptable to me without bringing attachment into the conversation. Attachment is no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. Put your foot down and let him live with his choice. What marriage do you really have while he’s sneaking off with another? Right, I don't see a "phantom" ex I see an ongoing relationship, which has become an abusive love triangle. This is simple infidelity, no phantoms here only real life playas. @inmourning - Exactly!!! |
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Post by stu on Oct 29, 2019 9:28:14 GMT
Yeah definitely leave this dude. He gets defensive and aggressive when you even try and have a conversation about it? That's insane and this person does not deserve you at all. Leave him and let him find out how miserable he's going to be when reality smacks him in the face and there's no one there to support him or to lean on.
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