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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2018 4:14:01 GMT
So tonight I went to see a show with several other individuals from the singles group...unbeknownst to me, B was also invited....and I only found out about 1 hour in advance. I remember feeling incredibly aprehensive..so much so that a friend asked why I was quiet all of a sudden. Fortunately I was able to snap out of it in time for the show and B and I had a good catch up chat and he even went out with a few of us for dessert afterwards. I am grateful that it worked out in the end..but man....this really is not at all easy. Still I was super proud of myself that I did not let my appehension cause me to flee or to ruin my experience. Getting better every day.
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Post by scheme00 on May 19, 2018 5:53:05 GMT
Ouch that would mess me up! How do you think this will affect your healing
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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2018 11:44:20 GMT
I am trying to actually use these encounters to help in my healing by bringing to light some of my AP traits that I need to work on. I was sitting in the ripples of those last night...fighting feelings of jealousy and possessiveness (I had to tell myself more than once that B is not "mine" and as such, tying any feelings to him talking to other girls is only hurting me.) The fact is...I absolutely dislike that automatic feeling of comparison and I actually wanted to cry at more than one time because I still wanted him and knew he was just being a friend). For some reason, being ok with his autonomy was a real struggle. I found my brain trying to connect him with several girls either there or ones that he "liked" posts of on FB. (yes, that happened again).
But what I see so clearly now is in fact the desperate "dance". I act like I am way into him still (because I still am), he enjoys the attention (who wouldn't want someone who is all about them) but is only giving me "friendship" attention (and let's be honest, I want to read soooooo much more into it), because I am not getting the attention I desire from him, I automatically think that someone else is. The other thing that happens is that I go into thoughts of not being good enough and having to "earn" love...that every word/every action can either make or break this "friendship"...I become so hypervigilent and it all becomes so personal, even though it isn't. The irony..is all the above works 100% against me....who would not also feel incredibly smothered by such attention...even if sitting at a distance? And the feeling of possessiveness completely disrespects his autonomy...his right to live and chose to be with whoever he wants..so of course there is a "wall". That makes sense...and I have a role in it. But the more I bring awareness to these patterns...I am finding that I am able to release...just a bit faster, to recover just a bit quicker...so thank you for asking because I needed to get this out.
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Post by scheme00 on May 19, 2018 17:00:39 GMT
Omg omg you and I are twins. I go trough the EXACT same routine. Sadly the only way I’ve found that helps to move on is to completely have them out of sight and out of mind.
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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2018 17:12:37 GMT
Omg omg you and I are twins. I go trough the EXACT same routine. Sadly the only way I’ve found that helps to move on is to completely have them out of sight and out of mind. Hey scheme...the only way that would be possible is if B or I were to leave the community group...and he is definately not leaving...so the decision falls to me. Right now...I am choosing to stay because I love my role there, the friends I have made there and what the community group offers me. As such, I am trying to use this as an opportunity to change my "patterns"...because if I don't address them with B, I will likely just transfer them to someone else with the exact same personality. I take it day by day...and today is a good day....I feel I have observed some things that I can work on. |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 25, 2018 1:31:30 GMT
It sounds like you are able to approach yourself with some clarity and humor. Awesome! I think doing this work while seeing the person on a regular basis is the most difficult way to do it, but I am glad you feel like you have some ways to continue the awareness and growth.
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Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2018 2:42:54 GMT
Yes...along with moments of deep, profound, withdrawal type sadness....usually I am ok in his presence..the withdrawal symptoms come in the silence afterwards when all I want to do is reach out and get reassurance. The hardest days are when there is nothing to occupy my mind and it will automatically fill in the spaces with thoughts of him with someone else.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 4, 2018 8:28:18 GMT
Tnr9, you are so brave and respectful towards B. Good on you to develop so many ways to take care of yourself in difficult situations!
It’s hard not to be posessvive or jealous, I always wonder where does that comes from for my case too. Wish you all the best!
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