|
|
Post by neosporin on Dec 18, 2017 4:39:53 GMT
OP, if you're still around, what I take from your story and countless others I've read (and my own experience), avoidants (DA and FA) pine and "love" those who aren't available to them. Be it because that person is not interested in them, or that person treats them like crap, or is married, or long distance... if that person is unavailable in any way then the avoidant does not have their intimacy issues triggered and that is mistaken for love or desire.
My ex refers to a woman as love of his life. The catch? She's married and will never leave her husband.
Now if she ever divorced him and ran towards my ex with open arms?
That dream will die pretty quickly.
They feel safe to love what they know they can't have. It's just another maneuver to avoid intimacy. Simple as that.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2017 15:42:26 GMT
I date because if I didn't my life at night would be very boring and I also enjoy getting my needs met sexually. The difference with myself is that I will be completely honest with them if the subject of exclusivity or relationship comes up. I am not hiding the fact that I am currently unavailable and will openly discuss it if one of these women want to get more serious. I agree with others who have said that it would be best to be upfront. You are getting your needs met...but what about the women you are with...I have known many women who have sex with a guy in hopes it will lead to something long term. Being a placeholder is no fun if that isn't what you ultimately desire. I agree it's best to be upfront, but if it were only that easy. I have often sought fwbs and even though I told them up front it was casual, they often still want more (yes, these are men). I never understood the fantasy ex. I had one serious relationship and I was so sick of his actions by the time we broke up, he could never be the fantasy ex. He was so anxious, I had to get a restraining order to stop him from contacting me and sitting outside my house. I wonder if the fantasy exes are not even real exes, but someone they had a casual affair with. Sort of like "the one who got away" rather than a real relationship ex? |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2017 15:50:46 GMT
I agree with others who have said that it would be best to be upfront. You are getting your needs met...but what about the women you are with...I have known many women who have sex with a guy in hopes it will lead to something long term. Being a placeholder is no fun if that isn't what you ultimately desire. I agree it's best to be upfront, but if it were only that easy. I have often sought fwbs and even though I told them up front it was casual, they often still want more (yes, these are men). I never understood the fantasy ex. I had one serious relationship and I was so sick of his actions by the time we broke up, he could never be the fantasy ex. He was so anxious, I had to get a restraining order to stop him from contacting me and sitting outside my house. I wonder if the fantasy exes are not even real exes, but someone they had a casual affair with. Sort of like "the one who got away" rather than a real relationship ex? I wonder that as well Mary. I also think there may be an ideal that is not shared but that every partner is compared against. My last boyfriend used to say that he would "know" the one when he met her. |
|
|
|
Post by stellar1969 on Dec 18, 2017 16:25:53 GMT
I agree with others who have said that it would be best to be upfront. You are getting your needs met...but what about the women you are with...I have known many women who have sex with a guy in hopes it will lead to something long term. Being a placeholder is no fun if that isn't what you ultimately desire. I agree it's best to be upfront, but if it were only that easy. I have often sought fwbs and even though I told them up front it was casual, they often still want more (yes, these are men). I never understood the fantasy ex. I had one serious relationship and I was so sick of his actions by the time we broke up, he could never be the fantasy ex. He was so anxious, I had to get a restraining order to stop him from contacting me and sitting outside my house. I wonder if the fantasy exes are not even real exes, but someone they had a casual affair with. Sort of like "the one who got away" rather than a real relationship ex? Mary, The Fantasy exes are very real, at least for some people. My DA ex told me he didn't want a girlfriend , but if his ex ever came back around he would drop everything and everyone for her. I think his real issues started after she basically ghosted him after four years together when she went off to finish college elsewhere. She was his high school sweetheart, got a single in the dorms so they had a place to be together and yet, even though she ghosted him after leaving town and promising to do a LDR, she just disappeared. Im pretty sure his issues are from childhood, as most of ours are, but I believe this experience, so early in his romantic life, so traumatic, had huge ramifications on him. He also has the fantasy woman, the one that he says he is love with, but like Neosporin said, if she ever because available he would run away, fast. I loved this man for real and he couldn't even let it in. I wasnt his type, even though we were amazing lovers for 18 months. I let it go, finally. I am healing, finally. I think about him everyday. Today I am planning a ritual though. I am going to let go of all the people and their energies that did not promote love and support in my life. Im looking forward to it. |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Dec 18, 2017 17:53:11 GMT
Number of people I have dated in my life = maybe 40 or 50?
Number of those people who were "the one" or thought were "the one"? = maybe 1 or 2
Number of people I have dated and blown hot and cold on, cheated on, messed around or otherwise treated inconsiderately = 0
So my point is really that feeling someone you are dating isn't "the one" isn't an excuse for bad behavior while you're dating them. If you feel someone isn't "the one", you simply thank them and respectfully move on to keep looking for someone you feel better suited to. There is no need to mess with the person's head or behave in hurtful ways.
The FA I dated also told me that when he met "the one", he would know and he'd stop all his bad behavior. I am sure I wasn't "the one", but it's pretty immature and also potentially even emotionally abusive to date someone, behave badly, then tell them that the reason you behaved badly was that they weren't "the one". It's like blaming someone else for your own crappy behavior. Or worse than that, it's like telling them they are not worth anything more. And actually it's not someone being "the one" that makes them worthy of decent treatment - it's their existence.
Treat everyone you date nicely - not just "the one".
I personally don't believe it for a second, this guy will still be looking for "the one" at his 80th birthday party. He's 47 and hasn't found it. Every single person doesn't feel quite right. It's just a way of him avoiding all personal responsibility by basically saying if the woman was better, he would be better.
Come on!
Fantasy ex wise, I think maybe the same applies. I've pined after exes but I've never made anyone else feel crappy.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 14:18:06 GMT
Number of people I have dated in my life = maybe 40 or 50? Number of those people who were "the one" or thought were "the one"? = maybe 1 or 2 Number of people I have dated and blown hot and cold on, cheated on, messed around or otherwise treated inconsiderately = 0 So my point is really that feeling someone you are dating isn't "the one" isn't an excuse for bad behavior while you're dating them. If you feel someone isn't "the one", you simply thank them and respectfully move on to keep looking for someone you feel better suited to. There is no need to mess with the person's head or behave in hurtful ways. The FA I dated also told me that when he met "the one", he would know and he'd stop all his bad behavior. I am sure I wasn't "the one", but it's pretty immature and also potentially even emotionally abusive to date someone, behave badly, then tell them that the reason you behaved badly was that they weren't "the one". It's like blaming someone else for your own crappy behavior. Or worse than that, it's like telling them they are not worth anything more. And actually it's not someone being "the one" that makes them worthy of decent treatment - it's their existence. Treat everyone you date nicely - not just "the one". I personally don't believe it for a second, this guy will still be looking for "the one" at his 80th birthday party. He's 47 and hasn't found it. Every single person doesn't feel quite right. It's just a way of him avoiding all personal responsibility by basically saying if the woman was better, he would be better. Come on! Fantasy ex wise, I think maybe the same applies. I've pined after exes but I've never made anyone else feel crappy. Wow Yasmin...nicely put...I have dated only 5 men....I don't count the 2 Narcs as it wasn't dating from their side at all. What this post and several others are revealing to me is that I was looking for the exceptions versus the similarities between my ex and the others I have read about on this board. Mine just wasn't that overt...his texts are (for the most part) really caring. So what, I would tell myself, if he told me I wasn't the one and instead said he was dating me because he could show me love and boost my confidence...that isn't a huge glaring red flag. There were these really odd comments that were thrown into normal conversations and instead of calling them out...I just ignored them. Yours sounds like a particuliar doozy.....and I agree that he likely will be pining for the "one" forever. |
|
