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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 19, 2019 15:22:04 GMT
From an article by pshychologist Dan Neuharth in Psych Central: 1. Don’t chase 2. Don’t take it personally 3. Ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want 4. Reinforce positive actions 5. Offer understanding 6. Be reliable and dependable 7. Respect your differences 8. Cultivate your own interests 9. Recognize that you both may have unrealistic fantasies 10. Be mindful about how you express strong emotions to your partner 11. Give plenty of space 12. Don’t get stuck in rigid roles 13. If you have abandonment issues, face them within yourself 14. Don’t try to change or rescue your partner 15. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs 16. Set healthy boundaries 17. Recognize your partner’s limitations 18. Work towards growth Read the whole article here: blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/07/18-ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner/ |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2019 15:42:28 GMT
I think it's imperative to condition all of this advice upon being in an actual committed relationship with the partner in question, not just in pursuit of one. Until you land the actually acknowledgment that you're both on the same track with intention to have a mutual relationship, none of this matters at all.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 19, 2019 15:50:30 GMT
Really? I don't understand.
What kind of advice would you suggest for the dating phase?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2019 16:03:25 GMT
What I'm saying is that without a mutual intention even during dating, this is not helpful.
If you're dating an avoidant who doesn't have the intention to build intimacy, and who has a different intention for dating, this won't help build intimacy.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 19, 2019 17:30:21 GMT
I think many people start dating out of loneliness and a more care-free attitude ("I don't really need a partner, but I like this person and let's see what this will lead to").
Anyway, something can develop that was not in your (conscious) intention to begin with. And if you feel accepted and relaxed with the person you date, you might change your attitude along the way, and feel ready to be more intimate than you initially thought you could?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2019 18:07:37 GMT
I think many people start dating out of loneliness and a more care-free attitude ("I don't really need a partner, but I like this person and let's see what this will lead to"). Anyway, something can develop that was not in your (conscious) intention to begin with. And if you feel accepted and relaxed with the person you date, you might change your attitude along the way, and feel ready to be more intimate than you initially thought you could? That's a nice story. It still only happens if two people intend for it to. It sounds like you have an idea of how to influence an outcome with an avoidant. There are a lot of failed experiments here with this but in theory it could work. If the avoidant wants it to. I wont change that perspective personally but if you have other notions then of course go with it. I personally think a lot of people here interpret literature referring to "partner" very liberally. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 19, 2019 18:44:59 GMT
Hm, interesting. I haven't thought of it that way. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. Then it certainly is very important to address each others intentions early on.
Your perspective often add some new insights for me, @inmourning, thank you.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 19, 2019 19:34:08 GMT
I think it's imperative to condition all of this advice upon being in an actual committed relationship with the partner in question, not just in pursuit of one. Until you land the actually acknowledgment that you're both on the same track with intention to have a mutual relationship, none of this matters at all. I agree totally. Doing these things before being in an established relationship will result in better communication, less drama, getting attached slower (in a good way, as your goals aren't aligned), getting to know each other better without projected idealism (since it's slower), and eventually being able to confidently walk away with mutual understanding, respect, and head held high. But if the avoidant is emotionally unavailable and not fully aware or determined to try to commit, it won't change that. I've dated tons of avoidants while AP and acting it (full blown drama), and this past year dated as a secure. I did all the things on the list naturally as secure because I knew I was dealing with avoidants and was gauging where in the process they were. When it was more unaware without it seeming like it would grow into a committed relationship even though they liked me, having practiced what was on this list already helped make it easier and more fair to deal with and separate. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 19, 2019 20:03:38 GMT
alexandra, do you mean you would do the things on the list during dating, but only with a secure or aware avoidant person?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 19, 2019 20:15:05 GMT
alexandra, do you mean you would do the things on the list during dating, but only with a secure or aware avoidant person? No, I'm saying I just do the things on this list without thinking much about it now because they are secure things to do and I worked hard for years to earn secure. And noting that when I've gotten to know someone since I've been of a secure mindset who, as I got to know them better, was clearly of an avoidant insecure attachment style and not committed to committing in general even though they liked me and treated me like a boyfriend, following this list doesn't change that if the avoidant partner isn't ready or looking for a commitment with anyone deep inside. They need to choose to be available for that. It does make the process and communication better, and it facilitates you being able to have good boundaries, get to know the person, and learn if walking away is right. Which it is, if the avoidant person isn't making the decision to commit. These behaviors won't change that decision-making process for them / make them want you more if they're not actually looking for a committed relationship. I was in one particular situation where he liked me, he'd see me steadily, introduce me to his friends, help me with chores / day to day life stuff, and physical attraction / sex was off the charts great for both of us, yet he wanted to continue indefinitely without labels because it made him feel safe. And he said he just didn't see himself ever committing to an official relationship (he "wished" he could give me that but just "couldn't") but hoped I'd keep seeing him anyway. We spoke extensively about it and I walked though I was sad about it... his issues were with himself and his parents not me, why would I expect I could do anything to change that? |
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