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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 15, 2019 21:28:49 GMT
Hello everyone!
I have been trying to stay so busy and haven't been on here. I am still doing EMDR weekly, and have improved but I a still having intrusive and obsessive thoughts about J. I am so so so tired of this. I just want peace. My therapist suggested I go to a treatment center in Florida for 30 days to focus on trauma. I am hesitant because I hate to be away from my family during the holidays.
I stayed no contact for about 4 months. He was orbiting my social media and so I got weak and sent a message. He says he misses me as a friend only and wanted to see what I was up to, that is why he was looking at all my social media stories. I had them on public and didn't catch it. He had been doing it for about a month. He says he is very happy with his new lady. THEY HAVE MOVED IN TOGETHER. 4 MONTHS! It took me 6 months to even spend the niht with him! I do not understand this AT ALL. They are getting engaged as well.
From what I understand she is really into him, so I don't think she is triggering his anxious (he is FA). So I am just at a loss.
4 months.
Has this happened to anyone with an FA or any fellow FA's moved in so fast?
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Post by serenity on Nov 15, 2019 22:19:02 GMT
Hey Violets!
Good to see you.
My take on your guy is he's triggered anxious by her work type.. working in a bar around drunk men hitting on her constantly. She may be gamey enough to deliberately triangulate him with other men (or it may just happen naturally as part of the job). This will all end of course if she gets pregnant and leaves her job.
I used to be around hospitality workers a lot, and I've known a lot of men to leave partners and wives for bar girls, based on that artificial dynamic.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 16, 2019 1:26:14 GMT
kisstheviolets Sorry you are going through this. Yes, someone FA can rush into things with someone, and from the outside you might not understand why. It's not as simple as FAs only being able to get over their avoidance by being triggered anxious by someone who is acting more avoidant than them. That's an oversimplification. People can certainly still be triggered anxious by someone who is "really into" them, or their avoidant side may just not come out in the early days of some relationships, when hormones are heightened. Try not to wonder why he's moving fast with this girl and didn't with you. It's nothing to do with your worth. There could be a million factors at play. I'm FA and I rushed into things with my most recent partner, and didn't with the last few people I dated before him. For me it was mainly because I was purposely trying to open myself up and not act avoidant, and because he wanted to rush in, and it felt great feeling so wanted. And I have triggered someone who I believe to be FA very anxious when I was not acting avoidant, I think it might be mainly because I have many male friends (this would support serenity 's above theory). Honestly I am a big proponent of completely removing exes who trigger you horribly anxious from your life. I don't know if you're looking for advice, but that's what I'd do personally, tell him I don't want to be friends, remove him from social media and make my social media private (or better yet, delete social media completely). It's like an addiction, and cold turkey is the best way to quit one's ex. Eventually your nervous system will calm down if you aren't constantly seeing them watching your Instagram stories and wondering what it means. I promise. Proper no contact really helps.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 16, 2019 4:58:04 GMT
Hello everyone! I have been trying to stay so busy and haven't been on here. I am still doing EMDR weekly, and have improved but I a still having intrusive and obsessive thoughts about J. I am so so so tired of this. I just want peace. My therapist suggested I go to a treatment center in Florida for 30 days to focus on trauma. I am hesitant because I hate to be away from my family during the holidays. I stayed no contact for about 4 months. He was orbiting my social media and so I got weak and sent a message. He says he misses me as a friend only and wanted to see what I was up to, that is why he was looking at all my social media stories. I had them on public and didn't catch it. He had been doing it for about a month. He says he is very happy with his new lady. THEY HAVE MOVED IN TOGETHER. 4 MONTHS! It took me 6 months to even spend the niht with him! I do not understand this AT ALL. They are getting engaged as well. From what I understand she is really into him, so I don't think she is triggering his anxious (he is FA). So I am just at a loss. 4 months. Has this happened to anyone with an FA or any fellow FA's moved in so fast? ::Raises hand:: I don’t know if you have read any of my more recent posts...but B moved a lot faster with his current gf then he did with me....I don’t want to repeat all of it...you can go through my posts and find those details. I think what is critical is to not compare....which is a lot easier said then done. You (and I frankly) do not really know what is going on behind the scenes. I actually defriended B almost 3 months ago and although it has been painful to have no contact with him...I do believe it is the best course of action for me until I find my footing again. I am doing somatic experiencing therapy and it is working....as in 1 step forward and 2 steps back....but the 1 step is important and I feel I am learning so much about myself. Have you considered taking a sabbatical from social media? A few years ago, I took an entire year off of TV. Sometimes small breaks are what we need to reset our thoughts. Just an idea. Good luck. 💕💕 |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2019 5:21:54 GMT
I don’t know about your FA question but I do know if I had thoughts and feelings for an ex who had moved on and is engaged to someone else and only wants to be my friend, I’d remove all forms of contact with him from my life, including social media. It will prolong your obtrusive thoughts and rumination if you’re seeing reminders of him pop up when you’re online.
You’re sabotaging your ability to get over him by remaining in his life- even if only in cyberspace. Cut all cords, give it a couple months, and allow yourself the chance the heal and recover. It’s very possible to get over him - you just have to safeguard yourself.
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Post by iz42 on Nov 16, 2019 5:40:34 GMT
It's interesting to me that your therapist suggested a treatment center. Aside from being away from your family for the holidays, do you think that would be helpful?
My FA ex is with someone else and they are moving quickly. You can see my past posts about how she contacted me out of the blue and upset me. Anyway, they are apparently living together after 2.5 months of "official" dating. I understand the pain and the ambivalence in your post. It really does seem like for now, no contact (including social media) is best. I have been toying with the idea of being friends with my ex and thinking about what that would look like. If I decide to do that, I'm going to need a lot of time to heal first.
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Post by mrob on Nov 16, 2019 12:37:23 GMT
Question is, does his current partner know he’s in touch with you? I’d think not.
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 16, 2019 14:09:35 GMT
Unfortunately, an ex following you on social media doesn't mean anything. If they're not actively trying to get you back, they're just curious. Good for you for trying to move on, you'll get there eventually, I promise these feelings won't last forever.
And, yes, I'm in a similar boat. I unfollowed my ex FA on social media so didn't realize how quickly she'd moved on, until last weekend she walked into a bar with her new girlfriend on her arm. I recognized the woman as the one I questioned her about the night before she dumped me. We'd been out dancing and my girlfriend went off and danced with this other woman, clearly they knew each other, and I got a weird vibe and got upset. At the time, girlfriend assured me it was just a friend, there was no one else for her. Dumped me the next day.
I asked my friends who still follow her, how long has she been with that woman? Apparently,since almost immediately after we broke up. So she had someone else on deck when she dumped me, and according to my friends, she claims the new woman on social media in a way she never claimed me. She never called me "bae," rarely put up pics of the two of us together. Of course, this makes me feel like crap, she wouldn't even call me her girlfriend for the longest time.
She was not in a relationship for 5 years before I came along, then gets into something immediately after? I kind of think I changed her association with relationships. Made her learn that they can be comfortable, happy places.
I'd also guess her new relationship has an expiration date. People don't change overnight, FA is FA, and I doubt she's done the work on herself that will allow her to stay once the honeymoon phase is over.
Keep working on yourself and your own healing, you (and I) will be ok!
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 16, 2019 16:36:49 GMT
I cut Everything, I have to, to heal. Even as a secure I cannot see their social media. I know it would bother me, don’t poke the bear! Frankly I dumped it all for many reasons and it’s so freeing.
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Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2019 18:25:57 GMT
In answer to your question, is this ever going to stop.
There is a very good reason your therapist has suggested you focus on your trauma, instead of on what he is or isn't doing. All of this speculation about him is useless to your healing from trauma
This stops when you make healing your trauma a priority, and stop letting distractions and insecure patterns in yourself take over.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:32:57 GMT
I want to take a minute to thank everyone for taking the time to share advice and thoughts. I am going to carefully look at them all. It’s so nice to have a place to go where people care and understand.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:35:52 GMT
Hey Violets! Good to see you. My take on your guy is he's triggered anxious by her work type.. working in a bar around drunk men hitting on her constantly. She may be gamey enough to deliberately triangulate him with other men (or it may just happen naturally as part of the job). This will all end of course if she gets pregnant and leaves her job. I used to be around hospitality workers a lot, and I've known a lot of men to leave partners and wives for bar girls, based on that artificial dynamic. Oh my sweet Serenity❤️ I hope to catch up on your posts this weekend. I have wondered how you have been:) I absolutely had a lightbulb moment at your observation that her being a younger bartender plays a factor into his anxious coming to play. I did an outline of this history for the past 10 years. I may post it. If I do I would love you assessment❤️ |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:38:24 GMT
kisstheviolets Sorry you are going through this. Yes, someone FA can rush into things with someone, and from the outside you might not understand why. It's not as simple as FAs only being able to get over their avoidance by being triggered anxious by someone who is acting more avoidant than them. That's an oversimplification. People can certainly still be triggered anxious by someone who is "really into" them, or their avoidant side may just not come out in the early days of some relationships, when hormones are heightened. Try not to wonder why he's moving fast with this girl and didn't with you. It's nothing to do with your worth. There could be a million factors at play. I'm FA and I rushed into things with my most recent partner, and didn't with the last few people I dated before him. For me it was mainly because I was purposely trying to open myself up and not act avoidant, and because he wanted to rush in, and it felt great feeling so wanted. And I have triggered someone who I believe to be FA very anxious when I was not acting avoidant, I think it might be mainly because I have many male friends (this would support serenity 's above theory). Honestly I am a big proponent of completely removing exes who trigger you horribly anxious from your life. I don't know if you're looking for advice, but that's what I'd do personally, tell him I don't want to be friends, remove him from social media and make my social media private (or better yet, delete social media completely). It's like an addiction, and cold turkey is the best way to quit one's ex. Eventually your nervous system will calm down if you aren't constantly seeing them watching your Instagram stories and wondering what it means. I promise. Proper no contact really helps. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. No contact and removal began today. I honestly don’t think I can be friends with this man after what he did. May I ask how this approach with your current partner worked out? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:41:18 GMT
Hello everyone! I have been trying to stay so busy and haven't been on here. I am still doing EMDR weekly, and have improved but I a still having intrusive and obsessive thoughts about J. I am so so so tired of this. I just want peace. My therapist suggested I go to a treatment center in Florida for 30 days to focus on trauma. I am hesitant because I hate to be away from my family during the holidays. I stayed no contact for about 4 months. He was orbiting my social media and so I got weak and sent a message. He says he misses me as a friend only and wanted to see what I was up to, that is why he was looking at all my social media stories. I had them on public and didn't catch it. He had been doing it for about a month. He says he is very happy with his new lady. THEY HAVE MOVED IN TOGETHER. 4 MONTHS! It took me 6 months to even spend the niht with him! I do not understand this AT ALL. They are getting engaged as well. From what I understand she is really into him, so I don't think she is triggering his anxious (he is FA). So I am just at a loss. 4 months. Has this happened to anyone with an FA or any fellow FA's moved in so fast? ::Raises hand:: I don’t know if you have read any of my more recent posts...but B moved a lot faster with his current gf then he did with me....I don’t want to repeat all of it...you can go through my posts and find those details. I think what is critical is to not compare....which is a lot easier said then done. You (and I frankly) do not really know what is going on behind the scenes. I actually defriended B almost 3 months ago and although it has been painful to have no contact with him...I do believe it is the best course of action for me until I find my footing again. I am doing somatic experiencing therapy and it is working....as in 1 step forward and 2 steps back....but the 1 step is important and I feel I am learning so much about myself. Have you considered taking a sabbatical from social media? A few years ago, I took an entire year off of TV. Sometimes small breaks are what we need to reset our thoughts. Just an idea. Good luck. 💕💕 Hello❤️ Yes I wonder about you a lot and hope to catch up on your journey this weekend. SO much of what you share is so similar to what I think that it’s eerie almost. Tel me about somatic therapy. The hardest part I am having with J is intrusive thoughts and I am still incredibly fixated on our love making. Watching him with this new woman feels like I must have been the problem or something. It’s so surreal to me. So confusing. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:44:53 GMT
I don’t know about your FA question but I do know if I had thoughts and feelings for an ex who had moved on and is engaged to someone else and only wants to be my friend, I’d remove all forms of contact with him from my life, including social media. It will prolong your obtrusive thoughts and rumination if you’re seeing reminders of him pop up when you’re online. You’re sabotaging your ability to get over him by remaining in his life- even if only in cyberspace. Cut all cords, give it a couple months, and allow yourself the chance the heal and recover. It’s very possible to get over him - you just have to safeguard yourself. Taking this to heart and cutting him out. It’s so funny how defeated he has made me feel to throw these breadcrumbs at me. Just making sure I am still in the background. I want peace, I really do. I can’t give myself that opportunity if he still lurks. I am so weak for him. I hate it🖤 |
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