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Post by indigonight on Jan 5, 2020 20:57:03 GMT
Hi all!
English is not my first language, so excuse me for any mistakes I might make. I'm new here and very happy to have found this!
Currently I'm in therapy because I want to work towards a more secure attachment style. Overall I'm FA in friendships and AP in romantic relationships. All romantic relationships I've had were with men who were either FA or DA and it broke my heart. I never want to experience any of this again because both parties hurt each other so so much. I'm single for over two years now and I've worked so hard to feel more comfortable in my own skin and fight all the anxiety I felt for so long. I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come!
There's only one thing I can't help but feel really anxious about. I'm turning 30 this month and the older I get, the more afraid I get about not finding the right partner. I'm spending more and more time in the dating world and sometimes it seems like the "secure" men are nowhere to be found. Lately I've been really fixated on finding a secure man who wants to have children with me and live happily ever after. I know it may sound irrational but I'm so so scared I'll never find "the love of my life".
Can anyone relate to this?
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pp
New Member
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Post by pp on Jan 7, 2020 3:18:36 GMT
I can totally relate. After 4 LTRs with DA’s, I had decided I’d be alone forever. Then at 35, I met my bf who I was sure was secure. He was amazing. He was so supportive and validated all my feelings and dealt with my anxiety about our relationship with ease.
I’ve never been happier in a relationship than I have been for the last 4 years, but I recently realized he’s dismissive. I know nothing about his life growing up and he doesn’t share his feelings with me unless it’s something huge like his grandma dying or dog being put down.
I’m pretty sure we’ll stay together. But he has to do some major work on sharing with me and being intimate. So there’s still time, is my point.
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 7, 2020 13:50:02 GMT
I realize things might be different where you're from, but in the U.S., especially in big cities, it's not uncommon to still be single at 30.
I'm late 40's, queer, I lean towards anxiously attached, and I live on an island. I definitely have a "scarcity mentality" and feel like I'll never find another life partner.
In the 5 years since I left my marriage to a man, I've had relations with at least 2 women with probable personality disorders. My last serious girlfriend was classic FA with me, but now 7 months later seems both feet in with the woman she dumped me for. Very recently, I got super excited about a woman I met only to have her tell me two dates in that she's "not emotionally available." Believe me, I relate.
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Post by amber on Jan 7, 2020 21:02:59 GMT
I think a lot of people relate to this fear. The only thing within your control is to work on healing your old wounds and attachment issues so you naturally gravitate towards healthier people. That way the chance of a long term fulfilling relationships is higher. I love the saying “rather than looking for the one, become the one first”....do you embody the qualities you are looking for in a partner? Can you offer a partner what you want in them? This is the first and most important step. It’s where I’m at. I’m not even seeking relationship until I first have a more loving and accepting relationship with myself xx
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 7, 2020 22:19:49 GMT
I think a lot of people relate to this fear. The only thing within your control is to work on healing your old wounds and attachment issues so you naturally gravitate towards healthier people. That way the chance of a long term fulfilling relationships is higher. I love the saying “rather than looking for the one, become the one first”....do you embody the qualities you are looking for in a partner? Can you offer a partner what you want in them? This is the first and most important step. It’s where I’m at. I’m not even seeking relationship until I first have a more loving and accepting relationship with myself xx Amber I love this, thank you so much for posting it. This is my only desire too as I've never really had a healthy relationship. I have been loved but addictions have always had to come first so I've always settled for second. Thanks again for your wise words. |
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Post by annieb on Jan 9, 2020 2:54:51 GMT
Hi all! English is not my first language, so excuse me for any mistakes I might make. I'm new here and very happy to have found this! Currently I'm in therapy because I want to work towards a more secure attachment style. Overall I'm FA in friendships and AP in romantic relationships. All romantic relationships I've had were with men who were either FA or DA and it broke my heart. I never want to experience any of this again because both parties hurt each other so so much. I'm single for over two years now and I've worked so hard to feel more comfortable in my own skin and fight all the anxiety I felt for so long. I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come! There's only one thing I can't help but feel really anxious about. I'm turning 30 this month and the older I get, the more afraid I get about not finding the right partner. I'm spending more and more time in the dating world and sometimes it seems like the "secure" men are nowhere to be found. Lately I've been really fixated on finding a secure man who wants to have children with me and live happily ever after. I know it may sound irrational but I'm so so scared I'll never find "the love of my life". Can anyone relate to this? I can definitely relate to this as I am turning 40 in two weeks. And yet I feel I have a lot more clarity also. That having gone through the bad relationships I have clarity that I will always be ok. I never had that feeling, when I was getting into my relationships. I don't know if I am healed, but I no longer feel it's the end of the world if I stay single. There are many single people out there happily contributing to society. Companionship is nice, but it's not end all. |
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Post by indigonight on Jan 22, 2020 21:03:08 GMT
I think a lot of people relate to this fear. The only thing within your control is to work on healing your old wounds and attachment issues so you naturally gravitate towards healthier people. That way the chance of a long term fulfilling relationships is higher. I love the saying “rather than looking for the one, become the one first”....do you embody the qualities you are looking for in a partner? Can you offer a partner what you want in them? This is the first and most important step. It’s where I’m at. I’m not even seeking relationship until I first have a more loving and accepting relationship with myself xx I love this! Thank you. I learned that one of my relationships with a DA was actually traumatic to me. After he left, I didn't even know who I was anymore. For 5 months I regularly woke up with panic attacks, crying hysterically, trying to put the pieces together but nothing made sense. Even though we separated years ago, I still think about him almost every day in a "why her and not me" kind of way, because on top of it all he left me for another woman he cheated on me with for 6 months. Rationally I know that this is my own ego speaking and that it has nothing to do with him. It's my own fear of not being good enough, which means I still have a long way to go. Maybe I'm still not in the right place right now? I don't know. It's really hard sometimes! |
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