Me
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Post by Me on Dec 6, 2019 1:00:34 GMT
Say someone is anxious with one partner and then in their next relationship is really avoidant does that mean they were maybe just more attracted to or had stronger feelings for the first person?
I know bad relationships or break ups can change your style or partners can trigger you in different ways but I wonder if that is a factor too
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Post by alexandra on Dec 6, 2019 8:36:21 GMT
Me, the person who triggered me most anxious, who I had the strongest physical attraction to and connection with, was a toxic mess of a situation. When it came down to it, and I had enough space to calm my nervous system down, I realized I didn't even like him as a person. It took me months and months to get over it even so, even though I knew I didn't even like him very much. I have cared about other people who didn't make me anxious like that much more, and much more enduringly. I haven't spoken to that guy in several years and have absolutely no desire to. Even though I was so attracted to him, it was based in anxiety relief because of all the intermittent reinforcement, and I never want that again. Having a lot of attachment-based anxiety or avoidance is primarily projection. If a person is emotionally unavailable or unstable, you can't really answer that kind of question because it's got so much less to do with who the partner truly is as a person and so much more to do with how they trigger the nervous system and the cyclical tape loop that already exists there. If the person sorted through the issues, they may think completely differently of someone they previously thought they were really into (or vice-versa).
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Dec 9, 2019 23:37:12 GMT
Me, the person who triggered me most anxious, who I had the strongest physical attraction to and connection with, was a toxic mess of a situation. When it came down to it, and I had enough space to calm my nervous system down, I realized I didn't even like him as a person. It took me months and months to get over it even so, even though I knew I didn't even like him very much. I have cared about other people who didn't make me anxious like that much more, and much more enduringly. I haven't spoken to that guy in several years and have absolutely no desire to. Even though I was so attracted to him, it was based in anxiety relief because of all the intermittent reinforcement, and I never want that again. Having a lot of attachment-based anxiety or avoidance is primarily projection. If a person is emotionally unavailable or unstable, you can't really answer that kind of question because it's got so much less to do with who the partner truly is as a person and so much more to do with how they trigger the nervous system and the cyclical tape loop that already exists there. If the person sorted through the issues, they may think completely differently of someone they previously thought they were really into (or vice-versa). I was asking because my partner seemed anxious with his ex but avoidant with me . I'm guessing we each trigger him in a different way . I know she cheated on him and left him for another guy and their relationship was very messy . It's funny though your comment really made me think . I've never been triggered this way by anyone and it's so toxic and awful. I think it's only the dynamic or activated attachment system keeping me here because I actually dont like him as a person either when I think about it . He is arrogant, cruel , rude to everyone, his mum , waiters etc . I like / respect him the least of all my partners and it's not even the dismissive behaviours that make me feel that way its who he is and the way he acts . I feel like the more I'm beginning to understand the less I am being triggered and I'm starting to see the bigger picture now . I think it's a lesson for me to be more careful in the future with who I become involved with rather than just jumping into a relationship. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 9, 2019 23:45:26 GMT
I was asking because my partner seemed anxious with his ex but avoidant with me. I knew why you were asking  Having been in your situation myself, though, and asking similar questions about other avoidant partners I've had (which feeds a negative self narrative and doesn't really help anything), looking at it from the reverse perspective turned out to be much more constructive. |
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Me
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Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Dec 9, 2019 23:51:41 GMT
Yeah it doesnt help haha . I need to stop overthinking everything and focus on what I can to do heal myself
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Having been in your situation myself, though, and asking similar questions about other avoidant partners I've had (which feeds a negative self narrative and doesn't really help anything), looking at it from the reverse perspective turned out to be much more constructive.