Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 18, 2019 0:02:58 GMT
I'm in a relationship with what I think is an extreme DA. I'm at the point where I am wondering if its healthier for us to separate because it is toxic for our 3mo son . I know him and his ex got along fairly well and were able to co parent for a long time until she suddenly stopped him seeing his other son . He was happy for her to be the main carer and him to just have his son overnight whenever he wanted .I'm hoping him and I can get along well and have the same arrangement or 50 / 50 . I really would like to remain friends because underneath all the fighting and issues we do have fun together but I'm scared it's going to turn into fights over custody etc . I actually think that we would probably be better as friends than lovers . I'm just wondering if any one has had similar situations and managed to get along well ? Or if any DAs could give me some insight . I'm not sure if the avoidance would make it hard to negotiate with him or not since we cant really talk about issues ? Have any DAs been happy to let a partner have majority custody? I'm mostly scared of losing my son but I know this is not a healthy dynamic
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2019 0:39:55 GMT
The DA I’m in a relationship with now- who would rather never talk to his ex-wife again, is extremely good at putting his two kids first and looking out for their best interest. Although he has disdain for his ex-wife, he is dependable, responsible and a good communicator with her- all for the sake of his kids that he loves.
He has an extremely strong sense of duty and responsibility- continuing communication with his ex goes against his grain and affects him deeply yet he’s still willing to do it. I think it depends on how committed your DA is to be an involved parent to your child. If the desire to parent is strong enough then they can put aside their natural tendencies and co-parent in a civil and fair way. It’s hard emotionally, but possible. Mine does it every day.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 18, 2019 1:10:46 GMT
Mine is like that with his older son . He is really great and loving with him and makes an effort to get along with his ex even though she did some really awful things . He is responsible financially and will put money towards things that he needs .Hes really good with our bub so he definitely loves his kids . I'm more concerned about him making up lies about me to get custody or doing shady things or becoming angry with me . I guess that sounds more like something an anxious would do though but his ex made up lies about him so he couldnt see his son and I'm scared he would do that to me as a pre emptive thing so that he doesnt have to go through that again
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2019 1:27:54 GMT
Mine is like that with his older son . He is really great and loving with him and makes an effort to get along with his ex even though she did some really awful things . He is responsible financially and will put money towards things that he needs .Hes really good with our bub so he definitely loves his kids . I'm more concerned about him making up lies about me to get custody or doing shady things or becoming angry with me . I guess that sounds more like something an anxious would do though but his ex made up lies about him so he couldnt see his son and I'm scared he would do that to me as a pre emptive thing so that he doesnt have to go through that again - I don’t see making up lies to gain custody an attachment thing. One who puts their children and best interest first will do that regardless of attach style. They will act with integrity. I’m AP and I’ve always done that for my children. I wouldn’t stoop to dishonest or unfair measures to manipulate custody. I also knew my relationship with my children would speak for itself concerning the courts. My ex-husband however did attempt to play shady games and failed rather miserably. He’s FA, but again that’s beside the point, he’s just a sorry excuse for a father. Loving one’s children and one’s romantic attachment style are mutually exclusive. If your DA’s past shows he takes the high road in dealings w his older son, then that past behavior is the best predictor for future. And if an ex decides to be shady....all you can do is maintain your integrity and be the better person. |
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 18, 2019 2:53:23 GMT
Hopefully things will work out and your right it's not about attachment style it's more about integrity which he has shown before. It's amazing to see how loving he is with kids compared to how he is with everyone else .I know him and his ex got along really well at first and he would do things like fix her computer so I'm hoping we could be like that, help each other out and maybe do things together like take little one to the zoo and stuff . I dont know if he would want to hang out it might be awkward or he might hate me but I really enjoy spending time with him and I think he is the same . We have the same sense of humor and we tease each other and have a lot of fun . Sometimes I think we would have been really good as just friends so maybe we could actually have a good healthy mutual break up if it comes to that
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Post by mrob on Nov 18, 2019 4:17:51 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 19, 2019 1:37:47 GMT
mrob - I agree, our court agreement has been a necessary part of our separation and divorce in guiding our custody and we couldn’t have done it without the past few years. And yes, I agree that the business like detached side of a DA can make for a very reliable and dependable co-parent.
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