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Post by mezzer on Feb 14, 2020 18:47:41 GMT
Hi everyone, thought I would share an update 6 weeks after it all went to sh*t. I am still with my wife, however still very much attached to my AP, my therapist seems to be advocating divorce and the marriage counsellor wants us to do appreciation homework without fully exploring our relationship issues beyond the first session, Heaven forbid we want to talk about the road that brought us here, I dared to mention it and it was brushed off as that’s in the past. I feel terrible for still pining after my AP and am struggling with trying to find ways to rebuild my shattered self worth. Why do we need this external validation so much, I just had the best annual review of my life and a huge bonus to boot and I still feel worthless.
I still cant pin down where these early life attachment wounds developed either, i feel like changing my therapist but I like mine, I just wonder if she has the right skills to help me. Granted I’m a little attached to her too now but more in a big sister kind of way.
Sorry for the random rubbish im just upset
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Post by number9 on Feb 14, 2020 19:06:59 GMT
Hi everyone, thought I would share an update 6 weeks after it all went to sh*t. I am still with my wife, however still very much attached to my AP, my therapist seems to be advocating divorce and the marriage counsellor wants us to do appreciation homework without fully exploring our relationship issues beyond the first session, Heaven forbid we want to talk about the road that brought us here, I dared to mention it and it was brushed off as that’s in the past. I feel terrible for still pining after my AP and am struggling with trying to find ways to rebuild my shattered self worth. Why do we need this external validation so much, I just had the best annual review of my life and a huge bonus to boot and I still feel worthless. I still cant pin down where these early life attachment wounds developed either, i feel like changing my therapist but I like mine, I just wonder if she has the right skills to help me. Granted I’m a little attached to her too now but more in a big sister kind of way. Sorry for the random rubbish im just upset No need to be sorry! This is *not* random rubbish -- this is important and it's good that you are here in the forum. I've suggested it a couple of times on here, but maybe you would get some benefit from the concept of self-compassion. self-compassion.org/Can you imagine if you had a good friend tell you about something like what you wrote above? Imagine you listen a bit, then say: "Well there's a bunch of random rubbish! What's wrong with you!?" - No, right?! I don't think most people would regard and speak to a friend in that way. But too often, we are so cruel to ourselves. When I suggest this idea to people in real life (when they are saying unkind things about themselves), we often can't help but laugh to imagine being so mean. Sometimes if I'm feeling really badly about something, I'll take some of the "self-compassion" advice, and ask myself: "What do I need right now? What words of comfort would I like to hear from someone?" Then I try to tell myself those comforting words -- to know that it's understandable and okay to feel hurt or upset or whatever. We feel sad/lonely/stressed/whatever -- stay with it in the moment, and then it changes to something else, like the weather does. Ha! Maybe this response of mine is just a bunch of random rubbish! But I just hope you can find more love for yourself -- picture a little kid version of you and give them a big hug! |
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Post by mezzer on Feb 14, 2020 20:31:47 GMT
Thank you number9, I needed that, the world is a pretty dark place at the minute, the time you took to write that post to help an internet stranger gives me some hope.
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Post by amber on Feb 16, 2020 1:39:00 GMT
I would say get a new therapist if you’re not happy with them... it can take a few goes to find a good one. Have you heard of emotion focused therapy for couples? It’s meant to be really good. Sounds like you’re in a hard place, and you are giving yourself a hard time for this. It’s ok to have your experience and allow all the emotions, you’ve been through a lot and I think how you are feeling is very natural
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Post by number9 on Feb 16, 2020 3:37:28 GMT
Thank you number9, I needed that, the world is a pretty dark place at the minute, the time you took to write that post to help an internet stranger gives me some hope. I try pretty hard to comfort myself in the darkness -- it hasn't always been easy, but I've become so much kinder to myself. I found this lovely comment on a YouTube video today: "Find that scared little boy or girl that lives inside your heart and hold them close. Look that child in the eyes and tell them that it's going to be alright. We've made it this far and we'll make it through more. It's what we do. We survive." www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdiY6kijYHE |
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Post by mezzer on Feb 16, 2020 20:19:58 GMT
I would say get a new therapist if you’re not happy with them... it can take a few goes to find a good one. Have you heard of emotion focused therapy for couples? It’s meant to be really good. Sounds like you’re in a hard place, and you are giving yourself a hard time for this. It’s ok to have your experience and allow all the emotions, you’ve been through a lot and I think how you are feeling is very natural Thank you for replying, I haven’t heard of emotion focused therapy, its all pretty new to me, I don’t know that this is bad counselling or if it’s just not what I want hear right now, I’m curious to know if therapists should give you advice on how to handle your negative emotions, I don’t cope with them well and could use some practical advice beyond self care. |
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