No Contact but still Trauma Bonded

Yes. Inconsistency plus intense emotions can do this.

@janedoe yes. but "inconsistency" can mean a lot of different things.

Thats excellent Alexandra, thanks for the link! I believe that Trauma bonds can occur with FA and DA partners too. The pattern of intense loving honeymoon, followed by a sudden discard, then intermittent reinforcement is classic for inducing Pavlovian desperation and anxiety.

I've felt so chilled reading that this is also a standard sex trafficking technique used by romeo pimps to bend women into the sex trade. They use exactly the same technique!. It really made me see how serious it is to be involved in this dynamic.

Seeing this as trauma bond is helpful for me personally. It makes me realize how challenging it is to break the bond, and be prepared for all the denial and mental tricks my mind plays to keep me in it.

Its also good to acknowledge that it leaves me vulnerable to repeat the pattern with someone else who violates my boundaries. I'm trying to be very careful to spend time with good friends I trust ATM.

it can be emotional abuse, and it IS abusive, even if it is coming from a place of unawareness/unintention. And it's definitely possible to have trauma bonds from DA/FA - i have. Alot of my "healing" came from understanding trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement while reading narc literature, even though I do not think my exes were narcs, just insecure attachments. I think it is also possible from APs, but I don't have a clear understanding of how that process is. my ex who is DA said his ex wife was probably bipolar, and he felt very emotionally abused by her, so there's probably alot of trauma bonding there too. 

inconsistency is KEY to trauma bonding in my opinion, particularly when it's extreme highs/lows. When things are fantastic and they aren't consistently so, that's where the bonding comes because you keep on seeking that high that you once used to have. I think it's possible even when said partner didn't treat you well in the first place, and the relationship was so so, but inconsistently was good to you, it also creates a dynamic that hooks you in. I do think that when there's extreme highs/lows, the more extreme hormonal reactions create a stronger trauma bond than when the high/lows aren't that huge. Psychologically, definitely hooked when positive feedback is provided inconsistently and also randomly. 

The pain of stonewalling felt the worse when I was in love as well, shiningstar <3 With my ex, I experienced it once right after the honeymoon period, 5 months in? We'd had a stable consistent friendship before we committed to a realtionship as well, so the sudden stonewall had a major effect. He explained to me a week later that he was deactivating, it wasn't anything to do with me and he didn't want to split up. He asked me in a very vulnerable way to be patient with him, and he tried to make basic contact with me most days during that time, even when he was in that state. I didn't consider it abuse, because there was no established pattern yet, and didn't seem to be about control? 

The second time he stonewalled came 15 months in, and I ended the relationship after 2 weeks of it. I don't have any tolerance for it, and by that point he knew how hurtful it was to me. I consider it abuse when the other person is aware of the effect, and is using stonewalling to control the outcome of a conflict, instead of negotiating. I felt that was what he was doing.(I admit I also felt the conflict in our relationship was unresolvable, even if we got passed the stonewalling)

I've come across people in the workplace who use silent treatments and stonewalling to ``communicate''. They were regarded as problem employees, and were chronically overlooked for promotion or asked to leave. It really has no place in an organisation that relies on good communication between people to function and succeed.