|
|
Post by newtothis on May 25, 2018 15:40:38 GMT
Hello everyone, About 1 1/2 months ago I met this beautiful woman at a gig I was playing. (I´m a musician) We hit it off right away, went to another bar and I stayed with her the next day too. (I´m from a different city, about 2 1/2 hours away) After I left we stayed in contact and made plans that I´d visit her again which I did. We spent the weekend together and everything was perfect. I kept being chill, she´d write me and also asked me after some days when I´d come to see her again. Visited her again last weekend, 2 days were great again (great conversations, great sex, she was caring and interested in everything I said..) then on the 3rd she told me how she is afraid. Afraid because everything is going so fast, afraid of getting hurt or hurting me. She told me that she hasn´t been in a relationship for over 2 years and that although the last relationship wasn´t even a real one (lasted 2 month) it took her forever to get over it. She told me that she hates being vulnerable and dependant, and just can´t do this although according to her we have such a great chemistry and she likes me a lot. She asked me for a break. I tried with some positive and assuring words, but nothing seemed to get to her. She told me about her parents, who split some years ago because of different reasons and have not been there for her. I appreciated a lot that she explained this to me (apparently a 1st time thing) which I also told her. (I didn´t know about different attachment types etc. at that point) So she´s seeing a therapist now and told me that she has to take care of the issue with her parents first before she´d be able to be with me or anyone. She told me that she´ll back off for a while, that she will miss me but that she hates the feeling of missing me and prefers to be on herself, not having to care about this kinda stuff and that she just can´t see me because she can feel how attached she´s getting and that she doesn´t want this. I told her that I accept her needing the time and that I´m there if she needs me. She said that she appreciates this a lot and will reach out to me if she´s ready and that I can reach out to her even if she might not reply right now. Is there anything else I can do than wait? I guess I can just say fuck it and run away too but I really like her a lot and it hurts a lot to know that she feels the same but is just too afraid to let it happen. I´d define myself as a secure type. Thanks in advance for any answers / suggestions.  |
|
|
|
Post by squirrelkitty on May 25, 2018 16:13:16 GMT
I'm always skeptical when people say "everything was perfect". First of all, why do things have to be perfect? Secondly, if you have only known someone for a short time, it's likely they'll be on their best behaviour. People are often more polite to strangers than those close to them. If they believe in the bullshit rules of dating culture, they will also make an effort to appear like a superhuman fairy tale price(ess).
Are you sure you're secure? Just asking, because taking up with random strangers and rushing things (e. g. sex after only a few meetings) is described in the literature as AP behaviour. I guess that kind of thing is seen as normal in today's dating and hook-up culture, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. But then I don't know you, so I can't judge your attachment style just from this info.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2018 16:13:23 GMT
Welcome to the boards....i would honor her request and give her time to process things through. It sounds like she is very aware of herself and her patterns, which is good. I think an occational "check in" just to let her know that you still care is appropriate...but keep it very light. The only thing about an insecure/secure combination is that sometimes the secure partner can move into an insecure attachment...so just be really mindful about how you are doing and whether you sense yourself drifting into an insecure pattern. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by newtothis on May 25, 2018 16:32:16 GMT
I'm always skeptical when people say "everything was perfect". First of all, why do things have to be perfect? Secondly, if you have only known someone for a short time, it's likely they'll be on their best behaviour. People are often more polite to strangers than those close to them. If they believe in the bullshit rules of dating culture, they will also make an effort to appear like a superhuman fairy tale price(ess). Are you sure you're secure? Just asking, because taking up with random strangers and rushing things (e. g. sex after only a few meetings) is described in the literature as AP behaviour. I guess that kind of thing is seen as normal in today's dating and hook-up culture, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. But then I don't know you, so I can't judge your attachment style just from this info. Thank you for the reply! Well the moment and being with her felt perfect, of course not everything has to be or will be perfect. And I agree, it takes a lot more time to get to really know someone. She told me that she´s afraid of that as well, me discovering her bad sides and then not liking her anymore. I also agree with you about the sex part, we spoke about it and normally we both take more time but it felt just so right with her (and vice versa according to her). |
|
|
|
Post by newtothis on May 25, 2018 16:36:43 GMT
Welcome to the boards....i would honor her request and give her time to process things through. It sounds like she is very aware of herself and her patterns, which is good. I think an occational "check in" just to let her know that you still care is appropriate...but keep it very light. The only thing about an insecure/secure combination is that sometimes the secure partner can move into an insecure attachment...so just be really mindful about how you are doing and whether you sense yourself drifting into an insecure pattern. Good luck. Thank you and also for your reply! Yes, I will do that. I thought so too, as much as I´ve read about dismissive-avoidant persons (which she seems to be part of?) they often don´t admit what´s wrong so I guess it´s a step in the right direction? I think I´ll leave her alone some more and then do a little check like you´re suggesting. I´ll make sure to pay attention to my patterns as well, thank you for the advice! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2018 8:15:39 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human.
It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you.
Be consistent.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2018 13:44:51 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human. It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you. Be consistent. This describes perfectly my relationship with God. His unconditional love is so foreign to me that I don't trust it. I actually run from it....and yes...it does feel like being a feral cat (for me, it is a mental image of hiding under a staircase hoping that God will find me but being absolutely terrified at the exact same time, fearing that I will be punished, that I deserve to be punished for not trusting and that His love will be taken away from me). I have "moments" of coming forward...accepting His love but then I find myself running away again. It is absolutely crazy making. So many people have faith and don't have issues with trust, fear and accepting love. Lucky me I guess. |
|
|
|
Post by newtothis on May 26, 2018 17:38:49 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human. It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you. Be consistent. This makes perfect sense, thank you! |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on May 26, 2018 21:47:16 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human. It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you. Be consistent. Really well said. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:36:48 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human. It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you. Be consistent. I get it, but how do you differentiate a DA from a guy who is just e-maintaining you from afar, keeping you as low as possible in his priorities? I understand feral cats. I've lured and taken in a few pregnant wild cats and after delivery, stealthily cuddled their babies,...  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 6:59:43 GMT
Have you ever dealt with a rather wild cat? They'll come to you for a scratch or food, but make a sudden move and they'll run away. You'll never be able to grab and cuddle them, it's not in their nature and you shouldn't expect that - which is something what APs tend to do. If you're patient and have no expectations, they'll feel safe and acknowledge you as their human. It can be rewarding when you're not in it for attachment, validation, for what the other person does to you but for the person. It's not for everyone, surly not for APs but if you, as a secure person, are comfortable with that kind of dynamic - give her space, do not (ever) pressure her, don't react to her distancing methods. They're hypersensitive to criticism, fatalistic and they do not need you. Be consistent. I get it, but how do you differentiate a DA from a guy who is just e-maintaining you from afar, keeping you as low as possible in his priorities? I understand feral cats. I've lured and taken in a few pregnant wild cats and after delivery, stealthily cuddled their babies,... My guess is, one will come only when there's food and disapear into bushes the second he finishes. And you'll start noticing the other one is just hanging out in your garden even if there's no food. But in practice, I think it's the biggest problem with such "relationships", you don't know their true intentions and even though you want to make it work it causes anxiety even in a secure or a fellow avoidant person. I don't think many DAs realize that. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 12:32:30 GMT
Intention shows up in action.
Even for a DA.
Trust that a DA WANTS the exact "relationship" they are "having" with you.
it's that simple.
THE QUESTION TO BE ASKED IS
"Do i want the "relationship" that is being offered to me?"
If not, don't go thinking you alone can change it.
Partnerships take two consenting and communicating adults.
You can study attachment theory all you want and it won't help you get the relationship YOU want from a DA if that's not what is being offered spontaneously, BY THE DA.
If a DA wants a real relationship with you they will offer it.
If they are not offering, either A) they are not interested in the relationship you want (likely, since AP and DA needs are very opposite) or B) they are not capable of the relationship that you want.
In either scenario, if an AP is trying to get the relationship they want from a DA who isnt participating, that is a case of anxious preoccupied being stuck on an unavailable Attachment Object, because of their unresolved attachment wounds. If they stick around, DA who isn't sweating all this will rightly conclude that what they offer is acceptable to the other party. Why? because they have unhealthy relationship habits too and are not analyzing the crap out of it and drawing faulty conclusions... they are drawing faulty conclusions without the analysis.
Different MO, same emotional unavailability.
It's easy to make it all into a romantic story but it's not.
It's attachment injuries being played out. understanding an avoidant doesn't mean cracking the code and solving their emotional unavailability.
And, analyzing someone's unavailable behavior and sticking around for it is emotional unavailability ,itself.
There is a ton of effort exerted here to figure out an avoidant, instead of changing the need to figure out an avoidant.
The need to figure out someone who isn't making themselves readily available to you, is the real problem.
And that's ok, if that's where you're at, you aren't really harming anyone but yourself, an everyone has a process and gets to choose how to go about it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 13:50:54 GMT
I get it, but how do you differentiate a DA from a guy who is just e-maintaining you from afar, keeping you as low as possible in his priorities? I understand feral cats. I've lured and taken in a few pregnant wild cats and after delivery, stealthily cuddled their babies,... My guess is, one will come only when there's food and disapear into bushes the second he finishes. And you'll start noticing the other one is just hanging out in your garden even if there's no food. But in practice, I think it's the biggest problem with such "relationships", you don't know their true intentions and even though you want to make it work it causes anxiety even in a secure or a fellow avoidant person. I don't think many DAs realize that. this is interesting to read. in fact, in two instances in this thread that i am aware of, the DA has clearly stated their intentions. And the other party doubted them and went into analysis. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 14:28:52 GMT
My guess is, one will come only when there's food and disapear into bushes the second he finishes. And you'll start noticing the other one is just hanging out in your garden even if there's no food. But in practice, I think it's the biggest problem with such "relationships", you don't know their true intentions and even though you want to make it work it causes anxiety even in a secure or a fellow avoidant person. I don't think many DAs realize that. this is interesting to read. in fact, in two instances in this thread that i am aware of, the DA has clearly stated their intentions. And the other party doubted them and went into analysis. Of course, it doesn't mean there's always more to every tale than meet the eye, in most of my(FA) potential romantic relationships I simply wasn't interested and AP tend to over-analyse and get attached way too soon. However, trust doesn't come from nowhere(it would be plain stupid), I'll risk saying that when a secure person (or even better, someone who is avoidant) gets their mind blown there must be true inconsistency in their actions, their statements don't match up with what they do. It turns them into becoming anxious which pushes DA away and their self-fulfilling prophecy fulfills itself. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 14:54:54 GMT
in any case, the only way out of a predicament one finds oneself in, regardless of attachment style,
is to understand and direct one's own self.
what happens once a discrepancy is revealed, is up to the participant.
i've learned this the hard way also, and only share because it seems to be the widely accepted path to emotional peace and health, as expressed by professionals and experienced laypersons alike.
|
|
