First time post Confused and looking for advice/help/closure

Hey everyone. Would you believe it - days after I posted this - she came out to the same street of bars I visit and 'bumped into me'. Well actually she sat in a cab with her friends watching me leave a bar and then followed me to my cab before calling out and asking if we could chat. I initially said no and then agreed to chat. 2 hours later and she's trying to kiss me and tell me she misses me. I staryed strong and said I had moved on. She texted the next day to say nice to see you and sorry if she ruined my night. Then she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I haven't 'read' these messages and haven't replied but it's not me who feels guilty. Should I? Or is this classic nothing behaviour designed to reel me back in? Bit lost and grateful for your input

Thanks again!

Interesting point on the weak sense of stable consistent identity , on top of the ambivilence of mind. I noticed this trait with a BPD ex, and with recent behavior of the ex fa I noticed some striking similarities between the two. Now bpd and Fa attachment are by no means the same thing at all. But they both seem to have some common things going on like issues with object constancy, weak sense of self, ambivalent feelings, fear of abandonment , engulfment, and intimacy all together.

To the OP I double what Alexandra mentioned it's spot on. She's not doing any of this consciously she's just very confused and not in a place to be in a healthy reciprocal relationship. It's sad because you can tell it's not their fault and they aren't trying to string you along or manipulate you. There's empathy for it and a feeling of wanting to help. Sadly though until they can fully acknoweldge their issues and work through it for themselves it will just repeat itself infintium.

It depends where they are in their process and how painful it is for them. There's a better chance statistically that they'll blame everyone else and stay on repeat if they have a history of deep avoidance. If other stuff is going on in their lives and they're at a pain breaking point that makes them serious about change, it's possible, but if/when it happens it will have very little if anything to do with you.

I have a previously FA friend who started therapy 5 years ago and loves it and doesn't know why he didn't start sooner. Almost every woman he dated told him to go to therapy and tried to help him, he listened to none of them. I asked if, in retrospect, did he feel any had properly identified the problem and if that helped push him to get help. He said no, not at all. He started making changes after his most toxic, very long term on and off situation blew up totally, but it only even got to that point because he'd started self evaluating on his own and had finally gotten to a point that he was capable of not having one foot out all the time (that took years and years in itself). However, he'd underestimated how much he'd chosen a bad partner who was equally dysfunctional and a full half of the toxic dynamic, so what he did didn't matter for their relationship. Lucky thing, too... she's awful.