flic
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Post by flic on May 14, 2018 3:13:53 GMT
I'm a bit worried the recent break up I have had is going to alter my future Attachment style and ability to feel secure.
Whilst I acknowledge that I behaved in a really triggered AP way in the breakdown and breakup of the relationship - this certainly wasn't the case for the whole relationship (though there were red flags that our needs for emotional intimacy were incompatible - I think he is FA), and it wasn't really the case in my previous 2 long-term relationships. I've gone long stretches without relationships and am usually very happy being single, and I'm friends with both my exes.
I've read a lot on this forum about how people can be secure before a relationship, and then a certain relationship triggers them into AP/DA etc. I think maybe I had attachment issues before this relationship and have identified where this might have come from, and am seeking therapy to address it. But I'm shocked at how much this relationship and not the others seems to have drained any sense of security in myself that i used to have in abundance. That's never happened to me before.
The aftershock of this break-up and the circumstances (seemed like a very healthy relationship, moved our life overseas, experienced a severe fear of abandonment and I behaved really badly as did he, which ultimately led to actual abandonment, coming back with nothing, having to start from scratch) has me terrified I'll never trust relationships again.
I've received some tough love on this forum about my protest behaviours and attitudes towards the break-up - all entirely valid and useful. But I've often felt at times the 'you've got to help yourself and heal' doesn't address the shock and trauma when you thought you were a relatively stable person, coming out of a relationship like this.
I've honestly never felt such an intense fear of being alone - I live by myself and used to love it, and love solitude, and now I'm terrified. I've been staying with my sisters and parents as much as i can because their houses are the only places I feel safe. I used to date a lot of people and be fine with casual relationships - it was often them attaching that was the problem, and now I can't imagine ever wanting to date someone who i have a connection with again, for fear of the same thing happening. The thought of being alone terrifies me, the thought of trusting someone again terrifies me.
I know attachment style can change based on the specific relationship - but that's confusing because now I'm thinking maybe I was FA, then DA, then AP - but is that even possible? All it's highlighting is I'm not secure, and i worry that after this last experience, Avoidant is going to feel so much safer for me.
That said, I am going to try Somatic Experiencing therapy, which is supposed to be very useful for attachment trauma. But I am worried this experience has fundamentally shifted something in me around trusting others, and that's really worrying me.
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Post by mrob on May 14, 2018 8:15:43 GMT
My “not a relationship” is experiencing an ease of relationship with her current partner that has seen her return to normal. It can happen. Maybe a break from the forum would help you.
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2018 10:01:28 GMT
Hey flic....perhaps mrob has a point....by coming here and reading of other individuals traumas with other exes, you may be creating a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy where all you read about are insecure relationships that did not work. I had to take a 30 day break at one point because I could sense that everything was getting to me a bit much.
Whenever you start to feel fearful....consider something you are grateful for, whenever you feel distrustful, remember a time that you did trust someone else...I think the situation with your ex has high jacked and overwritten your experiences of situations and as such...it will require purposefully remembering times that were the opposite. Your mind does not know the difference between what you experience in your head and what you experience in the world...so you can counteract these fears with different images/thoughts. Also, I believe you have this...that you are capable of great things and that you have amazing coping skills.....say that to yourself (in the "I" person) every morning whether you feel that way or not....give yourself an extra boost of self love.
Hugs.
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 14, 2018 14:16:56 GMT
flic - I have the same fears. And same thought about the whole 'which attachment am I really?' AND a sudden real deep seated fear or growing obsession with having terrible judgement and growing old alone or miserable with another bad pick. All I know is I'm sick of feeling this way and sick of thinking about the partner who possibly made me sick - so it's time to see a therapist and overcome the damage. Makes me feel better that it's not just me. I just had this thought the other day, of meeting someone new, and knowing what i know now - how would i trust if i felt a connection, how would i trust if i didn't, how could i trust anything? The Somatic Experiencing therapist i spoke to on the phone to book a session, after hearing my story said "we'll work on helping you choose more secure partners" - when she first said it I was like "Great, boring guys." Now, I can't bloody wait. So great you are going to see a therapist - it can only be a good thing. Good luck to you. Let me know how it goes! |
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 14, 2018 14:23:01 GMT
mrob tnr9 - thanks guys. Maybe you're right, i should take a break from the forum. But I really like reading everyone's experiences on here, i feel such compassion and gratitude for the things that are shared. I think it's just the aftermath, the fog clearing as I accept this relationship is over and I look back and think "I never really trusted him." But I stayed, for nearly 2 years, until he proved that I couldn't trust him, And even then, i still wanted to be with him. I never thought I'd be that woman. And now I am. More than just changing attachment styles, isn't it incredible what life throws up, that can cause you to ignore your intuition. But perhaps that's the lesson. Always trust your gut.
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flic
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Post by flic on May 14, 2018 14:34:29 GMT
mrob I'm curious - you're FA right? I was reading something the other day about how FAs are prone to lying - because they're so scared to be vulnerable. So they often lie about even little things, or lie to protect their relationship, not realising that if the person in the relationship with them found out about that lie, it would cause distrust, or even come across like they didn't want to be in the relationship. I'm not saying you do this, but does it make sense to you? I'm really good at remembering tiny details of everything people tell me, so often, my ex would recount stories or tell me things and in my head I'd be going "that doesn't add up" or "that isn't the story he told me yesterday." Often small, insignificant things. But over time, it just make me trust him less and less. And of course then when he thought i was going to abandon him, the lies got bigger. The other thing i can't help wondering - once he started lying about things that DID matter - wouldn't he have known this would essentially be the end of our relationship? It was tarnished after that for him, even before i found out. So why would he do it, if he was so scared of losing me?
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Post by DearLover on May 14, 2018 18:40:24 GMT
Ok, so I had a relationship in the past - a marriage - where I left my country and went to the other side of the world literally, to be with him. I left job opportunities, family, friends etc for HIM only. I didn't know anyone in there, didn't speak the language and didn't have any means to support myself (until I got a job). Our problems started in the airport...he was living there before me and waiting for me, in the airport he didn't even hug me and treated me pretty much like a stranger...I could go on but bottom line he was cheating before I arrived (even got some one pregnant and forced her to have an abortion) and continued cheating until he finally decided to go wth the other woman (who pretended was my best friend) and kicked me out of there (my visa was linked to his)....but I already had a good job, was speaking the language well and had my own friends plus plans for the future. It was tough. I thought about killing myself many times but I didn't have the courage. It took a long time to heal but I knew I didn't want him or that shitty relationship back. The hurt was coming for the void shaped by having a husband and a life I was building and enjoying (even though we were not getting on most of the time).
It took time but I got over it. You will too. Just leave the past and the past and focus in the present and how you see yourself and your life in the future. I could have healed from that wound much quicker but I kept obsessing with the details and whys of everything that went on.
That relationship just showed you more things that you want and more things that you won't tolerate. Now you know more about yourself then before. Be grateful you are free to have he next better thing.
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 15, 2018 0:41:55 GMT
Ok, so I had a relationship in the past - a marriage - where I left my country and went to the other side of the world literally, to be with him. I left job opportunities, family, friends etc for HIM only. I didn't know anyone in there, didn't speak the language and didn't have any means to support myself (until I got a job). Our problems started in the airport...he was living there before me and waiting for me, in the airport he didn't even hug me and treated me pretty much like a stranger...I could go on but bottom line he was cheating before I arrived (even got some one pregnant and forced her to have an abortion) and continued cheating until he finally decided to go wth the other woman (who pretended was my best friend) and kicked me out of there (my visa was linked to his)....but I already had a good job, was speaking the language well and had my own friends plus plans for the future. It was tough. I thought about killing myself many times but I didn't have the courage. It took a long time to heal but I knew I didn't want him or that shitty relationship back. The hurt was coming for the void shaped by having a husband and a life I was building and enjoying (even though we were not getting on most of the time). It took time but I got over it. You will too. Just leave the past and the past and focus in the present and how you see yourself and your life in the future. I could have healed from that wound much quicker but I kept obsessing with the details and whys of everything that went on. That relationship just showed you more things that you want and more things that you won't tolerate. Now you know more about yourself then before. Be grateful you are free to have he next better thing. @dearlover that is a horrible thing you had to go through, your resilience is incredible. You're so right that these things teach us more about ourselves. So much - it's a bit exhausting. I am trying to move on and have definitely accepted it, the pain and trauma have just rocked me to my foundations, it's taking a while to rebuild them. Thanks for the support - your story gives me faith  |
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Post by DearLover on May 15, 2018 16:13:17 GMT
Ok, so I had a relationship in the past - a marriage - where I left my country and went to the other side of the world literally, to be with him. I left job opportunities, family, friends etc for HIM only. I didn't know anyone in there, didn't speak the language and didn't have any means to support myself (until I got a job). Our problems started in the airport...he was living there before me and waiting for me, in the airport he didn't even hug me and treated me pretty much like a stranger...I could go on but bottom line he was cheating before I arrived (even got some one pregnant and forced her to have an abortion) and continued cheating until he finally decided to go wth the other woman (who pretended was my best friend) and kicked me out of there (my visa was linked to his)....but I already had a good job, was speaking the language well and had my own friends plus plans for the future. It was tough. I thought about killing myself many times but I didn't have the courage. It took a long time to heal but I knew I didn't want him or that shitty relationship back. The hurt was coming for the void shaped by having a husband and a life I was building and enjoying (even though we were not getting on most of the time). It took time but I got over it. You will too. Just leave the past and the past and focus in the present and how you see yourself and your life in the future. I could have healed from that wound much quicker but I kept obsessing with the details and whys of everything that went on. That relationship just showed you more things that you want and more things that you won't tolerate. Now you know more about yourself then before. Be grateful you are free to have he next better thing. @dearlover that is a horrible thing you had to go through, your resilience is incredible. You're so right that these things teach us more about ourselves. So much - it's a bit exhausting. I am trying to move on and have definitely accepted it, the pain and trauma have just rocked me to my foundations, it's taking a while to rebuild them. Thanks for the support - your story gives me faith Flic, be gentle to yourself, you are allowed to feel traumatised. It is fine. You will survive and will come out stronger and a better person / better lover after it. I wish I had this board and all the support here when this happened. I only had friends and family, but my family is dysfunctional anyway so not much help there. Also the embarrassing feeling of failure and having to start again...BUT the relief that I was out of a very bad relationship, tied to a man that didn't care for me. Of course I had my faults too, extremely jealousy and lower than low self esteem, clingy etc...He triggered all that times 100 but the thing is : I chose to marry him and be with him even though I knew he was a cheater, a liar and unreliable. How can I really blame him? I blamed myself, but I didn't know that I was set up from birth. The only thing I knew was that I had to change and I had a choice too. |
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