Post by david21 on Dec 7, 2017 0:57:59 GMT
After stumbling across "dismissive love avoidant" (a totally new discovery for me) and subsequently stumbling across this website/forum I've decided to nervously make my first post.
I'm about a month out of a 4 month relationship with a women that can only be described as odd. In an effort to find answers I found my online queries leading to something called Dismissive Love Avoidant. I must say, a lot of what I read sure hits home. However, and maybe only naturally, I'm still second guessing myself. I thought I would list some of the strange behaviour in point form and see what others here thought about it. (For what it's worth I am 32 and she is 27).
- The first thing that puzzled me was a lack of communication via technology. Very few texts (no phone calls). Typically, at the beginning stages of a relationship there is a lot of that as you're naturally excited about one another. I found it odd that it was physically really difficult to communicate with her. When I brought this up she explained that she doesn't like the phone and isn't much of a texter.
- Wanted to take things VERY slow as in the past she felt overwhelmed and "smothered" by men.
- Extreme workaholic, working a minimum of 60-70 hours a week with only one day off a week. She was very upfront about this (which I respected) and made it very clear her career was her priority. Little did I know how much this would prove to be the case. Her job was always put before me. However, I kept my mouth shut and supported her.
- A strange, seemingly lack of overall interest in the relationship. I remember thinking to myself, geeze, for someone wanting a relationship she sure doesn't seem very keen? In fact, there wasn't really a "honeymoon" period at all. No excitement, can't wait to see you's etc.
- Extremely one sided on my part with me putting in way, WAY more effort than her. Some examples of this are: Alwaya being the one to line up dates/getting together, carried out many small, kind gestures during our time together. Which in my opinion is quite normal, particularly in the early stages of the relationship. Flowers, a few odd jobs around her place that I know she didn't have a lot of time for, a gift certificate one time to her favourite breakfast place. You know, just little things that said, hey, I was thinking of you. At no time during our 4 months together did she do anything of the same for me. Not one small gesture. Furthermore, whenever I did these things, her reactions, or thankyou's, were just plain awkward. I can't even describe it in words. Just so...empty?. Very very awkward and uncomfortable.
- Absolutely zero emotion. Good or bad. And I mean NO emotion. Always the same. Which at first was kind of refreshing. But it just became strange.
- A history of few, short lived relationships. Openly admitted to having several friends with benefits arrangements. One lasting 3 years!
- An admittance to a recent long distance, year long emotional affair with a married man. Which at one point became physical when she went to visit him. She didn't talk a lot about him but did say she was very hurt by him. However I stumbled across her diary and while I hate to admit, it I read it. Most was about him and it was clear she was over the top about him. I felt very hurt wondering why she couldn't say or feel these things for me? I never brought it up and she still doesn't know I saw it.
- Very vague and almost secretive about her past or past relationships. Whenever I tried to learn more about her or ask her questions about either I always got what seemed to be very vague responses. It almost felt as if she was keeping secrets. Although I never confirmed that.
- Very little physical affection. Absolutely hated hugs and her kisses lacked any passion to say the least - a very small peck on the lips. She did however hold my hand while we were out and about. She didn't walk ahead of me either like I have read so many seem to do.
- Sex was very much like the relationship itself - one sided. In fact she didn't touch me when we were intimate in a sexual manor at all. This really puzzled me as you'd think in the early stages of a relationship you'd be keen to "explore" one another's bodies? In fact, after the first time we had sex, laying in bed afterwards she said to me, "sex doesn't really mean anything to me." I remember being like...huh?!? When I brought this up the following week she stated, "I'm just not the type of girl who makes love." Again, odd!
- Really great with her friends/co-workers and or strangers. I remember always feeling like, "why can't she be like that with me?".
- Nearing the end of the relationship she flew back home to visit family. She had to be at the airport for 4:30AM. Naturally I offered to spent the night and drive her there in the morning. Two weeks after her return I myself had to fly somewhere for work. I had to be at the airport for 6:30AM. I couldn't find a ride and ended up having to drive myself and pay $56.00 in parking. At no point did she offer to return the favour and stay at my place the night prior to drop me off in the morning. In fact, she chose to go out with friends the night before...
- Absolutely no communication skills. Would not communicate with me what-so-ever. Whenever I tried to bring up some of the issues I had she would shut down and or just sweep things under the rug. She also would constantly refer to me as "soooo emotional". I was made to feel my needs were not important and as a result would find myself just keeping my thoughts to myself. This eventually became a very lonely existence within the relationship.
- Never asked me any in-depth questions about my life, past, family...nothing. I lost my mother at 16 which I brought up twice. You'd think that would be something that your partner would want to know more about. What happened? How did you manage? What was she like? What did she do for a living? Nothing. Not once. Matter of fact, no real depth to her at all. Conversations were mainly focused on surface level stuff. Never any "heart to hearts".
- No chemistry/connection at all. It's like we skipped the honeymoon period right off the bat. I mean, how could there be a connection when she remained so closed off? This is what confuses me the most as from what I've read it suggests that they always come on strong at the beginning. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my case. She was like this from the get-go.
The demise of the relationship came as a result of me trying to voice my concerns of many of these issues. Primarily her inability to open up and be vulnerable even in the smallest form. She would say how relationships are supposed to be easy and not work. I tried to explain to her how relationships have a way of bringing out both the best and the worst in individuals, offering one another an opportunity to work and grow as individuals together. She wasn't having it and staying true to her no emotional demeanour wanted it done. I tried to reach out after a couple of week to see if she would reconsider. She wasn't interested and said she didn't realize how much the relationship was taking over her life, how she didn't see how her work was suffering and how she always felt guilty about working so much. Here's the thing though. We only saw each other two nights a week (3 at the most) one of which was the night prior to her day off. Nor did I EVER suggest that she worked to much. I was always 100% supportive. She finished by telling me she needed to find someone who worked more. But when we first started dating, she made it clear she wanted someone who doesn't work as much as her as dating another man like that just wouldn't work for her. And now she's telling me she needs to find someone who works more??? It was all and still is so confusing.
I'm about a month out of a 4 month relationship with a women that can only be described as odd. In an effort to find answers I found my online queries leading to something called Dismissive Love Avoidant. I must say, a lot of what I read sure hits home. However, and maybe only naturally, I'm still second guessing myself. I thought I would list some of the strange behaviour in point form and see what others here thought about it. (For what it's worth I am 32 and she is 27).
- The first thing that puzzled me was a lack of communication via technology. Very few texts (no phone calls). Typically, at the beginning stages of a relationship there is a lot of that as you're naturally excited about one another. I found it odd that it was physically really difficult to communicate with her. When I brought this up she explained that she doesn't like the phone and isn't much of a texter.
- Wanted to take things VERY slow as in the past she felt overwhelmed and "smothered" by men.
- Extreme workaholic, working a minimum of 60-70 hours a week with only one day off a week. She was very upfront about this (which I respected) and made it very clear her career was her priority. Little did I know how much this would prove to be the case. Her job was always put before me. However, I kept my mouth shut and supported her.
- A strange, seemingly lack of overall interest in the relationship. I remember thinking to myself, geeze, for someone wanting a relationship she sure doesn't seem very keen? In fact, there wasn't really a "honeymoon" period at all. No excitement, can't wait to see you's etc.
- Extremely one sided on my part with me putting in way, WAY more effort than her. Some examples of this are: Alwaya being the one to line up dates/getting together, carried out many small, kind gestures during our time together. Which in my opinion is quite normal, particularly in the early stages of the relationship. Flowers, a few odd jobs around her place that I know she didn't have a lot of time for, a gift certificate one time to her favourite breakfast place. You know, just little things that said, hey, I was thinking of you. At no time during our 4 months together did she do anything of the same for me. Not one small gesture. Furthermore, whenever I did these things, her reactions, or thankyou's, were just plain awkward. I can't even describe it in words. Just so...empty?. Very very awkward and uncomfortable.
- Absolutely zero emotion. Good or bad. And I mean NO emotion. Always the same. Which at first was kind of refreshing. But it just became strange.
- A history of few, short lived relationships. Openly admitted to having several friends with benefits arrangements. One lasting 3 years!
- An admittance to a recent long distance, year long emotional affair with a married man. Which at one point became physical when she went to visit him. She didn't talk a lot about him but did say she was very hurt by him. However I stumbled across her diary and while I hate to admit, it I read it. Most was about him and it was clear she was over the top about him. I felt very hurt wondering why she couldn't say or feel these things for me? I never brought it up and she still doesn't know I saw it.
- Very vague and almost secretive about her past or past relationships. Whenever I tried to learn more about her or ask her questions about either I always got what seemed to be very vague responses. It almost felt as if she was keeping secrets. Although I never confirmed that.
- Very little physical affection. Absolutely hated hugs and her kisses lacked any passion to say the least - a very small peck on the lips. She did however hold my hand while we were out and about. She didn't walk ahead of me either like I have read so many seem to do.
- Sex was very much like the relationship itself - one sided. In fact she didn't touch me when we were intimate in a sexual manor at all. This really puzzled me as you'd think in the early stages of a relationship you'd be keen to "explore" one another's bodies? In fact, after the first time we had sex, laying in bed afterwards she said to me, "sex doesn't really mean anything to me." I remember being like...huh?!? When I brought this up the following week she stated, "I'm just not the type of girl who makes love." Again, odd!
- Really great with her friends/co-workers and or strangers. I remember always feeling like, "why can't she be like that with me?".
- Nearing the end of the relationship she flew back home to visit family. She had to be at the airport for 4:30AM. Naturally I offered to spent the night and drive her there in the morning. Two weeks after her return I myself had to fly somewhere for work. I had to be at the airport for 6:30AM. I couldn't find a ride and ended up having to drive myself and pay $56.00 in parking. At no point did she offer to return the favour and stay at my place the night prior to drop me off in the morning. In fact, she chose to go out with friends the night before...
- Absolutely no communication skills. Would not communicate with me what-so-ever. Whenever I tried to bring up some of the issues I had she would shut down and or just sweep things under the rug. She also would constantly refer to me as "soooo emotional". I was made to feel my needs were not important and as a result would find myself just keeping my thoughts to myself. This eventually became a very lonely existence within the relationship.
- Never asked me any in-depth questions about my life, past, family...nothing. I lost my mother at 16 which I brought up twice. You'd think that would be something that your partner would want to know more about. What happened? How did you manage? What was she like? What did she do for a living? Nothing. Not once. Matter of fact, no real depth to her at all. Conversations were mainly focused on surface level stuff. Never any "heart to hearts".
- No chemistry/connection at all. It's like we skipped the honeymoon period right off the bat. I mean, how could there be a connection when she remained so closed off? This is what confuses me the most as from what I've read it suggests that they always come on strong at the beginning. That couldn't be farther from the truth in my case. She was like this from the get-go.
The demise of the relationship came as a result of me trying to voice my concerns of many of these issues. Primarily her inability to open up and be vulnerable even in the smallest form. She would say how relationships are supposed to be easy and not work. I tried to explain to her how relationships have a way of bringing out both the best and the worst in individuals, offering one another an opportunity to work and grow as individuals together. She wasn't having it and staying true to her no emotional demeanour wanted it done. I tried to reach out after a couple of week to see if she would reconsider. She wasn't interested and said she didn't realize how much the relationship was taking over her life, how she didn't see how her work was suffering and how she always felt guilty about working so much. Here's the thing though. We only saw each other two nights a week (3 at the most) one of which was the night prior to her day off. Nor did I EVER suggest that she worked to much. I was always 100% supportive. She finished by telling me she needed to find someone who worked more. But when we first started dating, she made it clear she wanted someone who doesn't work as much as her as dating another man like that just wouldn't work for her. And now she's telling me she needs to find someone who works more??? It was all and still is so confusing.
