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Post by annieb on Nov 26, 2019 17:59:13 GMT
I am a FA female. Recently broken up with another DA male. This relationship only lasted a year. I don't think I have ever been in a healthy relationship ever. I am in therapy once a week now since the breakup in August and I am making progress. I was in therapy once before about five years ago, but quit. I wish I never quit that time. I feel like I am making steady progress, when I am in therapy. I sometimes think that it's enough to read the blogs and watch videos, but it's not enough. I have created so much unnecessary trauma for myself perpetuating bad relationships in addition to any childhood stuff I have to deal with. For any of you in recovery from disordered attachment, do you find you stay in therapy indefinitely? This may be how my life will be.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2019 1:32:09 GMT
annieb, good on you for starting therapy again and taking it seriously! I know one FA in therapy, and that person has been in therapy for 10 years. They are doing better for sure, but have not earned secure nor have any plans to stop therapy. However, they also didn't know about attachment styles until maybe two years ago, so the focus hasn't been on working through the issues from that perspective. My understanding is, the therapy is going to provide you with the opportunity to do three things: 1. heal the trauma that caused the attachment issues (however that looks to you, your therapist, and your style -- some people here are doing talk therapy, some somatic and feeling it more in the body than rehashing in words, etc.), 2. help teach you better / healthier tools to navigate your emotional landscape and life in general, and 3. provide you with a consistent and eventually secure attachment figure (your therapist) to help safely set that example in your life and give you a framework for a reliable [non-romantic] relationship with someone. It's hard to predict how long it will take to accomplish these, if you want to look at it in this list way, because everyone's process is their own and shouldn't be rushed or pressured. But in theory, you don't need to have the expectation you'll be doing it forever and ever unless you want to. Assuming your attachment issues aren't comorbid with other conditions that need chronic lifelong treatment (for example, bipolar disorder). People who find therapy really works for them like to continue going even when they feel more sorted out. Some like the release of the sessions, some like getting a tune up to stay healthy and even-keeled even in lower stress time, there's lots of different reasons to choose that. I'm not sure if you're asking the question out of curiosity, because it seems daunting in some way, to set expectations for yourself? But if it's because you're pressuring yourself at all, there's no need to skip ahead so far yet. Personally, I was AP not FA, but I found part of my healing was to stop living too far ahead or too far back and get more present. That makes managing expectations far easier for an anxious-leaning insecurely attached person.
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Post by annieb on Nov 27, 2019 1:47:42 GMT
annieb , good on you for starting therapy again and taking it seriously! I know one FA in therapy, and that person has been in therapy for 10 years. They are doing better for sure, but have not earned secure nor have any plans to stop therapy. However, they also didn't know about attachment styles until maybe two years ago, so the focus hasn't been on working through the issues from that perspective. My understanding is, the therapy is going to provide you with the opportunity to do three things: 1. heal the trauma that caused the attachment issues (however that looks to you, your therapist, and your style -- some people here are doing talk therapy, some somatic and feeling it more in the body than rehashing in words, etc.), 2. help teach you better / healthier tools to navigate your emotional landscape and life in general, and 3. provide you with a consistent and eventually secure attachment figure (your therapist) to help safely set that example in your life and give you a framework for a reliable [non-romantic] relationship with someone. It's hard to predict how long it will take to accomplish these, if you want to look at it in this list way, because everyone's process is their own and shouldn't be rushed or pressured. But in theory, you don't need to have the expectation you'll be doing it forever and ever unless you want to. Assuming your attachment issues aren't comorbid with other conditions that need chronic lifelong treatment (for example, bipolar disorder). People who find therapy really works for them like to continue going even when they feel more sorted out. Some like the release of the sessions, some like getting a tune up to stay healthy and even-keeled even in lower stress time, there's lots of different reasons to choose that. I'm not sure if you're asking the question out of curiosity, because it seems daunting in some way, to set expectations for yourself? But if it's because you're pressuring yourself at all, there's no need to skip ahead so far yet. Personally, I was AP not FA, but I found part of my healing was to stop living too far ahead or too far back and get more present. That makes managing expectations far easier for an anxious-leaning insecurely attached person. Thank you for your message. I'm mostly just pondering, but you are right that living more in the present moment is what I am hoping to achieve, and I do feel more in the present moment, when I am in therapy. It elevates my well being in such a way that I have a space and time to work on the things that need working on. It's funny I have taken the Psychology Today attachment style quiz several times and I just took it again and it came in as "Secure". When I was in therapy last time and I took it, it came in as "secure" also. I am very pleased that I am able to be in therapy and it really has improved my life so much. |
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 4:52:34 GMT
I have AP attachment getting secure. I have done so much therapy it’s ridiculous, for about 17 years. However I think talk therapy only takes you so far,you have to work on the emotional/ body based feelings and sensations that get stuck and suppressed from traum, that’s where the real healing brings. Anything somatic based will help. I’ve done breathwork and bodywork which helped immensely and recently psychedelic therapy which is very promising in terms of is results, lots of new research about it . I had an extremely abusive borderline personality mother and have come a LONG way from where I used to be...so I know healing is very possible, but it takes a long time and lots of support and use of different modalities.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 4:52:48 GMT
I have AP attachment getting secure. I have done so much therapy it’s ridiculous, for about 17 years. However I think talk therapy only takes you so far,you have to work on the emotional/ body based feelings and sensations that get stuck and suppressed from traum, that’s where the real healing brings. Anything somatic based will help. I’ve done breathwork and bodywork which helped immensely and recently psychedelic therapy which is very promising in terms of is results, lots of new research about it . I had an extremely abusive borderline personality mother and have come a LONG way from where I used to be...so I know healing is very possible, but it takes a long time and lots of support and use of different modalities.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 4:53:19 GMT
I have AP attachment getting secure. I have done so much therapy it’s ridiculous, for about 17 years. However I think talk therapy only takes you so far,you have to work on the emotional/ body based feelings and sensations that get stuck and suppressed from traum, that’s where the real healing brings. Anything somatic based will help. I’ve done breathwork and bodywork which helped immensely and recently psychedelic therapy which is very promising in terms of is results, lots of new research about it . I had an extremely abusive borderline personality mother and have come a LONG way from where I used to be...so I know healing is very possible, but it takes a long time and lots of support and use of different modalities.
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Post by serenity on Dec 4, 2019 1:03:42 GMT
I have AP attachment getting secure. I have done so much therapy it’s ridiculous, for about 17 years. However I think talk therapy only takes you so far,you have to work on the emotional/ body based feelings and sensations that get stuck and suppressed from traum, that’s where the real healing brings. Anything somatic based will help. I’ve done breathwork and bodywork which helped immensely and recently psychedelic therapy which is very promising in terms of is results, lots of new research about it . I had an extremely abusive borderline personality mother and have come a LONG way from where I used to be...so I know healing is very possible, but it takes a long time and lots of support and use of different modalities. I've heard those are good therapies for trauma Amber. I think my mother is more NPD than BPD, but therapy helped me identify that I developed Complex PTSD from her behaviour. I've received therapy and peer support for various aspects of C-PTSD for over 20 years (free here in Australia), its a lifelong process. The `talking part ' of therapy was very validating, especially in peer support groups with people who had similar parents. I talked about my issues so extensively that I no long feel crippling shame or an anxious drive to be perfect, like I did in childhood. Complex PTSD involves specific triggers, many of which heal by minimizing them. I took this very seriously and cut narcissists out of my life for long time, including my mother. I've left workplaces that were rife with narc abuse. Then I chose a very emotionally healthy and empathetic life partner, whose care and love for 15 years made my life blossom in all directions. We started a wildlife refuge together and the contact with animals helped immensely. Some of the things about his nature that helped was he was a fantastic listener, very caring and positive when it came to me and our relationship, and I cannot recall a time he ever criticized. It was very a peaceful and loving relationship right up until his sudden death. |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 4, 2019 4:36:14 GMT
I'm sorry for the loss of your partner serenity. That must have been so terrible. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 6, 2019 23:54:18 GMT
I have AP attachment getting secure. I have done so much therapy it’s ridiculous, for about 17 years. However I think talk therapy only takes you so far,you have to work on the emotional/ body based feelings and sensations that get stuck and suppressed from traum, that’s where the real healing brings. Anything somatic based will help. I’ve done breathwork and bodywork which helped immensely and recently psychedelic therapy which is very promising in terms of is results, lots of new research about it . I had an extremely abusive borderline personality mother and have come a LONG way from where I used to be...so I know healing is very possible, but it takes a long time and lots of support and use of different modalities. Thank you, amber. I am a big exerciser and back when I didn't know better I would get by with exercise. I kind of dropped it in lieu of therapy and whatever other things were going on, but this week I picked back up where I left with running. I will look into the things you mentioned. |
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