How does a DA get married and/or stayed married

missyb, I'm a secure who was in a relationship with a FA.

Firstly, I hear so much pain in your replies. It is wonderful that you beat an addiction and have made the effort to change yourself and I'm sure that wasn't easy at all and you are to be commended for that effort. The people that you call friends and family are also very grateful for the effort you have made. I can't remember, did you mention how long you were addicted to alcohol before you decided to get help? Most people who have an addiction to a substance know that it isn't right. They know that their behavior hurts people but something inside them makes them crave that substance despite knowing it is wrong. 

Was there ever a time when someone you know tried to recover on their own that said, that's it no more! Then after a time thought, well it's been a while since I had a drink, I think I could handle it now. Then with one sip, they were back on the wagon.

Eventually you faced your addiction head on. You aknowledge that you had a problem and you sought out help and you DID IT! YOU MADE THE CHANGE! And all I can say is WOW! But I have heard, and correct me if I am wrong "Once an addict, always an addict." I was married to an alcoholic, who was most likely a DA and he had become sober before I met him but he still considered himself an alcoholic. He completely abstained from alcohol, he had to continually make that choice.

So you are 100% correct, someone with a dysfunctional attachment style needs to face it and do something about it, period. But I think maybe for those individuals it is a process.

Is it possible that DAs are dealing with some sort of addiction too. They want love like everyone else, it is natural but they may truly not know what healthy love looks like. Some are "intoxicated" with the believe that the initial stages of a relationship, the infatuation stage, is what love is. Once that cools off they feel so disappointed, give up and start looking for a way out so they can start again. The more that happens the more disappointed they are in themselves. They do, like you said, need to abstain, "put down the bottle" so-to-speak, but they for some reason can't yet.

They may stay out of relationships for a while but then think, ok I think I am ready I can date again. But they haven't really worked out the base issues that led to the addiction and they are in denial that they really have a problem they project and blame. Anxious people do the same thing.

The poster, lucky, is very unique, she is a recovering DA, There are many recovering APs on the broad, even some recovering Secures like myself. This stuff hurts everyone, just like when someone has a substance abuse problem.

I'm not judging anyone, I don't feel I have the right to, But what it comes down to for me is choices. We all have to make decisions.

DAs have to get to that point where they see the need and choose to get help. APs need to choose to let go until they do. They need to work on becoming more secure. Secures must work to maintain balance so they don't loose themselves.

The hurt that you feel is valid but I think the hurt that avoidants feel is valid too. There are some people who will just not be strong enough like you were to get the help they need. That takes a lot of humility and courage. That is very unfortunate for those people and the people who choose to love them. Those involved with such individuals have to also be strong and brave and learn that they can decide not to deal with that kind of behavior, set up boundaries and stick to them.

This isn't easy for anyone here. We've all been hurt in one way or another. We should commend all those trying to become secure in relating to others because there are a lot of people on both ends of the spectrum who choose not to and continue to hurt others.

I don't think lucky is trying to excuse her behavior or that of other avoidants, she's just trying to describe what it feels like to deal with something like that. I don't think tnr9 is trying to excuse DAs either, I think she has a lot of compassion in her heart, she deeply loves and avoidant person and she knows how she suffers internally as an anxious person. She empathizes, But it is important for her not to become an enabler. Compassion also has to be balanced.

Every day we all have choices to make and our choices do affect others positively and negatively. And yes, it makes me angry too when people who need help won't get it. But we can choose to be respectful of the ones that do. And we can choose to stay clear of the ones who don't, as you stated in one of your posts.

I guess it all boils down to choices, and we can't control what another person chooses to do.

Sure, at 49 a married man with a child should grow up.

Honestly, to me it sounds like it's time for you to make a choice too. A married man with a child with no intentions of solidifying his relationship with you who is knowingly and narcissistically using you as a source of narcissistic supply doesn't sound like someone I would want to invest much of my time waiting around for. He seems to give you just enough "reward" to keep you hanging on.

May I ask, is there maybe something you are avoiding? Why not look for someone who is more clearly available? Are you afraid, by chance, of becoming vulnerable with someone else? Is is possible that this toxic relationship has become your new normal and it feels stable and secure in that it doesn't change? Could it be that you know what to expect even if it is dysfunctional so it has become comfortable and you've grown, in a weird way, fond of the pain?


You are miserable. Is the pain worth the temporary "high"? Perhaps you can ask yourself, "missyb, what are you willing to do to break this addiction?

Oh, I must add something truly funny...I was gently, teasingly asking him if he might do a quiz with me on Attachment styles, and he claimed his results declared he's a Secure.

That may well be, as the tests can give different results depending on which relationships you envision while filling them out. Friends, family or romantic interests.

Another explanation might be that they chose the answer that they thought looked the best to others, ofcourse.

To be in love with someone is to be in a loving relationship with the person you adore. It means you are often in a state of elation, contentment, calmness, security, when you are in their presence, and when you think of them. It doesn't even have to be reciprocal, though that would ideal. Hope I got the definition right.