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Post by serenity on Dec 2, 2019 23:59:04 GMT
Thats excellent Amber. Good job diving into the negative impact of intermittent reinforcement on partners in relationships. You made a very healthy decision there.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 2:41:31 GMT
Thankyou serenity. This forum has helped so much, it has really helped me see the truth and not try to live out some fantasy that things will be ok. I had to constantly win my mother’s love as a child so that inclination is extraordinary strong in me and a hard pattern to give up. But I’m putting some internal boundaries in in a way my parents never could 😄
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 3, 2019 2:45:08 GMT
I was with my partner who I believe may be an ?FA for a week shy of our one year anniversary. He ended things stating “I don’t feel a strong enough connection/love for you/want to give you more but feel I am holding back”. This was a month after an argument where he felt I undermined his trust. He was vague about how long he had been feeling this way for, gave me conflicting answers. I had asked him a few times in the last six months if he was happy in the r/ship etc and he always emphatically said yes It was relatively a shock, and unexpected. He did distance the last six months but had a lot of stress in his life which he put this down to. I have been aware of attachment styles for some time and in therapy myself so was very conscious and respecting of his needs for space and believe I did not put my anxious feelings on him for the most part. I am confused as he acted very loving, super affectionate and caring throughout the r/ship. Definetly though distanced by telling me he was an introvert and needed a lot of alone time. Red flags- last ten years only short term relationships of 1-6 months. He ended it each time stating the connection changed or was lost for him. I was his longest r/ship in the last decade. Had a 14 year r/ship with a woman who was borderline, he had kids with her. Very dysfunctional r/ship. All women he has been with lots of drama in their lives -couldn’t express needs/ feelings at all -told me he didn’t see into the future for himself in any way and didn’t know what he wanted from a r/ship or if he wanted a long term r/ship (just wanted to live in the moment) -struggled to make new friends and didn’t spend a lot of time with friends -seemed stuck in his life and unable to make decisions, had little direction and very low self esteem I’m reeling from this. I have anxious attachment style so all makes sense but I’m devestated. Wanting to know if his behaviour is typical of FA attachment? Do they come back after breaking up with you? I’d like to make the r/ship work but at the same time know it probably wouldn’t as it was unhealthy in many ways Would love to hear from people with FA attachment or those that have been in a relationship with one From my point of view...yes he appears FA as this is how my FA partner shows up. And yes they do come back as mine has 5 times but not sure why they come back. I feel mine loves me the best he can but he definitely always has one foot out of the door. We have been together 2 yrs and the last 6mths has been the longest he hasn't felt the need to run. I think this is due to the fact I dont act anxious anymore after doing the work on my side. The relationship we have now suits me on the whole especially now I understand about attachment and have stopped taking things personal and doing protest behaviour. We get along just fine on the whole. - That’s good that you’re feeling better and made progress at your end. He hasn’t felt the need to run, but is he now willing to be more open and vulnerable? Or does he still deactivate and/or distance himself- even w your secure behavior? |
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 3:54:53 GMT
We have been texting a bit over the last week and he asked to meet in person to respond to my long text about our relationship. I initially said yes and then told him today it didn’t feel right and that perhaps in a few weeks I could meet with him. He hasn’t responded yet. I suspect he feels rejected seeing as he did open again and I said no. But it’s too early for me and I feel I would be vulnerable to getting back with him if there was a chance because of the crazy attraction. Self preservation!
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Post by Helsbells on Dec 3, 2019 10:13:30 GMT
From my point of view...yes he appears FA as this is how my FA partner shows up. And yes they do come back as mine has 5 times but not sure why they come back. I feel mine loves me the best he can but he definitely always has one foot out of the door. We have been together 2 yrs and the last 6mths has been the longest he hasn't felt the need to run. I think this is due to the fact I dont act anxious anymore after doing the work on my side. The relationship we have now suits me on the whole especially now I understand about attachment and have stopped taking things personal and doing protest behaviour. We get along just fine on the whole. - That’s good that you’re feeling better and made progress at your end. He hasn’t felt the need to run, but is he now willing to be more open and vulnerable? Or does he still deactivate and/or distance himself- even w your secure behavior? Thanks hun, hope your ok. I have seen slow progress to being more vulnerable, makes more effort to be present with me and iniates doing more stuff together. He has deactivated recently and I felt the and change in him it hurt my heart. The difference is he was so conflicted at the time due to loving me and being happy with me he didnt act on it and flee to his motorhome. I could see the torment he was in. He was saying the usual stuff like you deserve better, I've always travelled not very good at sameness it was very sad, but I felt inside that he didn't really mean it it was as if something was playing out in him. I gave him space but told him I loved him and hoped to make it work. After a day or two he came round and we spoke and he told me of the terrible time he was having at work. There are addictive behaviours that we both hide behind but we are both working on them too. |
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 11:01:48 GMT
Honestly how do people overcome a breakup with an FA? At the present time it feels like my self esteem has been completely shattered. I actually feel broken and like I’ll never be able to trust anyone again. So angry with him for the confusing way he treated me
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Post by Helsbells on Dec 3, 2019 18:58:37 GMT
Honestly how do people overcome a breakup with an FA? At the present time it feels like my self esteem has been completely shattered. I actually feel broken and like I’ll never be able to trust anyone again. So angry with him for the confusing way he treated me I'm so sorry for you Amber and I understand. This relationship has changed me forever I believe. The mixed messages, the insecurities and clinging one minute and the distance the next, the I love you then so easy to throw in the towel has shaken me to the core. I will admit although we are still together I try to build myself up so much for the inevitable that he will probably do one on me one day so now I struggle to give myself to him like before and have become very avoidant in an emotional way. I am 55 and he is 45 and I have never known anything like this before. The more I understand it's not personal it has helped but it still seems so unnatural why someone cannot just settle and love freely to someone who has never harmed them and has only shown trust and love but it never seems enough. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 3, 2019 20:18:14 GMT
amber, Helsbells, after my first breakup with my FA ex after a year, I was devastated with totally shattered self-esteem (from the constant nitpicking that came with the distancing behavior and the seemingly sudden 180 from how close we had been though I hadn't changed or done anything to cause it -- so I ruminated endlessly trying to figure out what I'd done. Which was, nothing). And, yes, shaken down to my absolute core. Completely distraught and confused. Plus, my ex wouldn't actually go away and give me space. He still wanted a friendship that was the close romantic relationship, but without the commitment or physical aspects. What a mind f*ck. It took a few months to be able to start, but I used being in that much pain to force myself to focus on myself and my needs and putting myself first, which seemed impossible at first because I was AP and had never been able to do that. Some of that was admittedly driven by self-blame, that if I figured out how to be a better partner, we could repair. But more of it was driven by my recognition that I needed to truly rebuild my self-esteem after all that. I have written on a couple other threads here in more detail how I earned secure out of all this, but one important thing in all this is I was determined not to let feeling blindsided and having my trust shattered (I thought we were building a serious future) stick around as baggage to make me distrustful of others when it wasn't warranted. Identifying that feeling as a me-problem, I don't need to project that fear on future friends and partners who don't deserve it, and therefore I needed to figure out what it would take to heal that and not carry it around (the answer to that, I found, was simply getting to know yourself better so you could learn to trust yourself first). Allow yourself time to recover from the breakup shock and sadness first, but once you're on the road to moving forward, nothing helped me personally more than using the FA-AP dysfunction to better understand myself and dynamics and differences with others, learn why that should be depersonalized, then truly shift the sole focus to myself and healing.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2019 21:20:06 GMT
Thanks Alexandra. I appreciate your insight it’s immensely helpful. I’ve never had such a breakup like this or ever felt so fucked over by someone...he said and did so many contradictory things right before ending it; “I love you, want to spend more time with you....you enrich my life in so many ways/you offer so much/ you’re so generous/I’m so grateful for you....”etc. makes me wonder if he felt obliged to say those things or if he was people pleasing, I question how genuine those things were? For him to just turn around and say he didn’t want the realtor ship because the love and connection isn’t strong enough. I think the hardest part is the confusion. And then he gave conflicting answers about how long he had been feeling less love and connection. He said he wasn’t sure, then he said maybe the last six months, then in a text later he said it had only been since we had an argument a month ago. But he didn’t tell me earlier as he “didn’t want to hurt me”. So much dishonesty. Perhaps he didn’t even know himself what he was really feeling
I hope to move on from this and use the pain for growth.
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Post by Helsbells on Dec 3, 2019 22:07:01 GMT
amber, Helsbells, after my first breakup with my FA ex after a year, I was devastated with totally shattered self-esteem (from the constant nitpicking that came with the distancing behavior and the seemingly sudden 180 from how close we had been though I hadn't changed or done anything to cause it -- so I ruminated endlessly trying to figure out what I'd done. Which was, nothing). And, yes, shaken down to my absolute core. Completely distraught and confused. Plus, my ex wouldn't actually go away and give me space. He still wanted a friendship that was the close romantic relationship, but without the commitment or physical aspects. What a mind f*ck. It took a few months to be able to start, but I used being in that much pain to force myself to focus on myself and my needs and putting myself first, which seemed impossible at first because I was AP and had never been able to do that. Some of that was admittedly driven by self-blame, that if I figured out how to be a better partner, we could repair. But more of it was driven by my recognition that I needed to truly rebuild my self-esteem after all that. I have written on a couple other threads here in more detail how I earned secure out of all this, but one important thing in all this is I was determined not to let feeling blindsided and having my trust shattered (I thought we were building a serious future) stick around as baggage to make me distrustful of others when it wasn't warranted. Identifying that feeling as a me-problem, I don't need to project that fear on future friends and partners who don't deserve it, and therefore I needed to figure out what it would take to heal that and not carry it around (the answer to that, I found, was simply getting to know yourself better so you could learn to trust yourself first). Allow yourself time to recover from the breakup shock and sadness first, but once you're on the road to moving forward, nothing helped me personally more than using the FA-AP dysfunction to better understand myself and dynamics and differences with others, learn why that should be depersonalized, then truly shift the sole focus to myself and healing. Thank you my dear Alexandra, I feel I am fooling myself to believe anything ever lasting can come of this relationship. It does feel very on his terms. Hes so fragile the only way to be is on his terms. Yes I'm avoidant but I'm not such a fragile person that everything seems to have to make me feel totally comfortable. I think it's best more my mental health that I let this one go. It makes me sad, but it might be for the best xx |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 3, 2019 22:17:45 GMT
Helbels Thankyou for your response. In your experience do they take long to come back? What is the best way to approach this? No contact? It’s been over a week and he is responsive and friendly in texts but no signs of returning. My fear is he won’t because he has taken full custody of one son and is under a lot of stress with little time, which I know is hard for an FA. Also wondering if they arnt the type to explicitly say they want the r/ship back, if you are the one that needs to initiate this Also mine doesn't handle stress well at all. He almost recently bolted because of a misshap at work. It made him want to run away. I noticed him really pull away for the first time in the 6 months weve been back together. He was seriously going travelling in his van. After a couple of days and me just being upset but telling him ok if that's what you want to do,he never went. He sat it out as painful as it was for him, because bolting is what he does he admitted to me it was the pressure of the job and all the things that kept going wrong in work so we talked about it and he left that job and resumed back to being loving to me. It was only temp work so no biggie but just trying to give you a little insight on how we can take it personal but most of the time it's not really about us. Believe me you haven't heard the last of him. If you had he wouldn't even be talking to you xx Actually it's interesting you should mention this, exactly the same as the F-A I know. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Dec 3, 2019 22:54:43 GMT
amber , Helsbells , after my first breakup with my FA ex after a year, I was devastated with totally shattered self-esteem (from the constant nitpicking that came with the distancing behavior and the seemingly sudden 180 from how close we had been though I hadn't changed or done anything to cause it -- so I ruminated endlessly trying to figure out what I'd done. Which was, nothing). And, yes, shaken down to my absolute core. Completely distraught and confused. Plus, my ex wouldn't actually go away and give me space. He still wanted a friendship that was the close romantic relationship, but without the commitment or physical aspects. What a mind f*ck. It took a few months to be able to start, but I used being in that much pain to force myself to focus on myself and my needs and putting myself first, which seemed impossible at first because I was AP and had never been able to do that. Some of that was admittedly driven by self-blame, that if I figured out how to be a better partner, we could repair. But more of it was driven by my recognition that I needed to truly rebuild my self-esteem after all that. I have written on a couple other threads here in more detail how I earned secure out of all this, but one important thing in all this is I was determined not to let feeling blindsided and having my trust shattered (I thought we were building a serious future) stick around as baggage to make me distrustful of others when it wasn't warranted. Identifying that feeling as a me-problem, I don't need to project that fear on future friends and partners who don't deserve it, and therefore I needed to figure out what it would take to heal that and not carry it around (the answer to that, I found, was simply getting to know yourself better so you could learn to trust yourself first). Allow yourself time to recover from the breakup shock and sadness first, but once you're on the road to moving forward, nothing helped me personally more than using the FA-AP dysfunction to better understand myself and dynamics and differences with others, learn why that should be depersonalized, then truly shift the sole focus to myself and healing. Fantastic you took a negative time/event and turned it into a positive Alexandra, sensational stuff |
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Post by serenity on Dec 3, 2019 23:15:48 GMT
Thanks Alexandra. I appreciate your insight it’s immensely helpful. I’ve never had such a breakup like this or ever felt so fucked over by someone...he said and did so many contradictory things right before ending it; “I love you, want to spend more time with you....you enrich my life in so many ways/you offer so much/ you’re so generous/I’m so grateful for you....”etc. makes me wonder if he felt obliged to say those things or if he was people pleasing, I question how genuine those things were? For him to just turn around and say he didn’t want the realtor ship because the love and connection isn’t strong enough. I think the hardest part is the confusion. And then he gave conflicting answers about how long he had been feeling less love and connection. He said he wasn’t sure, then he said maybe the last six months, then in a text later he said it had only been since we had an argument a month ago. But he didn’t tell me earlier as he “didn’t want to hurt me”. So much dishonesty. Perhaps he didn’t even know himself what he was really feeling I hope to move on from this and use the pain for growth. Hugs Amber. I try not to take hurtful words from unaware avoidants too much to heart. Their mindset and feelings for partners can shift rapidly, depending on whether they are dissociating or feeling untriggered. Yes, he's dishonest but more specifically, he lacks the self-awareness to create a positive, healthy relationship. Minor conflict is something healthy couples deal with by talking and empathizing, not engaging in harmful behaviors like breaking up, saying they don't love you, avoiding, stonewalling and acting hot cold. Its devastatingly painful to be treated that way, and I hope you never go through anything that immature and harmful again, with any guy  |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 4, 2019 2:56:18 GMT
Perhaps he didn’t even know himself what he was really feeling Yes, this! Everything you wrote also sounds very similar. |
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Post by amber on Dec 4, 2019 4:35:27 GMT
Thankyou
The confusing thing is, he was always consistently a very affectionate person and always loving and caring when in his presence. He never withdrew energetically or was “cold” towards me. Was consistent with texts and calls (almost a little needy with texts)... but often did not make plans after the first six months we were together and didn’t initiate time together much. He said he “didn’t know what he wanted from a r/ship, or from his future in general” and lacked direction in life. Had a lot of trouble making decisions. So he was not super hot and cold and always into sex and touch etc. he did tell me Early in he “didn’t know how much he could open in relationship” (vague) and that he felt awkward and uncomfortable being in both intimate r/ships and friendships and didn’t involve himself in friendships as he felt he had to protect himself. He doesn’t sounds like some of the typical FA here I’ve read about. What do others think? Does he sound FA? Not to mention his poor r/ship history where he ran from every short term r/ship he had for the last ten years as the woman wasn’t “right “ for him anymore and he believes he just hasn’t met the right person.
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