Post by confusednyc on Jan 17, 2020 0:18:40 GMT
Hi Everyone! I've been lurking on the forums for a couple of weeks now and want to thank everyone for sharing! It's been helpful.
I am a 45 year old woman and got involved with a 49 year old man about a year ago. He had not dated or been with a woman in any capacity in 12 years! His last partner was an abusive woman and while she dated others, he was sort of waiting in the wings for her. I have an anxious attachment style, but not severely so and it's only really at the start of a relationship and I am good about concealing it -- like I won't obsessively text or call if someone I'm dating disappears on me. I will feel anxious as heck, though! It has been exacerbated by my last relationship where my partner was extremely emotionally abusive (a first for me).
He came on really strong at first and I often wanted him to slow it down. He idealized me and was always saying how I was too good for him; how a woman like me had never been attracted to him, etc. Then the hot and cold began. I won't go into great detail, as all of our stories are similar enough... but we did the break-up/make-up thing a million times. Finally, I was sick of it and stopped reaching out, but would politely respond when he did. Well, after some time of this, he decided he was all in and wanted to spend almost every evening with me. He's back to talking about the future together and tells me he loves me twice (I haven't even said this!). Note: The physical part was hot and heavy at first, but even then, he would avoid it or feel guilty. When I would initiate sex, he would get into it, but then he would tell me he's never had a woman do that and it made him uncomfortable. Same with compliments.
On top of a fearful-avoidant attachment style, he is wildly insecure in every way (abusive stepfather and bullied in school) and whenever we would have sex, he would have performance anxiety and despite my enthusiasm reassurance, he would apologize and be embarrassed. He also has some strong religious beliefs, so he wanted to slow down and delay sex; however, he found it difficult to do when we were together. I do think these are all valid; however, I also think they are excuses to avoid intimacy.
Well, so things were going well and he seemed committed. Then we get into a fight -- he got upset over a pretty benign event. I suggested we take a break. The next day, he texts and says he's so upset about the break. We're back on and things are going well. Fast forward, his daughter gets expelled from a private boarding school. He's upset and when we talk about it, he gets mad and says we shouldn't talk for awhile as he needs to focus on his daughter. I tell him he can't shut me out every time we have differing opinions and that we agreed to stop doing this. He ignores, but eventually texts that he's going through a depression (he has a history of depression) and is numb to all feelings. I tell him I understand and I am here if he needs anything.
We text a little in between, but he is acting distant and cold and this lasts longer than ever before, so I just stop communicating. Then January 1st arrives and he writes, "It's the first! Remember you said we shouldn't talk until the 1st? Happy New Year. Do you want to come over, even if you're seeing someone? I'll behave." I joke that I don't want him to behave. He disappears again. I finally ask why he goes from inviting me over to disappearing again. He says he's just depressed and busy trying to get his life together. By the way, I never said we should stop talking until the 1st. He had conflated that with something else. I decide I'm done. It hurts, but I am feeling strong most of the time.
Next text I get, he tells me he's in the ER. I am naturally concerned and ask him if he needs anything. Two days later, he texts and tells me he's fine. I don't respond. I'm just kinda over the constant disappearing act. Well, he then texts asking if I'm okay. Twice. Then he calls, but I am working so I miss it. He texts again. I am unresponsive.
A day later, he texts me and says he needs to go to the hospital and asks if I will take him. I call him and we plan it and I also just ask what his deal is. He says he has just been trying to get his life in order so he won't be such a drag around me. He says he wants to do things on his own as I've done too much for him. I am a nurturer and I do get things done, so I have helped him and his daughter with many things. He is a pretty unhappy, mess of a man -- dirt poor, messy house, physical issues, depression, erratic work, etc. He told me he thinks about me every day.
So I take him to the hospital -- this is the first time I'd seen him in about six weeks! The next day, I visit him. We kiss passionately, but he shuts it down worried he'll get too excited. Later, a nurse walks in and says, "Is this your beautiful other half?" And he says, "Yes, this is my girlfriend.." I shouldn't have, but I interrupt and say, "That's news to me!" And he corrects it and says, "My friend..." This opens a conversation about our situation. He HATES it, but he is able to do it at times. I even discussed with him our attachment styles and he was like "Yes, that's me and that's you!" So he's good about that if I time it right. And I definitely own my part in pushing him away when I didn't fully understand his behaviors. And I also would try to discuss them with him, which didn't work when he was fired up! I had no idea what I was facing! I am very therapized and have had most exes who could talk about things!
He says he just wants to be sure as friends before we move ahead. He says he's not sure we're compatible, because of how we have conflict. I tell him it's because we never resolve it and our relationship isn't defined. Then I say something and he says "See I want to kiss you when you say that, but I can't." Then he starts saying I am the one who always wants to take a break and starts scrolling to texts to show me. I have been guilty of it, as I had never dealt with someone hot and cold and I took it as he wasn't into me. Anyway, he finally says, "You know what? I'm going to delete these texts. Let's start fresh." And I really appreciated that about him. On the car ride home, he does touch my hand and leg a bit and then he keeps going on about how sweet and perfect I am and how he just never wants to hurt me. I tell him I appreciate it, but he's not responsible for my feelings and my choices and I'm not fragile. When I drop him off, he kisses my mouth and my neck.
So two days later, he texts me about how he's struggling with depression and procrastinating. I send a nice text and he writes back, "You are truly the more amazing person ever!!! Will you come over tomorrow evening and relax with me?" And then later, he writes again, "I'm cleaning the house, so you better be coming over." This is the assertiveness he has when he's not running cold!
Of course, I can't say, "no." haha! When I get there, no hug or anything. Eventually, we are sitting on opposite sides of the couch. At one point, he says "I feel so far away." Then at one point, he puts his hand on mine and rubs it. Eventually, he offers to rub my legs and feet. Then I end up scratching and massaging his head and back. In the past, I would sleep over. Before I could figure out if he was going to offer, I tell him I need to get home. He walks me out and hugs me, but not even a kiss! The next day, I run into him at a store. Just my luck! He says he had a nice time with me and tells me his phone has been cut off and he won't have the money to turn it on for a couple of days.
So... I am feeling stronger and less anxious about this overall and I know I should move on; however, I still have feelings for him and also feelings of hurt and confusion. I know he said he wanted to start fresh and as friends, but the touching and massaging is confusing to me. I want to believe he is still interested and attracted to me, but it is such a weird concept for me to start over physically if you've already been intimate with the person.
I guess I'm trying to understand what's going on now in the context of his FA attachment style. Why does he always call on me when there's an emergency? The hospital wasn't the first time. He is fiercely independent and hates asking for or accepting help AND the "friendships" he does have are all transactional (if they help him, they expect something in return). So it seems on one level, he does trust me and can be vulnerable around me. Again, when the timing is right, he seems to be a little more open than lots of FAs I've read about... and very self-aware. Is the movie night together with the physical touching just the cycle again or is he really just wanting to be friends? And, assuming I wanted to give it another shot, I feel like my best bet is to let him take the lead on all aspects, even physical. BUT this is so hard for me, as he is such a slow-moving 'fraidy cat and we are not that young! Any feedback or suggestions are welcome!
Thanks for taking the time to read!
I am a 45 year old woman and got involved with a 49 year old man about a year ago. He had not dated or been with a woman in any capacity in 12 years! His last partner was an abusive woman and while she dated others, he was sort of waiting in the wings for her. I have an anxious attachment style, but not severely so and it's only really at the start of a relationship and I am good about concealing it -- like I won't obsessively text or call if someone I'm dating disappears on me. I will feel anxious as heck, though! It has been exacerbated by my last relationship where my partner was extremely emotionally abusive (a first for me).
He came on really strong at first and I often wanted him to slow it down. He idealized me and was always saying how I was too good for him; how a woman like me had never been attracted to him, etc. Then the hot and cold began. I won't go into great detail, as all of our stories are similar enough... but we did the break-up/make-up thing a million times. Finally, I was sick of it and stopped reaching out, but would politely respond when he did. Well, after some time of this, he decided he was all in and wanted to spend almost every evening with me. He's back to talking about the future together and tells me he loves me twice (I haven't even said this!). Note: The physical part was hot and heavy at first, but even then, he would avoid it or feel guilty. When I would initiate sex, he would get into it, but then he would tell me he's never had a woman do that and it made him uncomfortable. Same with compliments.
On top of a fearful-avoidant attachment style, he is wildly insecure in every way (abusive stepfather and bullied in school) and whenever we would have sex, he would have performance anxiety and despite my enthusiasm reassurance, he would apologize and be embarrassed. He also has some strong religious beliefs, so he wanted to slow down and delay sex; however, he found it difficult to do when we were together. I do think these are all valid; however, I also think they are excuses to avoid intimacy.
Well, so things were going well and he seemed committed. Then we get into a fight -- he got upset over a pretty benign event. I suggested we take a break. The next day, he texts and says he's so upset about the break. We're back on and things are going well. Fast forward, his daughter gets expelled from a private boarding school. He's upset and when we talk about it, he gets mad and says we shouldn't talk for awhile as he needs to focus on his daughter. I tell him he can't shut me out every time we have differing opinions and that we agreed to stop doing this. He ignores, but eventually texts that he's going through a depression (he has a history of depression) and is numb to all feelings. I tell him I understand and I am here if he needs anything.
We text a little in between, but he is acting distant and cold and this lasts longer than ever before, so I just stop communicating. Then January 1st arrives and he writes, "It's the first! Remember you said we shouldn't talk until the 1st? Happy New Year. Do you want to come over, even if you're seeing someone? I'll behave." I joke that I don't want him to behave. He disappears again. I finally ask why he goes from inviting me over to disappearing again. He says he's just depressed and busy trying to get his life together. By the way, I never said we should stop talking until the 1st. He had conflated that with something else. I decide I'm done. It hurts, but I am feeling strong most of the time.
Next text I get, he tells me he's in the ER. I am naturally concerned and ask him if he needs anything. Two days later, he texts and tells me he's fine. I don't respond. I'm just kinda over the constant disappearing act. Well, he then texts asking if I'm okay. Twice. Then he calls, but I am working so I miss it. He texts again. I am unresponsive.
A day later, he texts me and says he needs to go to the hospital and asks if I will take him. I call him and we plan it and I also just ask what his deal is. He says he has just been trying to get his life in order so he won't be such a drag around me. He says he wants to do things on his own as I've done too much for him. I am a nurturer and I do get things done, so I have helped him and his daughter with many things. He is a pretty unhappy, mess of a man -- dirt poor, messy house, physical issues, depression, erratic work, etc. He told me he thinks about me every day.
So I take him to the hospital -- this is the first time I'd seen him in about six weeks! The next day, I visit him. We kiss passionately, but he shuts it down worried he'll get too excited. Later, a nurse walks in and says, "Is this your beautiful other half?" And he says, "Yes, this is my girlfriend.." I shouldn't have, but I interrupt and say, "That's news to me!" And he corrects it and says, "My friend..." This opens a conversation about our situation. He HATES it, but he is able to do it at times. I even discussed with him our attachment styles and he was like "Yes, that's me and that's you!" So he's good about that if I time it right. And I definitely own my part in pushing him away when I didn't fully understand his behaviors. And I also would try to discuss them with him, which didn't work when he was fired up! I had no idea what I was facing! I am very therapized and have had most exes who could talk about things!
He says he just wants to be sure as friends before we move ahead. He says he's not sure we're compatible, because of how we have conflict. I tell him it's because we never resolve it and our relationship isn't defined. Then I say something and he says "See I want to kiss you when you say that, but I can't." Then he starts saying I am the one who always wants to take a break and starts scrolling to texts to show me. I have been guilty of it, as I had never dealt with someone hot and cold and I took it as he wasn't into me. Anyway, he finally says, "You know what? I'm going to delete these texts. Let's start fresh." And I really appreciated that about him. On the car ride home, he does touch my hand and leg a bit and then he keeps going on about how sweet and perfect I am and how he just never wants to hurt me. I tell him I appreciate it, but he's not responsible for my feelings and my choices and I'm not fragile. When I drop him off, he kisses my mouth and my neck.
So two days later, he texts me about how he's struggling with depression and procrastinating. I send a nice text and he writes back, "You are truly the more amazing person ever!!! Will you come over tomorrow evening and relax with me?" And then later, he writes again, "I'm cleaning the house, so you better be coming over." This is the assertiveness he has when he's not running cold!
Of course, I can't say, "no." haha! When I get there, no hug or anything. Eventually, we are sitting on opposite sides of the couch. At one point, he says "I feel so far away." Then at one point, he puts his hand on mine and rubs it. Eventually, he offers to rub my legs and feet. Then I end up scratching and massaging his head and back. In the past, I would sleep over. Before I could figure out if he was going to offer, I tell him I need to get home. He walks me out and hugs me, but not even a kiss! The next day, I run into him at a store. Just my luck! He says he had a nice time with me and tells me his phone has been cut off and he won't have the money to turn it on for a couple of days.
So... I am feeling stronger and less anxious about this overall and I know I should move on; however, I still have feelings for him and also feelings of hurt and confusion. I know he said he wanted to start fresh and as friends, but the touching and massaging is confusing to me. I want to believe he is still interested and attracted to me, but it is such a weird concept for me to start over physically if you've already been intimate with the person.
I guess I'm trying to understand what's going on now in the context of his FA attachment style. Why does he always call on me when there's an emergency? The hospital wasn't the first time. He is fiercely independent and hates asking for or accepting help AND the "friendships" he does have are all transactional (if they help him, they expect something in return). So it seems on one level, he does trust me and can be vulnerable around me. Again, when the timing is right, he seems to be a little more open than lots of FAs I've read about... and very self-aware. Is the movie night together with the physical touching just the cycle again or is he really just wanting to be friends? And, assuming I wanted to give it another shot, I feel like my best bet is to let him take the lead on all aspects, even physical. BUT this is so hard for me, as he is such a slow-moving 'fraidy cat and we are not that young! Any feedback or suggestions are welcome!
Thanks for taking the time to read!
