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Post by DearLover on Sept 3, 2017 10:42:12 GMT
I am not ready to start dating yet, nor I want to meet 'the one' on a dating website but I updated my profile as a guest (not paying) juts to get back out there and tell the universe that I want to have a loving partner in my life. Also to have an idea of what men in my age group are saying, doing, looking for, etc.
I must say that I sadly clearly realised that the way I wrote my last profile let me open to attract players and unavailable men. Perhaps part of me was unavailable too. I have now re-writen the whole thing with more intention and commitment in finding the right person. Lo and behold I don't get as much attention as I used to, even though the photos are way better.
Now, lets talk about what I am seeing in the gentlemen's profiles, the red flash lights going off from the screen:
In this particular website there is a question: relationship sought if a guy chooses the following options: 'let's see what happens' / 'a fling' / 'just friends' / 'short term relationship' ~ He is telling us he isn't serious about finding love...now, my last AD marked all of the above and also 'long term relationship' / 'marriage'
To me this shows incongruence with his wants and needs and a desire to widen the pool of women who would date him.
Next question relationship status. Well we know that the 'married' ones are not available (I've never encountered one of those), what to look for here is 'widowed' 'single' (we will need to investigate closely why he never married before) and 'divorced' (pay attention in how he talks about his ex wife and the reason for the divorce, how they communicate to each other etc..)...But, would date someone who is 'separated' ? if a guy is not divorced yet, for whatever reason, is him really in the position to start a new relationship?
Now, in their own words:
Who he is "Looking for smart company without any drama" - - - (sorry, but if you want woman and relationship you get 'drama', go find a dog or a cat instead)
Who he wants "I don't have a type" - - - (anything will do?)
Next
Who he is "I was married and have a 7 year old daughter. My ex-wife and I have been separated for 4-5 years. We co-habit/co-parent, we have our own spaces in the house and no we aren't intimate" - - - (yes but you still can get a divorce, or just be neighbours or whatever...you don't need to live with your ex to co-parent) (this one was lawyer BTW) - - -"Ah, and saying that is the situation now, doesn't mean that I expect it to be forever. I do seek a partner for the long haul, and I am sure that if/as that developed over time, the consideration of home would too" - - - (so it is up to 'us' to show up as a perfect partner and save him from his messy relationship with his wife???) SMH - - -"I'm not looking to be 'completed' - - - (neither do I but I assume mature people aren't, you don't need to write it down) - - -"That doesn't mean I don't want commitment, nor seek something amazing. I am happy to see where things go when people say what they want. Since separating I've had amazing relationships of all different kinds: open, exclusive, casual, full-on. Ask, be straight with each other, don't settle is my kinda deal." - - -(seriously, he doesn't know what he wants or if he is coming or going, better get off the dating scene and go find himself)
Who he wants "You're likely to be unconventional, irreverent and happy to express your emotional connections - - - (but no drama, remember ladies?)
"I'm looking for someone who complements me" - - - (but didn't he say he wasn't looking to be completed?)
Next...
Ok I will stop for now. I actually have seen a few good profiles out there today...Maybe there is some hope!
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Post by abolish on Sept 3, 2017 11:16:00 GMT
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Post by emkaye on Sept 15, 2017 12:34:14 GMT
I am not ready to start dating yet, nor I want to meet 'the one' on a dating website but I updated my profile as a guest (not paying) juts to get back out there and tell the universe that I want to have a loving partner in my life. Also to have an idea of what men in my age group are saying, doing, looking for, etc. I must say that I sadly clearly realised that the way I wrote my last profile let me open to attract players and unavailable men. Perhaps part of me was unavailable too. I have now re-writen the whole thing with more intention and commitment in finding the right person. Lo and behold I don't get as much attention as I used to, even though the photos are way better. So I'm curious as to how you rewrote your profile to deter the players and unavailable men? I'm still getting a slough of them, although I can screen them out relatively quickly. They usually ghost after about 2 emails, have 2 or less profile pictures and short/vague profiles. They also never seem to want to talk about themselves -- only me. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 15, 2017 16:11:56 GMT
In my old profile I had all the options clicked - - - 'let's see what happens' / 'a fling' / 'just friends' / 'short term relationship' / 'long term relationship' / 'marriage'
Now I have 'long term relationship' and 'marriage'. Even though I am not looking to get married I want to attract marriage oriented men...the ones that are not scared of relationships.
In my old profile I wrote in passing that I had a daughter and that I liked doing as many activities as possible on my child free days when she wasn't at home.
In my new profile I wrote how committed I am to providing a safe, loving and healthy environment for my daughter and how delighted I am to be her parent and to see her grow and develop - - this way I will attract child friendly men with strong fatherly qualities / inclination.
(DA ex mentioned many times that children FREAKED HIM OUT and didn't want nothing to do with his nephew and niece, how could I have accepted that?? I feel deeply ashamed.)
In my old profile I wrote about generic qualities I wanted in a man, any men could fake it, in fact DA ex faked it for 6 months and it took me 3 more to accept his "new" self and let him go
In my new profile I unashamed wrote that I want a committed man and that I am looking for more than a relationship, I want a partnership and nothing less.
I don't mind if I don't get many views, likes and messages. I know the majority, if not all men in the online dating world are probably Avoidants of some sort. I am thinking about deleting my profile anyway because I want to meet my man in real life.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 19:05:22 GMT
Bravo Dear Lover - such great ideas and your willingness not to accept anything "less than" is inspiring. I agree with being absolutely upfront early on - any man who runs at the thought of marriage is unlikely to be stable long term partner. My ex DA used to almost have a panic attack when my kids talked about us getting married - it made me laugh since I have no desire to remarry but in hindsight it was a big red flag since marriage to him was synonymous with responsibility, commitment, actually being there for someone all of which gave him the heebie jeebies!
I'm sure it's good to put yourself out there so to speak, even if just energetically and to confirm to yourself what you really want and need from a relationship - if it serves to deter the wrong men then that's fabulous and it only takes one who is on the same page as you....
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Post by DearLover on Sept 15, 2017 19:37:55 GMT
Thank you.
My profile is 'hidden' at the moment because ex DA is there and there is no way I can't stop him for seeing me. I can 'block' him so his messages wouldn't be delivered or 'hide' him so he doesn't appear on my searches, but he will still be able to see me. I don't think he checks me up and if he does he 'hides' his profile so he doesn't appear on the people who 'saw' me...
I don't think he does look at me anyway but the thought of being there 'in the same room' with him makes me uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't be.
I am almost over him but there is still this annoying residue, questions that I ask myself sometimes: What could I have done differently? Was it all my fault?? Could I have acted better?
Some days are worse than others...
I know that the answer in a big fat NO, I just need it engraved and tattooed on my brain...
Then I can start dating again.
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 15, 2017 19:48:38 GMT
What I've noticed, you'll hear a lot of contradicting words/statements from the mouth of DA. At times it's funny because usually they are very intelligent people but they can't see the fallacy of what they sometimes claim. Do you think that extends to things beyond feelings and desires? Something that used to drive me crazy about my ex was even something completely non relationship he would say one thing one day and then say or do something completely antithetical. Didn't matter if it was his feelings about people using recreational drugs, his personal philosophy, etc. I mean I know over the years people change but it often seemed like absolutely nothing was constant or consistent and I don't think it was because he was lying or trying to keep me off balance. |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 15, 2017 19:58:38 GMT
In my old profile I had all the options clicked - - - 'let's see what happens' / 'a fling' / 'just friends' / 'short term relationship' / 'long term relationship' / 'marriage' Now I have 'long term relationship' and 'marriage'. Even though I am not looking to get married I want to attract marriage oriented men...the ones that are not scared of relationships. In my old profile I wrote in passing that I had a daughter and that I liked doing as many activities as possible on my child free days when she wasn't at home. In my new profile I wrote how committed I am to providing a safe, loving and healthy environment for my daughter and how delighted I am to be her parent and to see her grow and develop - - this way I will attract child friendly men with strong fatherly qualities / inclination. (DA ex mentioned many times that children FREAKED HIM OUT and didn't want nothing to do with his nephew and niece, how could I have accepted that?? I feel deeply ashamed.) In my old profile I wrote about generic qualities I wanted in a man, any men could fake it, in fact DA ex faked it for 6 months and it took me 3 more to accept his "new" self and let him go In my new profile I unashamed wrote that I want a committed man and that I am looking for more than a relationship, I want a partnership and nothing less. I don't mind if I don't get many views, likes and messages. I know the majority, if not all men in the online dating world are probably Avoidants of some sort. I am thinking about deleting my profile anyway because I want to meet my man in real life. These are all great suggestions -- both online and in real life. Yes, I do agree with you that meeting someone in real life would be better. Don't beat yourself down for loving the guy. It's hard not to like the DAs. They come across so charming and mesmorizing at first that's it's nearly impossible not to love them. By the time you realize what a tool they are, it's too late and you're hooked. All you're left with is the false hope that things will return to the way they were even though you know they won't. It's happened to me 2x now, but at least I've educated myself and know how to spot them right off the bat. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 15, 2017 21:31:47 GMT
In my old profile I had all the options clicked - - - 'let's see what happens' / 'a fling' / 'just friends' / 'short term relationship' / 'long term relationship' / 'marriage' Now I have 'long term relationship' and 'marriage'. Even though I am not looking to get married I want to attract marriage oriented men...the ones that are not scared of relationships. In my old profile I wrote in passing that I had a daughter and that I liked doing as many activities as possible on my child free days when she wasn't at home. In my new profile I wrote how committed I am to providing a safe, loving and healthy environment for my daughter and how delighted I am to be her parent and to see her grow and develop - - this way I will attract child friendly men with strong fatherly qualities / inclination. (DA ex mentioned many times that children FREAKED HIM OUT and didn't want nothing to do with his nephew and niece, how could I have accepted that?? I feel deeply ashamed.) In my old profile I wrote about generic qualities I wanted in a man, any men could fake it, in fact DA ex faked it for 6 months and it took me 3 more to accept his "new" self and let him go In my new profile I unashamed wrote that I want a committed man and that I am looking for more than a relationship, I want a partnership and nothing less. I don't mind if I don't get many views, likes and messages. I know the majority, if not all men in the online dating world are probably Avoidants of some sort. I am thinking about deleting my profile anyway because I want to meet my man in real life. These are all great suggestions -- both online and in real life. Yes, I do agree with you that meeting someone in real life would be better. Don't beat yourself down for loving the guy. It's hard not to like the DAs. They come across so charming and mesmorizing at first that's it's nearly impossible not to love them. By the time you realize what a tool they are, it's too late and you're hooked. All you're left with is the false hope that things will return to the way they were even though you know they won't. It's happened to me 2x now, but at least I've educated myself and know how to spot them right off the bat. When I hear or read this word charming, it makes me sick! Makes me want to scream as loud as I can and run away! Are ALL charming men avoidant or NPD? Or is it possible there are some normal secure healthy men who are also charming? I am doing lots of research and stuff and have been through many relationships with complicated men but still getting a grip with it. Just can't handle another heartbreak again, if I manage to open my heart again anyway. |
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 15, 2017 21:58:20 GMT
I think we tend to use the word charming when it's an act. So while someone may be charming and genuine we are less likely to say they are charming and more likely to say they are sweet, nice, polite, chivalrous, etc. but if it turns out to be an act we say charming because there is sort of a too good to be true association with the word. I'm sure there are nice, sweet, carasmatic secure men but not to be too much of a downer, most of them either probably have partners or have a lot of competition for their attentions.
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Post by DearLover on Sept 15, 2017 22:26:59 GMT
I think we tend to use the word charming when it's an act. So while someone may be charming and genuine we are less likely to say they are charming and more likely to say they are sweet, nice, polite, chivalrous, etc. but if it turns out to be an act we say charming because there is sort of a too good to be true association with the word. I'm sure there are nice, sweet, carasmatic secure men but not to be too much of a downer, most of them either probably have partners or have a lot of competition for their attentions. Exactly. They aren't floating around free, unless they are newly reformed or working hard to evolve (just like me from my A~P syndrome)  |
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Post by emkaye on Sept 16, 2017 16:43:44 GMT
I think we tend to use the word charming when it's an act. So while someone may be charming and genuine we are less likely to say they are charming and more likely to say they are sweet, nice, polite, chivalrous, etc. but if it turns out to be an act we say charming because there is sort of a too good to be true association with the word. I'm sure there are nice, sweet, carasmatic secure men but not to be too much of a downer, most of them either probably have partners or have a lot of competition for their attentions. Yes I agree, charming is probably an act but I've fallen for it numerous times. While I agree that the population of genuine, secure men decreases as we age there are still some out there to be found. It just takes time. |
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Post by abolish on Sept 20, 2017 12:37:03 GMT
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Post by neosporin on Dec 15, 2017 6:06:05 GMT
I met my ex on a dating site (mostly FA but some DA traits) and looking back I see the red flags, especially in our first messages. His profile was very brief, a sentence for each section. He tried to pepper in sexual comments early on in the messaging phase. Definitely fast-forwarded and future faked over the first two weeks. Stressed that he was not looking for anything serious but *maybe* with the right woman, but he's still wounded by his phantom ex. Was very against talking on the phone, preferred to text and said talking on the phone felt like an "intrusion". 9 months later and we've only talked on the phone 3 times. It was always text when we were apart.
Loved OKC and Tinder and complained how he saw the same women on both platforms. We're in a huge city so he's really blowing through people on there. Can't seem to meet people organically and would not date if not for online dating.
His Q/A section on his OKC was so far off from who he really was. Not sure if he was lying, or if that's just how he thinks he actually is.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2017 13:01:09 GMT
I am almost over him but there is still this annoying residue, questions that I ask myself sometimes: What could I have done differently? Was it all my fault?? Could I have acted better? Some days are worse than others... I know that the answer in a big fat NO, I just need it engraved and tattooed on my brain... Then I can start dating again. DearLover, It has been 3 months since you wrote this and I assume things may be better than then. All those questions you had in your head and that you convinced yourself that the answer is a NO, they were there for a reason. Of course you don't need any guilt during the moments of grief, that feeling is devastating enough and I understand why you have pushed them out of your mind back then. However I would like to encourage to reflect again on you actions. It is probably true that the relationship would not have worked anyway. But the fact that you were in a LTR with this individual also shows that there are sides of yourself in which you need to work on. You do not want to come back to this forum for a similar problem in your next relationship. Reflect on your actions, look at your contribution to the drama and work on that. Self awareness means nothing if you don't put it into practice and rewire your brain. Best ComeHereGoAway I am going to take a bit of a different approach.... DearLover.....how I so relate...the need to understand what went wrong...and whether it was because of something we did is a very, very young part. It comes from wanting our caregiver(s) to love us in a consistent way when what we received was inconsistent so by our very nature...we question our role. We question whether we are to blame...because as a child...it sn't ok to make it the caregiver's fault..so the question turns against us. I know that for me...that question deflects me from embracing myself wholly as it keeps my focus squarely on "him". In truth...that question is not at all about the relationship with my ex...it is bigger...it truly is..am I ok being the messy, sometimes needy but incredibly worthy person that I am? Can I truly embrace all of who I am even when my attachment system is telling me something is wrong and needs to be addressed. I don't know if you are in any way AP....but for an AP....I don't think being "solution based" works as well as learning to love ourselves for who we are and surrounding ourselves with friends who do the same and being that consistent parent to our little part that we did not have. I wish you well on your journey. |
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