An ex FA from TWO years ago contacted me/ Questions for FAs
Dec 15, 2019 15:44:44 GMT
annieb likes this
Post by nyc718 on Dec 15, 2019 15:44:44 GMT
LONG POST WARNING:
I dated a man in 2017 for almost 8 months, who I didn't realize was FA until I learned what FA was this past summer during a breakup with my most recent ex FA of 1.5 years. I received a text from the 2017 ex last night, in which I was both surprised and completely amused, as I had changed his name in my contacts from Steve to Crumbs way back when. (I highly recommend doing this, your future self will thank you later.) The text from "Crumbs" said " I know we aren't talking, but I saw this and I thought of you" and he included a link to some site, then he said, Take care. I happened to have been out to dinner with my girlfriend last night, and she had been there for me two years ago when things fell apart between him and I. So what did I do? I texted back 2.5 hours later, "Thanks. Who is this?"
Call me petty, whatever. I call it sweet, sweet validation.
So the short story: We met, things were going swimmingly, we were in contact every day, and we had a pattern of seeing each other. We were crazy about each other. I met his friends, we all got along, things were great. By month 5 we went on a (textbook cliche, FA dooming) vacation (his idea, he paid for it all) in which we had an amazing time, and he had told me how well we "vacation together" and I thought, of course, I'm a very laid back and easy person; there's no reason why we wouldn't have had a great time on vacation.
THEN boom, it's about the 6 month mark and he starts to deactivate. I didn't realize until looking back that this had started, but for the next two months or so, things were different to the point I finally called him out on it in a text and ended things with something to the effect of, I know you are fading out, so if you're done then just be done. (I had always been used to listening to my instincts, and this was one of those times I knew there was a huge disturbance in the force without knowing the full story of attachment etc)
Anyway, he got back to me the next day (he normally got back to me right away) with some excuse about being "slammed with work" and that he wasn't fading out. Of course that was way confusing to me, as his actions over the previous weeks were completely off from how they had been for months. So short story again, the next 6-7 months entailed what I look back on in hindsight as ridiculous back and forth, push pull, just such confusing communication on his part. I seriously had no clue what the hell happened. It was confusing, painful and just such a mind fuck looking back.
During the next confusing and twisted 6-7 months, one of his beloved 14 year old dogs died and he lost it. He contacted me for emotional support and of course, me being the caring person that I am, was happy to be there for him, even though I did think it was kind of shitty of him to ask this of me. I also thought at the time well, he really does see me as someone he wants in his life, so sure, I'll be there. Nope. He kept pulling the hot and cold behavior, which pissed me off because I felt very used and dismissed. THEN, the other dog died 6 weeks later (they were brother and sister dogs) and again, he was a complete mess and contacted me again for emotional support.
By this time though, I was like what the hell? This guy has a lot of fucking nerve. I asked my friends what the hell do I do? They were like screw him, he's a fucking asshole. But I went against my instincts and thought, I can't just not be there for him during this time, he was completely falling apart over losing his two dogs so close together and near the holidays, the first had been near Thanksgiving and the other two days after Christmas. So I was there again to comfort him about the loss of his dogs. ( At this point, I see it as a gigantic red flag if a man can have more of a relationship with his pets than humans. I digress.)
I finally ended things once and for all a few weeks later after he had cancelled on me when we were supposed to meet. What happened was I texted him right before I was on my way to see him to see if we were still on (another red flag if you feel like you have to reconfirm because you don't feel secure that they will hold to their plans) and he came back with some flimsy excuse that he had hit his head earlier that day while skateboarding and wouldn't be good company. This was around 9:30 pm mind you when I texted him, and he was just telling me then that he didn't want to meet.
I realized that night that I really just had enough. I was tired of being disrespected and I was angry at myself for allowing my boundaries to be crossed over and over again. I called him and told him tearfully that I just couldn't do this anymore (whatever "this" was) and that he needed to take care of whatever it was that he needed to take care of. He was also emotional and said ok, and that he understood.
When I hung up that night, I was hanging up for good. He didn't realize that yet, but I did. I was DONE done.
(Sorry again for this being so long, but trust me, I spared you so many other details.)
Over the next few weeks/months, he would stalk my Instagram page and stories. I had deleted him as a follower the day I ended things, but he was still coming to my page, sometimes looking at my story seconds after I posted them. I ended up blocking him and 8 subsequent fake accounts he created. I was sick of thinking of him.
He contacted me a few months later, because he had a skateboard that I had asked him to put together for my son during that hot and cold period, and he wanted to know how to get it back to me. I had told him way back though before my final ending that I no longer wanted it, and that he could do whatever he wanted with it, throw it out, sell it, whatever. I actually DID want it, but I was so fed up with him at that point that I didn't want to meet him to claim it from him, I just wanted to be done with him. But here he was a couple of months later using that item as a way to contact me. I took my time replying, then I texted him my address and that was it. He responded, cool, will send.
TWO months after that, he texted me again saying he tried to send it but there wasn't a box big enough that he could find, and if he could just drop it off at my building, that I didn't even need to come meet him to get it, he could just leave it at my door, OR he would also be willing to drop it off at my brother's place. I responded in a very short reply, my brother will be home at X date and time, thx. He did end up dropping it off at my brother's with an additional gift in there for me. I never acknowledged or thanked him for it, I just didn't care anymore.
A few weeks later, he emailed me a link but didn't say anything about the link. I ignored it. And that was the last time I heard from him until last night, over two years later.
SO, he did end up replying to my text of Who is this, and he apologized if it was "out of line" for him to contact me. I am not replying. I refuse to open that door up. There is absolutely nothing he brings to the table for me.
Now, the way I am looking at him and my most previous ex FA is not one of judgment or disdain, as much as it may sound like it. I actually have a lot of compassion for them both. I see them as, emotionally, they are little boys who are trapped in men's bodies. Again, I don't say that in a judgmental or disdainful way. I myself have had to do tons of work on myself to get to an emotionally healthy place. But that's the difference between me and those two, I am willing and deliberately doing work on myself and have been, they aren't. I don't think they know to do work on themselves.
So this is where my questions for any FAs who may have some insight for me are: what are you thinking when a relationship ends and the person you pushed away finally decides they have had enough? I mean, I wonder, did he think oh, I'll just give her some time to cool off, she'll talk to me again? Because when I am done with someone, I am done forever, and I am the queen of giving a relationship a chance. So when I decide it's over, it means any chances we had have been exhausted and I am never looking back. Also, during your deactivation, are you even thinking about the other person? Or are you so overwhelmed that you can only think about your own survival in the situation?
I DO NOT mean to come off as disrespectful or flippant with my questions or comments, and I apologize if I do appear as such and it is triggering. If anything, I hope I also provide valuable feedback on what the other side may be thinking about the situation.
Also, I am fully expecting my most current ex FA to reach out eventually, because that is just how it goes. At this point, it's only been a month since I ended things, and I do still have feelings for him since it was so recent, but as time goes on, I know I will not. I will simply not care, just like I feel for this ex FA that just texted me. I do not hate him (the 2017 one) and I never could, but I also really just could not care less about him either, which is a big thing, because I once loved him.
If my recent ex FA reached out, it would still affect me at this point, but not to the point where I would consider getting back together, no, never. I know he does not have what I need to thrive as a person and in a relationship. But I still care to the point that I feel like I would want to tell him that he needs to get some help, for himself at the very least, if he ever wants a healthy relationship. Then again, I don't want to do that because who wants unsolicited advice, right?
So another question to FAs is this: when you reach out after a long period of silence, what do you want to hear? Do you even know what you want to hear? Or are you waiting to see what the reply is before you decide your next move? I am trying to wrap my head around the mind of an FA who does this hot and cold thing. I have read plenty about Fearful Avoidants, but I would love to hear from an actual person what is going on in your head when you swing around after a long period.
Here is some of what I'm thinking: They simply do not give a shit about me, so why should I give a shit about them? They didn't fight for me so I am moving on. They are cowards. They are numb. They are stunted emotionally and I need someone who is the opposite of that. I do not want to hear from them because I do not want to deal with any more bullshit.
BUT, I am also thinking of the good times, the beautiful moments, and the good feelings we had between us. I am thinking of the trauma from their early years that have caused such a disconnect, and how sad it is that the trauma still affects them, but they don't even understand it themselves, and how I wish I could be a part of the support they need to figure that difficult and painful stuff out. The negative thoughts I have are more to help me move on. I am not a hateful person. I do not thrive with hate or negativity in my heart, but I do utilize negative feelings to help me see a situation for what it is and to help me get over the grief of losing a relationship that I wanted to work out.
Thanks for reading this far.
I dated a man in 2017 for almost 8 months, who I didn't realize was FA until I learned what FA was this past summer during a breakup with my most recent ex FA of 1.5 years. I received a text from the 2017 ex last night, in which I was both surprised and completely amused, as I had changed his name in my contacts from Steve to Crumbs way back when. (I highly recommend doing this, your future self will thank you later.) The text from "Crumbs" said " I know we aren't talking, but I saw this and I thought of you" and he included a link to some site, then he said, Take care. I happened to have been out to dinner with my girlfriend last night, and she had been there for me two years ago when things fell apart between him and I. So what did I do? I texted back 2.5 hours later, "Thanks. Who is this?"
Call me petty, whatever. I call it sweet, sweet validation.
So the short story: We met, things were going swimmingly, we were in contact every day, and we had a pattern of seeing each other. We were crazy about each other. I met his friends, we all got along, things were great. By month 5 we went on a (textbook cliche, FA dooming) vacation (his idea, he paid for it all) in which we had an amazing time, and he had told me how well we "vacation together" and I thought, of course, I'm a very laid back and easy person; there's no reason why we wouldn't have had a great time on vacation.
THEN boom, it's about the 6 month mark and he starts to deactivate. I didn't realize until looking back that this had started, but for the next two months or so, things were different to the point I finally called him out on it in a text and ended things with something to the effect of, I know you are fading out, so if you're done then just be done. (I had always been used to listening to my instincts, and this was one of those times I knew there was a huge disturbance in the force without knowing the full story of attachment etc)
Anyway, he got back to me the next day (he normally got back to me right away) with some excuse about being "slammed with work" and that he wasn't fading out. Of course that was way confusing to me, as his actions over the previous weeks were completely off from how they had been for months. So short story again, the next 6-7 months entailed what I look back on in hindsight as ridiculous back and forth, push pull, just such confusing communication on his part. I seriously had no clue what the hell happened. It was confusing, painful and just such a mind fuck looking back.
During the next confusing and twisted 6-7 months, one of his beloved 14 year old dogs died and he lost it. He contacted me for emotional support and of course, me being the caring person that I am, was happy to be there for him, even though I did think it was kind of shitty of him to ask this of me. I also thought at the time well, he really does see me as someone he wants in his life, so sure, I'll be there. Nope. He kept pulling the hot and cold behavior, which pissed me off because I felt very used and dismissed. THEN, the other dog died 6 weeks later (they were brother and sister dogs) and again, he was a complete mess and contacted me again for emotional support.
By this time though, I was like what the hell? This guy has a lot of fucking nerve. I asked my friends what the hell do I do? They were like screw him, he's a fucking asshole. But I went against my instincts and thought, I can't just not be there for him during this time, he was completely falling apart over losing his two dogs so close together and near the holidays, the first had been near Thanksgiving and the other two days after Christmas. So I was there again to comfort him about the loss of his dogs. ( At this point, I see it as a gigantic red flag if a man can have more of a relationship with his pets than humans. I digress.)
I finally ended things once and for all a few weeks later after he had cancelled on me when we were supposed to meet. What happened was I texted him right before I was on my way to see him to see if we were still on (another red flag if you feel like you have to reconfirm because you don't feel secure that they will hold to their plans) and he came back with some flimsy excuse that he had hit his head earlier that day while skateboarding and wouldn't be good company. This was around 9:30 pm mind you when I texted him, and he was just telling me then that he didn't want to meet.
I realized that night that I really just had enough. I was tired of being disrespected and I was angry at myself for allowing my boundaries to be crossed over and over again. I called him and told him tearfully that I just couldn't do this anymore (whatever "this" was) and that he needed to take care of whatever it was that he needed to take care of. He was also emotional and said ok, and that he understood.
When I hung up that night, I was hanging up for good. He didn't realize that yet, but I did. I was DONE done.
(Sorry again for this being so long, but trust me, I spared you so many other details.)
Over the next few weeks/months, he would stalk my Instagram page and stories. I had deleted him as a follower the day I ended things, but he was still coming to my page, sometimes looking at my story seconds after I posted them. I ended up blocking him and 8 subsequent fake accounts he created. I was sick of thinking of him.
He contacted me a few months later, because he had a skateboard that I had asked him to put together for my son during that hot and cold period, and he wanted to know how to get it back to me. I had told him way back though before my final ending that I no longer wanted it, and that he could do whatever he wanted with it, throw it out, sell it, whatever. I actually DID want it, but I was so fed up with him at that point that I didn't want to meet him to claim it from him, I just wanted to be done with him. But here he was a couple of months later using that item as a way to contact me. I took my time replying, then I texted him my address and that was it. He responded, cool, will send.
TWO months after that, he texted me again saying he tried to send it but there wasn't a box big enough that he could find, and if he could just drop it off at my building, that I didn't even need to come meet him to get it, he could just leave it at my door, OR he would also be willing to drop it off at my brother's place. I responded in a very short reply, my brother will be home at X date and time, thx. He did end up dropping it off at my brother's with an additional gift in there for me. I never acknowledged or thanked him for it, I just didn't care anymore.
A few weeks later, he emailed me a link but didn't say anything about the link. I ignored it. And that was the last time I heard from him until last night, over two years later.
SO, he did end up replying to my text of Who is this, and he apologized if it was "out of line" for him to contact me. I am not replying. I refuse to open that door up. There is absolutely nothing he brings to the table for me.
Now, the way I am looking at him and my most previous ex FA is not one of judgment or disdain, as much as it may sound like it. I actually have a lot of compassion for them both. I see them as, emotionally, they are little boys who are trapped in men's bodies. Again, I don't say that in a judgmental or disdainful way. I myself have had to do tons of work on myself to get to an emotionally healthy place. But that's the difference between me and those two, I am willing and deliberately doing work on myself and have been, they aren't. I don't think they know to do work on themselves.
So this is where my questions for any FAs who may have some insight for me are: what are you thinking when a relationship ends and the person you pushed away finally decides they have had enough? I mean, I wonder, did he think oh, I'll just give her some time to cool off, she'll talk to me again? Because when I am done with someone, I am done forever, and I am the queen of giving a relationship a chance. So when I decide it's over, it means any chances we had have been exhausted and I am never looking back. Also, during your deactivation, are you even thinking about the other person? Or are you so overwhelmed that you can only think about your own survival in the situation?
I DO NOT mean to come off as disrespectful or flippant with my questions or comments, and I apologize if I do appear as such and it is triggering. If anything, I hope I also provide valuable feedback on what the other side may be thinking about the situation.
Also, I am fully expecting my most current ex FA to reach out eventually, because that is just how it goes. At this point, it's only been a month since I ended things, and I do still have feelings for him since it was so recent, but as time goes on, I know I will not. I will simply not care, just like I feel for this ex FA that just texted me. I do not hate him (the 2017 one) and I never could, but I also really just could not care less about him either, which is a big thing, because I once loved him.
If my recent ex FA reached out, it would still affect me at this point, but not to the point where I would consider getting back together, no, never. I know he does not have what I need to thrive as a person and in a relationship. But I still care to the point that I feel like I would want to tell him that he needs to get some help, for himself at the very least, if he ever wants a healthy relationship. Then again, I don't want to do that because who wants unsolicited advice, right?
So another question to FAs is this: when you reach out after a long period of silence, what do you want to hear? Do you even know what you want to hear? Or are you waiting to see what the reply is before you decide your next move? I am trying to wrap my head around the mind of an FA who does this hot and cold thing. I have read plenty about Fearful Avoidants, but I would love to hear from an actual person what is going on in your head when you swing around after a long period.
Here is some of what I'm thinking: They simply do not give a shit about me, so why should I give a shit about them? They didn't fight for me so I am moving on. They are cowards. They are numb. They are stunted emotionally and I need someone who is the opposite of that. I do not want to hear from them because I do not want to deal with any more bullshit.
BUT, I am also thinking of the good times, the beautiful moments, and the good feelings we had between us. I am thinking of the trauma from their early years that have caused such a disconnect, and how sad it is that the trauma still affects them, but they don't even understand it themselves, and how I wish I could be a part of the support they need to figure that difficult and painful stuff out. The negative thoughts I have are more to help me move on. I am not a hateful person. I do not thrive with hate or negativity in my heart, but I do utilize negative feelings to help me see a situation for what it is and to help me get over the grief of losing a relationship that I wanted to work out.
Thanks for reading this far.
