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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2019 23:56:52 GMT
So, I've been kind of poking around to consider causes of my avoidant attachment. I guess I'm coming out of it enough to try to understand it more, maybe it is indeed part of making sense of a narrative.
I read here that DA can be contributed to by a mother not wanting her baby. I don't blame my mom for that, if that was her feeling, only because I know she was very unhappy and not supported at all herself.
My dad was an alcoholic and absent. I didn't see him much at all until later in childhood. He had trauma from abuse in childhood. His family was Catholic and he endured beating for spiritual cleansing. Very sad. Also, his Catholic upbringing caused the banishment of birth control. So my mother bore children in succession, I was the last. She was overwhelmed. Also I was born blue and didn't breath so they put me in NICU. My dad did not want another baby at all. He was also just in a terrible place in life.
So I guess that's trauma but I have not considered that. I looked up some research on that, and it indicates that the attachment bond of mom and baby is injured on both sides by separation at birth. Apparently the baby suffers (obviously, with isolation and separation) but so does mom, she has trouble long term possibly bonding with baby. Her own trauma.
That, coupled with the circumstances of her unwanted pregnancy, may have just really broken us both. That's sad, but understandable. It makes me understand her more. She has passed away and I can't ask her about her feelings about that. It makes me sad to think of it.
So, I can't be sure, what was real for her, or even for me. Back then things were done a lot differently due to lack of awareness of the impacts, I would think. It seems like birth experiences are conducted a lot more mindfully but have a way to go. But in any case, if a baby has to be on a ventilator for a while that still happens. I know a NICU nurse who takes care of those babies and she is very involved with cuddling and loving and talking with baby. I wonder if they did that with me? I'm just wondering about my origins. I feel compassionate for myself and a little sad although I am doing great in therapy and working through my attachment.
I am wondering, if anyone would like to share their birth circumstances, if you feel it may have impacted your development. I know it's not uncommon to have a difficult beginning. How did it impact your mom? Have you healed together about it?
I think if these things because I was present at the births of my grandbabies, and I was so pleased to see them placed on my daughter's bare chest, skin to skin. I got to do that with my babies also. although two births were traumatic and they were all cesarean.
All of this just makes me feel compassion and like awareness really needs to keep growing about all this. Western medicine can get some things really right and really wrong, with all this.
Just pondering it all.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 21, 2019 0:44:07 GMT
@inmourning, being from an unwanted pregnancy to an overwhelmed mother who I assume had several kids (if they didn't believe in birth control) and an absent father (who I'm sure was also emotionally absent to her before he actually left, distracting her in her overwhelm further) would definitely be enough trauma to develop avoidant attachment, regardless of the initial few days in the hospital.
I believe in the power of understanding the narrative to help understand yourself and see how the attachment developed for a reason and can also be worked through. Since it's not just a random or entirely genetic thing. That helped me, I hope it can help you, too.
What I want to add is that, the person primarily responsible for my attachment wounding passed away before I learned about all this as well. But even if that was not the case, asking that person about everything would not have been helpful to me. I think you'd already shared that your mom never overcame her issues, and the person on my end had a personality disorder. Which means, it would be very difficult to get objective and honest answers to your questions, because the people who caused it had their own wounding, were disconnected from themselves, and very likely didn't understand what was going on either. So, it is a situation where there's not much gained from wondering what if I could have had that conversation.
I doubt you'd ruminate much over it, as DA tend not to so you may not need my perspective on that, but AP and FA can get stuck on things like that as they look for external answers and solutions. I gently nudged an FA who was talking to me about issues with his parents to look back to himself for answers and not try to pry them out of his DA parent (his parents are alive but he was convinced one just stubbornly refused to tell him the truth rather than that parent had their own deep emotional blockers with communication).
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 1:06:42 GMT
@inmourning , being from an unwanted pregnancy to an overwhelmed mother who I assume had several kids (if they didn't believe in birth control) and an absent father (who I'm sure was also emotionally absent to her before he actually left, distracting her in her overwhelm further) would definitely be enough trauma to develop avoidant attachment, regardless of the initial few days in the hospital. I believe in the power of understanding the narrative to help understand yourself and see how the attachment developed for a reason and can also be worked through. Since it's not just a random or entirely genetic thing. That helped me, I hope it can help you, too. What I want to add is that, the person primarily responsible for my attachment wounding passed away before I learned about all this as well. But even if that was not the case, asking that person about everything would not have been helpful to me. I think you'd already shared that your mom never overcame her issues, and the person on my end had a personality disorder. Which means, it would be very difficult to get objective and honest answers to your questions, because the people who caused it had their own wounding, were disconnected from themselves, and very likely didn't understand what was going on either. So, it is a situation where there's not much gained from wondering what if I could have had that conversation. I doubt you'd ruminate much over it, as DA tend not to so you may not need my perspective on that, but AP and FA can get stuck on things like that as they look for external answers and solutions. I gently nudged an FA who was talking to me about issues with his parents to look back to himself for answers and not try to pry them out of his DA parent (his parents are alive but he was convinced one just stubbornly refused to tell him the truth rather than that parent had their own deep emotional blockers with communication). Thank you alexandra. I agree, about looking externally for answers. The story was told to me very briefly, as a matter of fact, and left there so that's where I left it. She told me later in life that I was a spark, a twinkling light in darkness for her at some points, when her despair overtook her. But she also really seemed to believe negative things about me , assessing the other words she spoke. So perhaps, there was some splitting, or idealizing me and then seeing me as dark. She didn't use violence with me, and honestly I am glad she did not have that to regret. I think she had regrets. And, I think that what I want is peace for both of us, Id like to tell her it's ok and I'm ok. So I think I can find a personal way to do that in myself. With my mother heart I choose to believe, and it's not hard to believe, that she did the best she could, she hurt, and she would have done better if she could, and that she would if she could do it again. How can I feel the effects of this and not have compassion for her anyway, getting past anger and confusion is one thing and it's important. I've felt it. But it's not like she was born in a vacuum unaffected by her mom, and dad, and grandparents- it's a sad legacy but that is the situation for many many families. I do think often of mothers and babies and fathers in war torn regions, or famine, or oppressive regimes and I absolutely know that so many have it worse. Without even the sustenance that I had. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a tenderness for me, and for her, and for my dad too. If that's the prevailing meaning for me after all this, that's pretty positive. I like to connect with other people around this now , more for a shared sense of healing and overcoming hardship, than commiserating in pain. I guess that's natural for my type too, but it's a good thing in my eyes. Because like my therapist encouraged, I am taking the time for my heart and story instead of dismissing it all. I feel it. It doesn't feel jagged it feels a little heavy but kind of like a cracked heirloom in my hands given to me with the best of intentions. In spite of its broken parts. So yes, I also noticed after I shared that I was looking for an explanation of a few days unavoidable separation, bearing the most on my attachment. That would have made it an accident and not a lifestyle. It would have relieved my mom and myself of the burden of what happened next. I will have to stay true to a narrative that makes sense, like you said. It sat on my lap right after that and asked to be accepted and forgiven. I think I can do that. I wonder, somatically, what will be inspired by this in session. I bet it will be something I can complete, based on the amazing but mixed blessings Ive experienced so far with this process. Over all this actually makes me feel more secure with my partner. He wants me. He shares himself with me and he is careful when I share myself with him. So isn't that great? I think it's a happy ending. He has a lot of pain in his history also but he is seeking resolution and completeness in his process too. There is always something new happening between us. Actually I think both my mom and dad would be happy about that if they had the capacity to connect with me when I told them. But I really want to just keep it sacred to me, with my dad. And maybe mom knows already. I think it's good to get this into my view so I can get my bearings just right around it. I'll look forward to any sharing that anyone does here if they ponder these things too. Thanks again alexandra. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 18:31:29 GMT
alexandra, First, I'm sorry that you have lost the primary attachment figure, that shaped your attachment style. In a perfect world we could all reconcile everything but it's not a perfect world. It's such a powerful statement about how all we can do is let go, heal, and move on, when others are unavailable to help us. You are perhaps the most compassionate, understanding, patient and balanced personality on the forum, when it comes to supporting all styles. You've clearly done a lot in your process and come through to the other side with a very valuable perspective, which you've been generous with. I for one appreciate all you have contributed. One Question: Did you find the creation and embrace of a narrative that finally made sense, to be a major factor in moving toward secure? I know there are many layers to this. But I feel that recent insights that I've had, had propelled me forward tremendously. It's all linked- the somatic work, interacting with kind people also trying to heal this stuff in themselves, and the discussions here which uncover things in a helpful way. But the narrative seems to be the cherry on top. It feels so liberating. I am definitely going to continue my therapy, but I feel like I should be done here on the forum. What other kinds of supports do you have in your process, or are you just living it out now?
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Post by alexandra on Dec 22, 2019 20:51:01 GMT
@inmourning Well, thank you. No worries on the passing of the person. She wasn't my primary caretaker, but her personality disorder had an oversized impact on several relatives and generations. She passed years ago, after a very long and comfortable life that on paper would be considered a best case scenario for most people. I knew I'd had a very curious reaction to her passing, which in retrospect was lots of unaware and unprocessed emotions, and I actually wonder how much of my healing came about because she passed and I then had the space to get perspective and build an objective narrative afterwards. I don't think it was a coincidence that I made huge strides forward with attachment theory after she passed (though it wasn't a direct, she passed, I struggled and searched and then found attachment theory as result, or anything like that).
Yes, I've written a couple threads on AP boards about my process to earn secure, and I considered it 3 major pieces that all required work: 1. Understanding how it happened (I talk about how learning about multi-generational trauma was a game changer for me), which in my mind leads to building the narrative but also understanding and having compassion for the caretakers who contributed to your own insecure attachment style. Often, they did their best but lacked capacity in some or many ways. This is important in my opinion because it's not about overempathizing (no one needs to love or save an abuser they had, for example, or even keep them in your life), but it can allow you to not let the past define you, drop the trauma that wasn't ever actually yours but was projected onto you, and let go of the pain and anger associated with holding onto blame. Forgive so you don't keep suffering or project distrust on others who haven't done anything to deserve it, but not forget that that caretaker is still a toxic person to you assuming they never healed their own issues.
In that space, I think it's an interesting conclusion you came to that you felt better relating your attachment style to an unavoidable few days where bad things happened mostly at random because it's more comfortable than accepting you had emotional trauma because of a lifestyle. I think you're right, that you're trying to make sense of your narrative but you're still processing how to accept what happened. My way of reconciling that is, yes, it generally was a lifestyle that led to this stuff, but people without as many resources as we have (ie, access to the internet and research) got stuck in typical insecure attachment or personality disorder patterns and couldn't get out of it. Repeated the cycles. Maybe they didn't have whatever driving personality traits get someone more secure (research is unclear on why some people shift and others don't, even with tools), but insecure attachment styles, personality disorders, and those folks with all out mental illness often aren't malicious. They are handicapped in relating to children in a healthy way, though, and as a result those of us on the receiving end need to do more work to overcome it. It's not fair, but it just is, and most people have to struggle with something not being perfect in life anyway.
2. Was figuring out your triggers, how they feel in your body, and learning to manage them. 3. Was (for AP / FA) building proper self-acceptance, self-confidence, comfort with the concept that perfection isn't necessary and failure isn't the end of the world, etc. steps in order to start trusting and reconnecting with yourself.
I'm not really doing anything specifically supportive to keep going with it besides being very mindful. Again, I've mentioned how my thought patterns actually changed overnight and I then clearly saw the difference between secure thinking and insecure thinking and was like, why would I ever think in that distorted way, that makes no sense! But then it took a bunch of months of weirdness, in that I couldn't anticipate my own responses and had to get to know myself again, because I'd stopped running the repetitive AP track, in order to get comfortable with it.
I still struggle, because I really want to find a partner and settle down and I haven't been able to. I was of the mindset of, now that I'm open and emotionally available and out there, I'll attract what I need and this will work itself out. But, it hasn't, and I'm really struggling with that for age-related reasons.
I stay on the board not because I'm actively healing further from it but because I found it difficult to find good information on healing this stuff when I was dealing with insecure attachment and didn't even know what it was called, so I want to help make it easier for others where it took me a really long time to find the right sources. It also helps me reinforce looking at things securely within myself by identifying and responding to all these posts with insecure scenarios, and stay in practice recognizing the contrast between my own dysfunctional behaviors and vast history with red flags and past dysfunctional "mistakes" versus more straightforward secure responses. Sometimes if I get stuck wondering about a new potential partner and if I should blame myself for something wonky that seems to be creating unnecessarily complex roadblocks to getting the relationship off the ground, I go back and read objective advice I gave someone else and then take it myself too, lol.
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