Me
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Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 20, 2019 1:18:02 GMT
Does anyones DA partner constantly criticize everything you do ? It's like he thinks I'm stupid and cant do anything right . Even simple things like which bowl or knife I use or how I stack the dishwasher and I always put everything in the " wrong" place when I put it away . It's at the stage I wont cook anything if he is around and I gave up my hobby making bath bombs because I would dread it when he came in because I knew he would have something to say . Its really getting to me today . I miss living alone , it's like im a child living with a parent only my mother was never as bad as this .
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 20, 2019 3:23:56 GMT
No, I’m in a relationship w a DA and he’s very careful not to criticize although I can sometimes see him get irritable in general- he never personally attacks me or my character. His actions are measured and very logical, not emotionally driven. The actions you describe sound more like a narcissist.
This goes beyond your posted question, but do the positives outweigh the negatives w a partner like this? Why live w a person where you walk on eggshells to the extent you stop participating in one of your favorite hobbies?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 20, 2019 6:28:20 GMT
I've had this happen to me as part of deactivation in long term relationships with avoidants. I can think of 4 or 5 different guys who flipped, and suddenly everything I did was wrong. However, they were avoidants who tended towards selfishness and entitlement. Not pathological narcissists, but definitely almost always felt their own needs were more important than mine if the two were ever at odds. Less selfish avoidants didn't do this.
I've found personally that FAs have been more likely to do this than DAs (as they're projecting their own insecurities on me to regulate and feel better about themselves while pushing me away), but it's happened with both. Though after breaking up, the FAs reidealized me if they wanted to be friends after getting distance and then directly contradicted all the nitpicking. Which confirms to me that it's not about me.
The bad news is that when this happens, they really believe it's the truth of the situation and no longer see you accurately for who you are (if they ever did). It's incredibly damaging to tolerate or start to believe, so please see if you can communicate directly about this, practice self-care, and decide if you want to stick around if things stay like this always going forward.
Also, don't give up hobbies for others if they're not hurting anyone. That's indicative of a toxic dynamic.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 21, 2019 6:09:48 GMT
Thanks everyone. I have been reading a lot and now I'm wondering if this goes a bit further than him being avoidant . I havent wanted to use the word narcissist because there are some things that dont match up with the descriptions of narcissists but I'm not sure now because some things do seem to fit .I think in the past I wanted to make excuses for him because he was going through a lot at the time or hoped that things would change . I'm trying to take good care of myself and I've been looking at possibly leaving . We live together so I've been thinking about housing etc it's just hard for me to take that step
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 21, 2019 16:06:05 GMT
Me Someone can be high in narcissistic traits without having enough to meet the criteria for full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. I’m usually the person on here telling people that they are too quick to label someone as a narcissist, but in this case, reading your post, his behavior automatically sounded narcissistic to me.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 21, 2019 22:07:03 GMT
Theres a lot of things that seem that way . He gaslights me and accuses me of being too sensitive , he completely refuses to speak when I bring up an issue. Another example is I had a car accident and now I'm a nervous driver and he doesnt drive so I take him places but he will be angry at me for parking in the wrong spot even at the point I had a panic attack because he made me do something I wasnt comfortable with and he laughed at me . He is really arrogant at times and I know he has assaulted people in his job and he thinks it's amusing . Theres so many little things I've over looked and now I'm putting them all together I'm starting to realise he might just be abusive and possibly a narcissist like everyone is saying and not a DA after all . It's good to talk about it because hearing other opinions makes me feel like I'm not overreacting
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Post by alexandra on Nov 21, 2019 22:12:38 GMT
I know he has assaulted people in his job and he thinks it's amusing. I wasn't making judgements about him being a narcissist one way or the other, though he sounds selfish, but if this is the case then take it VERY seriously. That is not normal nor attachment-related, and nothing to mess around with. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 21, 2019 22:15:53 GMT
Also if you do leave, make sure you tell other people you know IRL what's going on and be careful, as he could retaliate. Not to scare you, just to be prudent, you may want to check resources about how to safely leave a potentially abusive situation.
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Nov 21, 2019 22:27:52 GMT
Thankyou I do have family who are aware and I've spoken to a support worker who has given me info about services that are available
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 22, 2019 7:18:28 GMT
Me I hope you can get out while you still can. People like that take prisoners not partners. My narcissist ex punched a coworker on two occasions (that he told me about, while we were together). It’s a bad sign. You don’t deserve his belittling treatment. Your partner shouldn’t make you feel small, terrified to even cook in front of him.
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