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Post by tnr9 on May 12, 2018 12:22:51 GMT
So....after what happened last Sunday...I found myself spiraling in negativity...because in the absence of any concrete information, I had allowed myself to magnify a perspective about B that was completely based on what wasn't happening....he wasn't reaching out, he wasn't liking my posts....but then I had to stop myself, because he really did not reach out "before" Sunday either and he did not like my posts....so the only thing that changed, was my perception of him "not doing these things" meant. They now carried a weight to them that had been here before, but not to this degree. I wanted "validation" that he and I are ok...but I was using a very impersonal manner to determine this. So I am working to accept that I am doing this and that this is not helping me.
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flic
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Post by flic on May 13, 2018 2:28:36 GMT
So....after what happened last Sunday...I found myself spiraling in negativity...because in the absence of any concrete information, I had allowed myself to magnify a perspective about B that was completely based on what wasn't happening....he wasn't reaching out, he wasn't liking my posts....but then I had to stop myself, because he really did not reach out "before" Sunday either and he did not like my posts....so the only thing that changed, was my perception of him "not doing these things" meant. They now carried a weight to them that had been here before, but not to this degree. I wanted "validation" that he and I are ok...but I was using a very impersonal manner to determine this. So I am working to accept that I am doing this and that this is not helping me. I have a question for you tnr9: From reading a lot of your posts, I know you want reconciliation with B, and that you also seem partially ok with having friendship for now. But when you do have contact with him it seems to spiral you down a bit, and send you ruminating over little actions and words. I'm just wondering whether you are ok with this - do you think over time you'll get better at dealing with interactions, essentially dealing with your triggers when you're triggered (someone once suggested that to me, and i like it)? Is your ultimate hope still reconciliation, even if you have to keep having the downward spirals? Do you think it's feasible? I only ask as you strike me as very strong, with a lot of optimism, and i personally don't think I could keep going the way you do, but you do it. I'm interested in the reason why you keep engaging? Hope this doesn't come across as harsh, i just find your situation an interesting one. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 13, 2018 3:55:37 GMT
So....after what happened last Sunday...I found myself spiraling in negativity...because in the absence of any concrete information, I had allowed myself to magnify a perspective about B that was completely based on what wasn't happening....he wasn't reaching out, he wasn't liking my posts....but then I had to stop myself, because he really did not reach out "before" Sunday either and he did not like my posts....so the only thing that changed, was my perception of him "not doing these things" meant. They now carried a weight to them that had been here before, but not to this degree. I wanted "validation" that he and I are ok...but I was using a very impersonal manner to determine this. So I am working to accept that I am doing this and that this is not helping me. I have a question for you tnr9 : From reading a lot of your posts, I know you want reconciliation with B, and that you also seem partially ok with having friendship for now. But when you do have contact with him it seems to spiral you down a bit, and send you ruminating over little actions and words. I'm just wondering whether you are ok with this - do you think over time you'll get better at dealing with interactions, essentially dealing with your triggers when you're triggered (someone once suggested that to me, and i like it)? Is your ultimate hope still reconciliation, even if you have to keep having the downward spirals? Do you think it's feasible? I only ask as you strike me as very strong, with a lot of optimism, and i personally don't think I could keep going the way you do, but you do it. I'm interested in the reason why you keep engaging? Hope this doesn't come across as harsh, i just find your situation an interesting one. Hey Flic...thanks for your question.....yes, I still want reconciliation with B....and I realize that in order for that to occur, I have to be ok with us just being friends. Believe me...I have never gone through this with any other ex..they have all been clean breaks with completely separate lives. Even I am surprised at my determination...but I really do like B as a person....so to me it is worth the effort. I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to face some faulty beliefs head on. Fortunately, I only see B one time a week...at the community we met at. I suspect he will not be there tomorrow and I will not be there the following week and our community is on break the week following....so I will not see him for almost a month. In the meantime, I am getting plenty of chances to see where my thoughts turn negative (without any actual proof) and I make up stories that are not based in reality. My new question to myself is "does this thought move me closer to my goal/is it true?" and if not, I need to change it or own up to the fact that I don't honestly "know" and that is ok. I am grateful to have this community to come back to whenever I have a dip. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 13, 2018 19:01:53 GMT
So B was at community today and after it was over he asked me how I was and I said I was doing better and that I hoped that the conversation did not negatively impact our friendship and he said we are good..it would take so much more then what I said last week to change things...so that was nice to hear.
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Post by ocarina on May 13, 2018 20:09:02 GMT
tnr9 in the last but one post you suggested asking yourself "does this thought move me closer to my goal" Would you be able to explain what your goal is?
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Post by tnr9 on May 13, 2018 20:26:39 GMT
tnr9 in the last but one post you suggested asking yourself "does this thought move me closer to my goal" Would you be able to explain what your goal is? My goal is to be friends and be ok with it...which means working through every thought that does not align with that. It means releasing the desire to make B a substitute fix for my attachment pain. It is a daily decision to change any thought that would put him on a pedastal and it is to prove to myself that I can be "ok" with out him or anyone else as the fix. Otherwise...I will just transfer this insecure attachment to someone else....I am not perfect and old habits die hard...but I am committed to do the best I can. |
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Post by ocarina on May 13, 2018 20:51:34 GMT
tnr9 in the last but one post you suggested asking yourself "does this thought move me closer to my goal" Would you be able to explain what your goal is? My goal is to be friends and be ok with it...which means working through every thought that does not align with that. It means releasing the desire to make B a substitute fix for my attachment pain. It is a daily decision to change any thought that would put him on a pedastal and it is to prove to myself that I can be "ok" with out him or anyone else as the fix. Otherwise...I will just transfer this insecure attachment to someone else....I am not perfect and old habits die hard...but I am committed to do the best I can. That is a really great thing to aim for and of course - none of us are perfect, you have shown real determination here already. I am not sure if I can fully explain this but will give it a go - at the moment it seems that when he does something that suggests he may not be "into" you - or may be interested in someone else, this is triggering for you - and understandably so and you get past this time and time again by recognising (correctly) that you are interpreting the situation incorrectly ie by challenging your thinking and replacing the thought with something more positive. The battle - as I see it and please forgive me if this is completely barking up the wrong tree, is that your interpretation may be wrong - or it may be right and to be "friends" you really need to be ok with that either way - to be ok with him seeing other women, with there being no happy ever after. It seems from what you have said, that you are very much human and that you really wouldn't be fine with that - it would hurt a lot and so whilst you're recognising the negative thought patterns as not truth you're also possibly shielding yourself from the reality of the situation and holding on to hope by looking for glimmers of interest and validation. If this is the case, it's absolutely understandable and normal but it is also a huge barrier in the way of being just friends. I do understand what you're working on - but it seems the work at the moment is interpreting his actions in a way that makes you feel ok. He has said he doesn't want a relationship and you clearly do - are you sure you're ok with the reality of the situation? A big part of healing attachment trauma is being there with great kindness and compassion for yourself - is hanging in here genuinely a loving act towards yourself? No judgement here - only you can answer this - difficult stuff. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 13, 2018 21:09:37 GMT
Very good points...and you are correct that there is still some level of hope...I cannot deny that....but part of my individual process of moving forward is sitting with myself..sitting with the pain and owning it. I honestly don't know how I will feel when he starts dating someone whether in the community or outside of it...but there are actually 2 processes that I am working on...1. Is to clarify incorrect thinking and 2. Is to work on my self confidence/self acceptance/self love. I am hopeful that by working on both aspects it will move me in a positive direction....but I completely understand the concern you raise and I so appreciate the questions.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 14, 2018 0:02:56 GMT
I think your approach to all this is actually rather wise-- how you've come to recognize the cognitive distortions (like interpreting all of his actions through the lens of whether or not they show love for you even when they may be about other things), and your recognition that you have to be truly okay with his not being in your life-- though I also wonder if the more active friendship part should wait awhile... like say hello and chit-chat at church, but maybe don't go out to lunch or whatever until quite awhile from now.... It may be less triggery then when you won't have to keep actively working on this "goal" multiple times with each interaction. I understand what you are doing and I do think it's brilliant, but it also sounds exhausting.
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2018 0:42:05 GMT
I think your approach to all this is actually rather wise-- how you've come to recognize the cognitive distortions (like interpreting all of his actions through the lens of whether or not they show love for you even when they may be about other things), and your recognition that you have to be truly okay with his not being in your life-- though I also wonder if the more active friendship part should wait awhile... like say hello and chit-chat at church, but maybe don't go out to lunch or whatever until quite awhile from now.... It may be less triggery then when you won't have to keep actively working on this "goal" multiple times with each interaction. I understand what you are doing and I do think it's brilliant, but it also sounds exhausting. Oh yes...based on what happened last weekend...I do agree that I am not yet ready for hanging out again or doing anything with him outside of a quick catch up within the community. And it is a bit exhausting...but I am learning so much about myself and I am really proud of the work I have done so far. |
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Post by ocarina on May 14, 2018 20:39:09 GMT
Sitting with the pain is really important, but I sense (and again this is only from what you post here so may very well be skewed) that whilst the end of the relationship with painful - there is also some suffering induced by repeatedly putting yourself in harms way.
How would it be to put the focus firmly on Tnr9 - to really really treat yourself with the upmost kindness by distancing from B as far as you can - both emotionally and physically in order to cultivate confidence and self acceptance. It almost feels as though the presence of B is keeping you at a distance from yourself and instead continuing to put the spotlight on his behaviour and its influence on you.
I spent some time at al anon and it helped immensely in my relationships going forward - the ability to recognise love and care of another person whilst also learning to detach, to depersonalise and allow that person to live their own life and make their own mistakes. It's strangely challenging because without the focus on "the broken one" the only pain and suffering is our own and sometimes that it the hardest to bear.
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2018 21:42:31 GMT
Sitting with the pain is really important, but I sense (and again this is only from what you post here so may very well be skewed) that whilst the end of the relationship with painful - there is also some suffering induced by repeatedly putting yourself in harms way. How would it be to put the focus firmly on Tnr9 - to really really treat yourself with the upmost kindness by distancing from B as far as you can - both emotionally and physically in order to cultivate confidence and self acceptance. It almost feels as though the presence of B is keeping you at a distance from yourself and instead continuing to put the spotlight on his behaviour and its influence on you. I spent some time at al anon and it helped immensely in my relationships going forward - the ability to recognise love and care of another person whilst also learning to detach, to depersonalise and allow that person to live their own life and make their own mistakes. It's strangely challenging because without the focus on "the broken one" the only pain and suffering is our own and sometimes that it the hardest to bear. Ocarina....I understand what you are saying...however, I am in leadership in the community that B and I are attending and I don't really want to give that up because that is where I met a lot of my friends....so I will see him every single Sunday for 1.5 hours when we are both present. So the compromise is to not engage outside the community for now. I am spending actually a lot of time on myself....but yes, thoughts about B happen and I am still working through how to navigate the new norm. I really have made huge strides...but it is a bit more difficult to see when I have only been here since B broke up with me. I honestly had a moment today that would have created a huge spiral in me before..and I felt the panic....but overwrote that with curiousity...and it worked. 🙂 Thank you so much for your suggestion regarding al anon....I am actually in an anxiety class and find it is helping me to separate my anxiety from feelings of personalization. Adding....wow....I am stirred up in a really defiant place a "you can't tell me what to do" place...which has nothing to do with your post Ocarina...I have just been on edge all day.....hmmmmmm...will need to sit with this. |
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Post by ocarina on May 15, 2018 17:18:22 GMT
Yes Tnr9 I totally get it - to let go of the group would be to compromise on your own life by letting go of something that's really fulfilling - not engaging outside the community for now sounds like a sound plan.
I really apologise if my post came across as giving advice - I certainly don't walk in your shoes and I am not sure advice ever helps anyone! The anxiety class sounds a good step - great work you are doing here and agreed - on the forum we only get the attachment side of the story rather than the whole and rounded life.
Onwards and upwards Tnr9 - sometimes it's two steps forward an one step back, but that's all part of the journey.
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Post by tnr9 on May 16, 2018 9:50:39 GMT
Yes Tnr9 I totally get it - to let go of the group would be to compromise on your own life by letting go of something that's really fulfilling - not engaging outside the community for now sounds like a sound plan. I really apologise if my post came across as giving advice - I certainly don't walk in your shoes and I am not sure advice ever helps anyone! The anxiety class sounds a good step - great work you are doing here and agreed - on the forum we only get the attachment side of the story rather than the whole and rounded life. Onwards and upwards Tnr9 - sometimes it's two steps forward an one step back, but that's all part of the journey. Thank you Ocarina....I think I have been super sensitive this week to all kinds of triggers. It is been both challenging and rewarding to look at them in the mirror. |
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