Post by cukie on Nov 13, 2019 1:02:31 GMT
Hey All,
In hindsight I’m under the impression that my ex was a DA. I’ve read through these forums and other sources and they describe a lot of their behaviors (difficulty with intimacy, long periods of disconnecting despite seemingly no issue in the relationship, great difficulty talking about emotional matters).
We met 4 years ago - at the time I didn’t know a whole lot about attachment theory, and I just assumed all of these behaviors were things that she’d “grow out of” as we got closer together. Now I realize that was a stupid-as-hell position to take. I had this set of expectations as to what the relationship should have become, and I kept pushing the relationship towards them without realizing her need for space, independence, and a lack of co dependence.
As the relationship aged, I became more and more silently frustrated with her inability to meet my needs but simultaneously didn’t really communicate them well or understand her needs enough to meet her in the middle. Especially over the last year or so we were together, we definitely fell into the anxious avoidant trap that left us both a bit resentful.
When if finally ended, we briefly decided to work out things. Ultimately though, my strategy was to try and spend more time together to reignite a spark, and it briefly worked well, but she pulled back for her space and I pursued hard instead of giving it to her. It led to a couple of arguments and ultimately the end of the relationship. It was fairly amicable, though there was obviously frustration on both sides.
At the time, I didn’t realize how important space is for some people. My other relationships were always standard A-B-C types and I guess it never occurred to me that someone might need something entirely different.
Ultimately we dated for four years, most of which was good but there was definitely that push and pull you get with an AP and DA. By the end I was letting my anxiety control me and I sought a degree of co-dependence that definitely triggered her avoidance.
It's been about 4 months since then I’ve been fine and getting along fairly well in life. I’ve done a mountain of introspection and I’m comfortable with the place I’ve arrived at. I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely over things but I’m in a much better place now.
Typically that would be the end of it, but we briefly met with my friend group the other day and talked and we got along pretty well. I felt that same connection I did before and during the relationship. We haven’t talked at all other than that ever since we broke up.
It opened me up to the idea of pursuing things again, but I don’t really know how to go about that. Obviously just dropping an emotional letter on her porch and saying “look at everything I’ve realized and what I’ve fixed!” is the opposite of what would work here. I guess I don’t know how I would thread that needle of indicating interest but not shutting her down again.
I think I’ve learned a lot about our dynamic and I'm doing the best I can to understand and work through my own role in it, but I have no idea how I’d convey that. I also know DA’s don’t have a tendency to reach out again and why friends are all telling me its not worth it. I’m just at a loss if it's even possible to try to reconnect again.
Ultimately I'll survive either way, but if its possible its something that I'd like to attempt.
Do any DA’s have any advise as to what type of communication they’d be receptive to? Or is this just a waste of time?
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this novel of a post, thanks a lot!
In hindsight I’m under the impression that my ex was a DA. I’ve read through these forums and other sources and they describe a lot of their behaviors (difficulty with intimacy, long periods of disconnecting despite seemingly no issue in the relationship, great difficulty talking about emotional matters).
We met 4 years ago - at the time I didn’t know a whole lot about attachment theory, and I just assumed all of these behaviors were things that she’d “grow out of” as we got closer together. Now I realize that was a stupid-as-hell position to take. I had this set of expectations as to what the relationship should have become, and I kept pushing the relationship towards them without realizing her need for space, independence, and a lack of co dependence.
As the relationship aged, I became more and more silently frustrated with her inability to meet my needs but simultaneously didn’t really communicate them well or understand her needs enough to meet her in the middle. Especially over the last year or so we were together, we definitely fell into the anxious avoidant trap that left us both a bit resentful.
When if finally ended, we briefly decided to work out things. Ultimately though, my strategy was to try and spend more time together to reignite a spark, and it briefly worked well, but she pulled back for her space and I pursued hard instead of giving it to her. It led to a couple of arguments and ultimately the end of the relationship. It was fairly amicable, though there was obviously frustration on both sides.
At the time, I didn’t realize how important space is for some people. My other relationships were always standard A-B-C types and I guess it never occurred to me that someone might need something entirely different.
Ultimately we dated for four years, most of which was good but there was definitely that push and pull you get with an AP and DA. By the end I was letting my anxiety control me and I sought a degree of co-dependence that definitely triggered her avoidance.
It's been about 4 months since then I’ve been fine and getting along fairly well in life. I’ve done a mountain of introspection and I’m comfortable with the place I’ve arrived at. I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely over things but I’m in a much better place now.
Typically that would be the end of it, but we briefly met with my friend group the other day and talked and we got along pretty well. I felt that same connection I did before and during the relationship. We haven’t talked at all other than that ever since we broke up.
It opened me up to the idea of pursuing things again, but I don’t really know how to go about that. Obviously just dropping an emotional letter on her porch and saying “look at everything I’ve realized and what I’ve fixed!” is the opposite of what would work here. I guess I don’t know how I would thread that needle of indicating interest but not shutting her down again.
I think I’ve learned a lot about our dynamic and I'm doing the best I can to understand and work through my own role in it, but I have no idea how I’d convey that. I also know DA’s don’t have a tendency to reach out again and why friends are all telling me its not worth it. I’m just at a loss if it's even possible to try to reconnect again.
Ultimately I'll survive either way, but if its possible its something that I'd like to attempt.
Do any DA’s have any advise as to what type of communication they’d be receptive to? Or is this just a waste of time?
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this novel of a post, thanks a lot!
