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FA cycle
Jan 4, 2020 7:43:31 GMT
via mobile
Post by mrob on Jan 4, 2020 7:43:31 GMT
Hi all Some of you have followed my story about my ex FA who ended things suddenly six weeks ago.i went no contact for a month and then got I touch with him a few days ago to talk (we had agreed we would talk when I was ready) about the r/ship and my feelings about the way things ended etc. He said he wanted to see me sooner rather than later, preferably this weekend,as he wanted to see how I am in myself, and that he was concerned for me (I think feels guilty about the way he ended things) and that the talk is overdue. We had tentative plans for tonight based on whether he could get time away from his kids, which he couldn’t in the end and texted me last night saying so. I was meant to work today but shift was cancelled..so I suggested meeting up today. He told me is busy, and that If I was open to it I could go up to his area of town “some other time” (vague) . ] I’m very triggered by this... feels like he shows interest and some urgency to meet up then when I’m available he can’t make it happen. I get my suggestion for meeting today was last minute so he may genuinely be busy, but just wondering what people’s thoughts are around if this seems like a cycle/avoidance dance going on?! Makes me wonder if I should just pull the pin and not have the talk at all because trying to arrange it with the way it is playing out makes me so anxious “Come up to my end of town sometime” It sounds like He’s not willing to put the effort in. I think that might be your answer. |
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FA cycle
Jan 4, 2020 7:47:10 GMT
via mobile
Post by amber on Jan 4, 2020 7:47:10 GMT
I did offer prior to that to come to him as we live an hour away...he has kids and no one to mind them. But the “some other time” thing could imply he’s not really serious about it. Story of our relationship really.
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FA cycle
Jan 4, 2020 7:50:04 GMT
via mobile
Post by amber on Jan 4, 2020 7:50:04 GMT
You have to feel so neutral about him that his flaking out has no effect on you and that isn't going to be for awhile. Voicing my needs and standing up for them makes me feel incredibly empowered and I bet it will for you too. Just my 2 cents. Spot on, this is where you need to be, it's where I am at with my F-A ex, and helping her become aware. Neutral and ZERO expectation, and knowing the patterns. As Amber discusses above, did exactly the same to me, petty excuses really to not catch up etc, but I could tell she wanted to see me. It's a mindf**k if you have no idea, me being engineering fraternity and a logical thinker, I worked it out in the end! But you must be unattached, that is for sure, lest the intermittent reinforcement cycle will destroy you and cause a great deal of grief. How long did it take you to get to this point where you don’t react? It’s funny, I feel like he wants to see me but is afraid for whatever reason, or playing power games (because the ball was in my court for the month of no contact and now it’s in his)...but I can’t tell if me feeling he wants to see me is just my AP hopeful/fantasy thinking. How to distinguish between intuition and old programming and belief systems playing out?! |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 4, 2020 9:49:19 GMT
Spot on, this is where you need to be, it's where I am at with my F-A ex, and helping her become aware. Neutral and ZERO expectation, and knowing the patterns. As Amber discusses above, did exactly the same to me, petty excuses really to not catch up etc, but I could tell she wanted to see me. It's a mindf**k if you have no idea, me being engineering fraternity and a logical thinker, I worked it out in the end! But you must be unattached, that is for sure, lest the intermittent reinforcement cycle will destroy you and cause a great deal of grief. How long did it take you to get to this point where you don’t react? It’s funny, I feel like he wants to see me but is afraid for whatever reason, or playing power games (because the ball was in my court for the month of no contact and now it’s in his)...but I can’t tell if me feeling he wants to see me is just my AP hopeful/fantasy thinking. How to distinguish between intuition and old programming and belief systems playing out?! Only since i've fully realised she is a Fearful-Avoidant with CPTSD trauma, and I fully realise her behavioural patterns and internal conflict, so only recently since reconnecting in August, I've had ZERO attachment, just friends. It definitely feels like power games, I can identify with that. It's so hard to tell over the net. Considering however he literally has said to you he wants to discuss the relationship, I would suspect there is some interest there. Problem baseline is, if he is unaware......you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't love themselves for who they are, it's heartbreaking I know, they literally can't receive love, true love, only limerence/fantasy bond/codependency love, where my ex will gravitate towards someone she knows will fit the intermittent reinforcement and be able to get away with it for longer, and have sex once/twice a month, maybe catch up every fortnight or once a month, it simply is not normal intimacy levels by any stretch of the imagination, then be devastated when they leave finally because of those "fantasy bond" patterns they end up not accepting. |
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Post by amber on Jan 4, 2020 22:05:06 GMT
How long did it take you to get to this point where you don’t react? It’s funny, I feel like he wants to see me but is afraid for whatever reason, or playing power games (because the ball was in my court for the month of no contact and now it’s in his)...but I can’t tell if me feeling he wants to see me is just my AP hopeful/fantasy thinking. How to distinguish between intuition and old programming and belief systems playing out?! Only since i've fully realised she is a Fearful-Avoidant with CPTSD trauma, and I fully realise her behavioural patterns and internal conflict, so only recently since reconnecting in August, I've had ZERO attachment, just friends. It definitely feels like power games, I can identify with that. It's so hard to tell over the net. Considering however he literally has said to you he wants to discuss the relationship, I would suspect there is some interest there. Problem baseline is, if he is unaware......you can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't love themselves for who they are, it's heartbreaking I know, they literally can't receive love, true love, only limerence/fantasy bond/codependency love, where my ex will gravitate towards someone she knows will fit the intermittent reinforcement and be able to get away with it for longer, and have sex once/twice a month, maybe catch up every fortnight or once a month, it simply is not normal intimacy levels by any stretch of the imagination, then be devastated when they leave finally because of those "fantasy bond" patterns they end up not accepting. It’s very hard to know what his true intentions are,I think partly, because he probably doesn’t even know himself!! From what i understand FA arnt in touch with their feelings and have trouble stating their needs and what they want. So maybe unconscious power games. It’s so sad not being able to receive love...we are wired for love and connection and I have to remind myself the level of pain these people must have endured as children to override the primal need for connection. CPTSD is full on, lovely you are supporting her through this.thats a hard condition to live with.she must have had an awe full lot of trauma to develop this |
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