Post by mrob on Jan 26, 2018 7:33:21 GMT
Hi. I find myself here after reading this book two years ago, after my ex wife and I separated. I was going round and round in therapy when I found this book. I couldn't believe it. It explained everything going on inside me as well as the confusion of, and ultimately the damage inflicted on unsuspecting partners.
Two years later, I'm out of a relationship where I didn't suppress it and it has raised its head in all its dreadful glory. The yoyo, my disappearance, the feeling like I'm being reeled back in, capitulating to it, rinse and repeat.
The story, after a bit of research, goes back generations. Time for the violins. I was brought up in a single parent family, two doors up from my maternal grandmother. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, who was (and still is) a hard woman. Battle weary. She had been thrown out by her mother for having two children to a husband who wouldn't commit. She was warned by his mother before getting married that he was bad news. It didn't take long, he disappeared and they almost starved. Then her mother threw her out, and they moved 400km to where other siblings were. She remarried to a violent alcoholic. When Mum became pregnant with me, my father showed signs of violence as well as alcoholism, which was later to kill him, so my Mum did what was best and left. I come along and at 5, and after changes in legislation, my grandmother divorces. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother until I was 10 and we moved away. Love meant providing, security, money, but nothing else. That's when I think I picked the avoidant style up. Mum tried to break away from what Nana did but found it incredibly hard. She still thinks she's better, but looking at all this, Nana is a DA, Mum an FA. My mother met someone, lovely family but I remember not being able to cope, my sister came along, he had an affair and left. I remember being told that I was the man of the house now. I was 8. Then I realised that whatever I did in this life, it had to be me. I couldn't rely on these people for anything. I remember that moment vividly.
Fast forward to my teenage years where I had absolutely no self esteem or self confidence. I was a black hole. People could have given me all the reassurance, but the die was seemingly cast. I had a love and an ambition to work in a particular industry and that drove me. I saw male colleagues in that industry lose everything in failed marriages. I wanted the fairytale, but the family stuff above, the lack of confidence and just everything added up to finding a DA in my first wife. My grandmother all over. My mother hated her. 14 months later, we divorced after she had an affair with my best friend. A DA and an FA with no relationship skills at all... it's amazing it lasted that long. During this time, Alcohol was playing a bigger part in my life. I tracked down and met my father. I needed some sort of answers as to who I was. I got them in spades. Two years later I miraculously got sober. I had to look at everything. It was staring me in the face. I had a few goes at the 12 steps but had a really hard time trusting anyone.
6 years in, I meet a lovely lady with a good family, and I'll tell you I did the best that I could to shut all of this rubbish off. I went to family functions that I wanted to run from. I was vulnerable at times when all I wanted to do was stop. I committed to joint bank accounts that I vowed I would never do. I got into debt that I really didn't want. I pushed down everything avoidant. Consequently I was so conflicted with myself that I was having counselling before we got married. A year later she became pregnant. This was big. It couldn't be undone. I have the opportunity to give my daughter what I didn't have. I thought that I'd done enough work to have awareness and an ability to act differently. To stop this awful cycle. I juggled work and home, Became Mr Mum for a couple of years, then as someone discussed elsewhere, my relationship with my daughter was different. All this stuff was brewing underneath and I shut down in my relationship with my wife. Eventually I sought and had an affair with someone as unavailable as me, and am now divorced. That's when I looked at this stuff. How on Earth have I done the exact thing I didn't want to do?
So, I got some more awareness, met someone. Told them exactly how it was. Don't push me. It escalated into a D/s relationship and I learned some real lessons about myself. I equate hurt with love. Emotional up until then, but this was physical. She wanted a progression of the relationship, but I found myself wanting to run. This time I stood my ground (reverted to form) and did. My daughter doesn't need the complications of blended families right now, and it looks like I've got stuff to sort out. I still want to make contact. She booked some flights for me as a travel agent, then checked up on them with me. I was brief in my answer. Next thing it's "Come over and have dinner, I need some company". That fishing line. That escalation.
I feel dreadful. Guilty. If I'd sorted out this stuff when I was first given the opportunity, there would be far fewer people hurt.
I hope this melodrama has been of help to someone.
Two years later, I'm out of a relationship where I didn't suppress it and it has raised its head in all its dreadful glory. The yoyo, my disappearance, the feeling like I'm being reeled back in, capitulating to it, rinse and repeat.
The story, after a bit of research, goes back generations. Time for the violins. I was brought up in a single parent family, two doors up from my maternal grandmother. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, who was (and still is) a hard woman. Battle weary. She had been thrown out by her mother for having two children to a husband who wouldn't commit. She was warned by his mother before getting married that he was bad news. It didn't take long, he disappeared and they almost starved. Then her mother threw her out, and they moved 400km to where other siblings were. She remarried to a violent alcoholic. When Mum became pregnant with me, my father showed signs of violence as well as alcoholism, which was later to kill him, so my Mum did what was best and left. I come along and at 5, and after changes in legislation, my grandmother divorces. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother until I was 10 and we moved away. Love meant providing, security, money, but nothing else. That's when I think I picked the avoidant style up. Mum tried to break away from what Nana did but found it incredibly hard. She still thinks she's better, but looking at all this, Nana is a DA, Mum an FA. My mother met someone, lovely family but I remember not being able to cope, my sister came along, he had an affair and left. I remember being told that I was the man of the house now. I was 8. Then I realised that whatever I did in this life, it had to be me. I couldn't rely on these people for anything. I remember that moment vividly.
Fast forward to my teenage years where I had absolutely no self esteem or self confidence. I was a black hole. People could have given me all the reassurance, but the die was seemingly cast. I had a love and an ambition to work in a particular industry and that drove me. I saw male colleagues in that industry lose everything in failed marriages. I wanted the fairytale, but the family stuff above, the lack of confidence and just everything added up to finding a DA in my first wife. My grandmother all over. My mother hated her. 14 months later, we divorced after she had an affair with my best friend. A DA and an FA with no relationship skills at all... it's amazing it lasted that long. During this time, Alcohol was playing a bigger part in my life. I tracked down and met my father. I needed some sort of answers as to who I was. I got them in spades. Two years later I miraculously got sober. I had to look at everything. It was staring me in the face. I had a few goes at the 12 steps but had a really hard time trusting anyone.
6 years in, I meet a lovely lady with a good family, and I'll tell you I did the best that I could to shut all of this rubbish off. I went to family functions that I wanted to run from. I was vulnerable at times when all I wanted to do was stop. I committed to joint bank accounts that I vowed I would never do. I got into debt that I really didn't want. I pushed down everything avoidant. Consequently I was so conflicted with myself that I was having counselling before we got married. A year later she became pregnant. This was big. It couldn't be undone. I have the opportunity to give my daughter what I didn't have. I thought that I'd done enough work to have awareness and an ability to act differently. To stop this awful cycle. I juggled work and home, Became Mr Mum for a couple of years, then as someone discussed elsewhere, my relationship with my daughter was different. All this stuff was brewing underneath and I shut down in my relationship with my wife. Eventually I sought and had an affair with someone as unavailable as me, and am now divorced. That's when I looked at this stuff. How on Earth have I done the exact thing I didn't want to do?
So, I got some more awareness, met someone. Told them exactly how it was. Don't push me. It escalated into a D/s relationship and I learned some real lessons about myself. I equate hurt with love. Emotional up until then, but this was physical. She wanted a progression of the relationship, but I found myself wanting to run. This time I stood my ground (reverted to form) and did. My daughter doesn't need the complications of blended families right now, and it looks like I've got stuff to sort out. I still want to make contact. She booked some flights for me as a travel agent, then checked up on them with me. I was brief in my answer. Next thing it's "Come over and have dinner, I need some company". That fishing line. That escalation.
I feel dreadful. Guilty. If I'd sorted out this stuff when I was first given the opportunity, there would be far fewer people hurt.
I hope this melodrama has been of help to someone.
