soho
Junior Member
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Post by soho on Dec 25, 2017 8:41:53 GMT
I'm finally reading all of No More Mr Nice Guy, I had only read some parts until now. The book tells you how women seek for masculinety and not for someone who pleases them all the time. A must read for all AP men, I believe.
I'm really shocked about the idea that due to the fact I, as a AP, was so trying to be a nice guy to my DA wife I became unactractive to her. However, I m not sure if things will really change when I focus more on myself and try to please her less. When my wife is getting less attention she seems to no longer need me at all, as if we no longer have a relationship if I invest less in us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 5:24:35 GMT
That's interesting you say it's for AP men. I saw it listed on a website for DA men, probably because it involves learning to be less conflict avoidant, more communicative, etc.
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Post by stavs on Dec 26, 2017 16:08:00 GMT
I just purchased this book. So what are your main thoughts? Probably to early to tell, but any changes?
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Post by stavs on Dec 27, 2017 0:18:10 GMT
I'm a little over half way through the book so far....very eye opening. Thank you for suggesting it.
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by soho on Dec 27, 2017 8:02:36 GMT
The message of the book: Only when you're not a doormat you can get respect from people and become attractive.
By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves. You become unactractive. The fix is to start breaking free, by focussing on their own passions, needs, gathering with male friends and copying their behavior in case of doubt.
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 28, 2017 16:40:43 GMT
Sounds like the message is be yourself, take care of yourself and the right people, friends/lovers will notice you and want to be a part of this awesome life you have created.
Don't need a book for that. lol
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 29, 2017 1:29:21 GMT
I'm not familiar with the contents if the book, but it sounds somewhat like the texts written on being an 'alpha male', the 'red pill' nethod etc. The issue I have with those is that they advise using avoidant behaviours as a tool for getting a potential partner hooked on the intermittent reinforcement that has led a lot of pain for many people on these forums.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 1:54:06 GMT
I'm not familiar with the contents if the book, but it sounds somewhat like the texts written on being an 'alpha male', the 'red pill' nethod etc. The issue I have with those is that they advise using avoidant behaviours as a tool for getting a potential partner hooked on the intermittent reinforcement that has led a lot of pain for many people on these forums. There is a similiar book for women which advises women to have a full independent life....i.e. Don't be too easy. |
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 29, 2017 1:57:25 GMT
I'm not familiar with the contents if the book, but it sounds somewhat like the texts written on being an 'alpha male', the 'red pill' nethod etc. The issue I have with those is that they advise using avoidant behaviours as a tool for getting a potential partner hooked on the intermittent reinforcement that has led a lot of pain for many people on these forums. There is a similiar book for women which advises women to have a full independent life....i.e. Don't be too easy. Yeah, I feel like those sorts of books keep the cycle going. I'm not a big fan of playing games within dating / relationships. Those are a big red flag. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 2:06:00 GMT
There is a similiar book for women which advises women to have a full independent life....i.e. Don't be too easy. Yeah, I feel like those sorts of books keep the cycle going. I'm not a big fan of playing games within dating / relationships. Those are a big red flag. Me either. I have a coworker who said I allowed my ex to leave me and had I just "played the game" we would still be together..i.e. I had to become more callous and uncaring and ignore him....the fact is...I love and care about my ex very much and I would never play games with his heart. |
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Post by mrcamper on Dec 29, 2017 5:09:09 GMT
I'm finally reading all of No More Mr Nice Guy, I had only read some parts until now. The book tells you how women seek for masculinety and not for someone who pleases them all the time. A must read for all AP men, I believe. I'm really shocked about the idea that due to the fact I, as a AP, was so trying to be a nice guy to my DA wife I became unactractive to her. However, I m not sure if things will really change when I focus more on myself and try to please her less. When my wife is getting less attention she seems to no longer need me at all, as if we no longer have a relationship if I invest less in us. Thank you for that wonderful (and truly horrible) emotional description. I can very much relate to chasing a DA wife like a little puppy. Then, pulling away and manning up and she couldn't care less. So glad to be free of it. So sad, but I did all that I was emotionally capable of at the time. I'm free. |
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by soho on Dec 29, 2017 7:56:15 GMT
Yeah, I feel like those sorts of books keep the cycle going. I'm not a big fan of playing games within dating / relationships. Those are a big red flag. Me either. I have a coworker who said I allowed my ex to leave me and had I just "played the game" we would still be together..i.e. I had to become more callous and uncaring and ignore him....the fact is...I love and care about my ex very much and I would never play games with his heart. I m open for all feedback but even though it can become a game the purpose of the book is not about this, it s about breaking free and getting the life you want. I have to admit I currently don t have any close friends, I never go out, don t have any hobbies. I just go to work, take care of my kids and family as much as I can. I do read, watch tv, listen to music and sport once a week, but the other fun I seek in my relationship. And this puts pressure on my wife. I put a lot of energy in the relationship but I clearly want things in return. My mission is no to start really brealing free. |
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Post by jayber on Dec 30, 2017 13:45:38 GMT
I'm finally reading all of No More Mr Nice Guy, I had only read some parts until now. The book tells you how women seek for masculinety and not for someone who pleases them all the time. A must read for all AP men, I believe. I'm really shocked about the idea that due to the fact I, as a AP, was so trying to be a nice guy to my DA wife I became unactractive to her. However, I m not sure if things will really change when I focus more on myself and try to please her less. When my wife is getting less attention she seems to no longer need me at all, as if we no longer have a relationship if I invest less in us. The most important relationship you are going to have with anyone in your entire life is with yourself. You will be with you right until the last breath, so having an awesome relationship with yourself is essential. By putting yourself first and focusing on your needs, you start becoming super attractive. Why? Because if you know how to look after yourself, love yourself and understand how to attend to your emotional needs, you will know instinctively how to respond to others - and also very importantly - when to stay back and realise that other people (like your wife) may have their own shit which you are not responsible for attending to. You'll also create boundaries as you start to realise what behaviour you will and will not tolerate from others. Again, this is super attractive because you're the guy who won't waste time on dicks. The logic is a bit like on those airplane instructions of putting on the oxygen mask first before helping others i.e. when you've looked after yourself first, you will be so much better able to help others - that's the real attraction. You are in charge of your own life and you have the power to create, do and be anything that you want. If someone wants to be a part of that, they need to step up and contribute on an equal fair field as well. You can only carry half the relationship, not all of it. |
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Post by 1wthlyf on Dec 30, 2017 16:29:05 GMT
I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy several times and bought all of Dr. Glover's older podcasts (a couple hundred of them). What jayber states is accurate.
It's not about being an Alpha Male, it's about realizing that a 'nice guy' has AP qualities, and a lot of hidden anger and rage. This causes expectations to be placed on the partner in relationships such that resentment is built up when the partner doesn't 'meet' these expectations.
The partner is made to be a very important part of the Nice Guy's life, and this causes a lot of conflict in the relationship. The Nice Guy/AP needs to do the inner work to become aware of the internal emotional issues that are driving these expectations.
Once enough inner work is done, the Nice Guy/AP becomes what Dr. Glover states as the Nice Guy with Balls Dropped. Essentially, he's become a man with inner resolve and knowing that the partner in his life ISN'T his life - s/he's moves from being the entirety of his life (ALL the ingredients of his life) to only being the icing on his 'great cake of a life'. He's become a full man, and can self-soothe, and he 'invites' his partner to join his life and they move forward in enjoyment.
This is a wonderful approach that basically changed my life and impacted my last relationship. The more I focused on me and my healing and my needs, which I had to meet internally, the less conflict there was in the relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2017 16:54:50 GMT
As I said earlier, I saw this as a recommended book for DA's to basically improve communication and become more integrated.
For anyone who has read it, can you comment on that? Would it be helpful for all types?
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