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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 11:50:44 GMT
It doesn't seem like hanging out in your garden, it seems like luring you into scratching when he feels itching. You can't know and it's not what is able to satisfy you, it's absolutely not something you should accept or force yourself into, that's important. Creating unbalanced dynamics is not a way to go. In my honest opinion, it can be only accepted if it SATISFIES BOTH partners and leads to growth. Otherwise it's an unhealthy self abuse. Actually, he is almost exactly like some of the DAs who posted here, especially the male DAs.  He wants two independent persons coming together only for dates and sex, he is afraid for a partner to become dependent on him, he needs weeks away from me to spend on his work and family, and he is fine for a long term relationship on his terms.
Of course this isn't right for me and I've left him.
However, I won't say it's a "booty call" or manipulation, as he didn't pretend to be someone else, he didn't lie, or use subterfuge, etc., as I always have the final say if we will engage in physical intimacy.
I think for me the worse is dissembling or not telling the truth to manipulate me into doing something for the partner.
So he is alright in that he tells it like it is.
He is the feral cat in Kipling's tale, he comes and goes as he pleases, but of course in the end the woman only loves her man, and has his back, the one who hunted, fed and nurtured his family, and not the cat.  |
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Post by ulrike21 on Jun 12, 2018 16:40:28 GMT
and i guess i would condense the point like this. if you're a part of a relationship that makes you miserable, there's a ton to address inside yourself in terms of your own mixed messages and lack of clarity or commitment. Deciphering the mixed messages of someone else won't help you. Hi Juniper! Thanks for responding. Sorry it took me a while to acknowledge. It has been a busy time with work and overseas visitors. As always you give excellent insight and advice and I am paying attention. I feel a subtle shift in his behavior and intention this time. Also in mine. I think I finally understand where he is coming from. He is more classic Aspergers than avoidant. I am not obsessing or analyzing much and as such he is being more attentive and open. Plus he finally got rid of his pof profile. I am too busy to figure him out so I am just going with the flow. So far I feel content even though he barely has any time to spend with me. I totally get it. He is writing papers, working and his Father is still in hospice. He sent me a text a few days ago asking, "how is my girl doing" - I was amazed! In 19 months he has never once alluded to anything close to an alliance with me! LOL I had to resist my natural sarcasm in response! I'm guessing he is finally beginning to realize that what he sees is what I am. I will continue to check in on here. Thank you! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 16:56:08 GMT
It doesn't seem like hanging out in your garden, it seems like luring you into scratching when he feels itching. You can't know and it's not what is able to satisfy you, it's absolutely not something you should accept or force yourself into, that's important. Creating unbalanced dynamics is not a way to go. In my honest opinion, it can be only accepted if it SATISFIES BOTH partners and leads to growth. Otherwise it's an unhealthy self abuse. Actually, he is almost exactly like some of the DAs who posted here, especially the male DAs. He wants two independent persons coming together only for dates and sex, he is afraid for a partner to become dependent on him, he needs weeks away from me to spend on his work and family, and he is fine for a long term relationship on his terms.
Of course this isn't right for me and I've left him.
However, I won't say it's a "booty call" or manipulation, as he didn't pretend to be someone else, he didn't lie, or use subterfuge, etc., as I always have the final say if we will engage in physical intimacy.
I think for me the worse is dissembling or not telling the truth to manipulate me into doing something for the partner.
So he is alright in that he tells it like it is.
He is the feral cat in Kipling's tale, he comes and goes as he pleases, but of course in the end the woman only loves her man, and has his back, the one who hunted, fed and nurtured his family, and not the cat. i am glad you walked away from that, it sounds he had a very selfish approach to relationship. I am DA and this dynamic you describe sounds very unappealing and unsatisfying to me also. Good for you for knowing what you want, what you don't, and choosing accordingly! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 17:00:31 GMT
and i guess i would condense the point like this. if you're a part of a relationship that makes you miserable, there's a ton to address inside yourself in terms of your own mixed messages and lack of clarity or commitment. Deciphering the mixed messages of someone else won't help you. Hi Juniper! Thanks for responding. Sorry it took me a while to acknowledge. It has been a busy time with work and overseas visitors. As always you give excellent insight and advice and I am paying attention. I feel a subtle shift in his behavior and intention this time. Also in mine. I think I finally understand where he is coming from. He is more classic Aspergers than avoidant. I am not obsessing or analyzing much and as such he is being more attentive and open. Plus he finally got rid of his pof profile. I am too busy to figure him out so I am just going with the flow. So far I feel content even though he barely has any time to spend with me. I totally get it. He is writing papers, working and his Father is still in hospice. He sent me a text a few days ago asking, "how is my girl doing" - I was amazed! In 19 months he has never once alluded to anything close to an alliance with me! LOL I had to resist my natural sarcasm in response! I'm guessing he is finally beginning to realize that what he sees is what I am. I will continue to check in on here. Thank you! You sound well! I am glad to see that. I wish you the very best, whatever you two can accomplish toward mutual goals with each other with your relationship. it can only be determined by walking it out, with as much awareness and acceptance as you can cultivate. The important thing is to know, if you are peaceful inside, to really understand yourself in it. ❤️ happy to have reconnected with you.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 17:19:13 GMT
i am glad you walked away from that, it sounds he had a very selfish approach to relationship. I am DA and this dynamic you describe sounds very unappealing and unsatisfying to me also. Good for you for knowing what you want, what you don't, and choosing accordingly! Thank you. You are likely much more aware and have up-leveled yourself as you go further in your journey towards Secure. He is far from that, and likely won't even begin the journey in the near future.
He is not a bad person at all, very attractive to spend time with, intelligent, sweet, kind, generous, not disordered (I think  , since it takes time to find out), but he is an enigma that I only begin to understand as I go through the threads on Jeb's forum and hearing from other DAs/FAs.
Unfortunately, he isn't even up to communicating and working things out, he is so blocked, and I am not waiting around for him to change. I am looking for someone like him but without the DA issues, but if not, I'll settle for a "creative" solution.
Hope you're doing well with your partner too.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 17:37:02 GMT
i am glad you walked away from that, it sounds he had a very selfish approach to relationship. I am DA and this dynamic you describe sounds very unappealing and unsatisfying to me also. Good for you for knowing what you want, what you don't, and choosing accordingly! Thank you. You are likely much more aware and have up-leveled yourself as you go further in your journey towards Secure. He is far from that, and likely won't even begin the journey in the near future.
He is not a bad person at all, very attractive to spend time with, intelligent, sweet, kind, generous, not disordered (I think , since it takes time to find out), but he is an enigma that I only begin to understand as I go through the threads on Jeb's forum and hearing from other DAs/FAs.
Unfortunately, he isn't even up to communicating and working things out, he is so blocked, and I am not waiting around for him to change. I am looking for someone like him but without the DA issues, but if not, I'll settle for a "creative" solution.
Hope you're doing well with your partner too.
i am doing well without my partner 🙂 There is an external, very complex and very sad situation in his life that renders him unable to engage in a relationship with me that is balanced and meets my needs. It is a very unfortunate but undeniable reality, and i have made the difficult choice to move on. Acceptance of both the reality of the situation, and the growth and purpose of the relationship that we had, has been key to my being able to grieve and find peace. it was a process over time and recently developed real definition because of new developments in that external situation. Sadly, there is no easy remedy for it, nor is there an end in sight. So, i am well, and still growing toward secure. ❤️ so thank you! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 19:56:57 GMT
i am doing well without my partner 🙂 There is an external, very complex and very sad situation in his life that renders him unable to engage in a relationship with me that is balanced and meets my needs. It is a very unfortunate but undeniable reality, and i have made the difficult choice to move on. Acceptance of both the reality of the situation, and the growth and purpose of the relationship that we had, has been key to my being able to grieve and find peace. it was a process over time and recently developed real definition because of new developments in that external situation. Sadly, there is no easy remedy for it, nor is there an end in sight. So, i am well, and still growing toward secure. ❤️ so thank you! Ugh, sorry to hear... and welcome to the Club, I guess. 
I thought it was working, him being with you through this difficult period and all that.
It gets better with time, I've become detached and a lot happier already.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 20:04:31 GMT
i am doing well without my partner 🙂 There is an external, very complex and very sad situation in his life that renders him unable to engage in a relationship with me that is balanced and meets my needs. It is a very unfortunate but undeniable reality, and i have made the difficult choice to move on. Acceptance of both the reality of the situation, and the growth and purpose of the relationship that we had, has been key to my being able to grieve and find peace. it was a process over time and recently developed real definition because of new developments in that external situation. Sadly, there is no easy remedy for it, nor is there an end in sight. So, i am well, and still growing toward secure. ❤️ so thank you! Ugh, sorry to hear... and welcome to the Club, I guess.
I thought it was working, him being with you through this difficult period and all that.
It gets better with time, I've become detached and a lot happier already.
i'm doing really good! i hope you are also. i feel like it was the right choice, and it was based on our differing priorities. so, all is well. i don't want to be a part of the breakup club here actually, i can't quite relate to what i experience on the boards around breakups but i can see it's a matter of people being different places in their individual journeys. but i'll probably continue to post moving forward to my next chapter |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 20:05:54 GMT
also @curious, there is much i have not andnwould not share here, it's not a matter of him supporting as you might think.
it has much to do with a very heavy situation outside the relationship i and the inpingement it creates.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 20:18:49 GMT
also @curious , there is much i have not andnwould not share here, it's not a matter of him supporting as you might think. it has much to do with a very heavy situation outside the relationship i and the inpingement it creates. I understand, situations are way more complex usually, and I applaud your efforts to keep it close to your heart, knowing what is best for the two of you and going one step at a time. Not the "funnest" of Clubs to join, for sure. 
It's strange but my exDA and I too, we could feel that we both care for each other and we are a little in love, he is sad too  but there's no solution, so we just move on, one day at a time. Not easy but we all have to do it. Courage! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 21:25:52 GMT
also @curious , there is much i have not andnwould not share here, it's not a matter of him supporting as you might think. it has much to do with a very heavy situation outside the relationship i and the inpingement it creates. I understand, situations are way more complex usually, and I applaud your efforts to keep it close to your heart, knowing what is best for the two of you and going one step at a time. Not the "funnest" of Clubs to join, for sure.
It's strange but my exDA and I too, we could feel that we both care for each other and we are a little in love, he is sad too but there's no solution, so we just move on, one day at a time. Not easy but we all have to do it. Courage! absolutely, and i have chosen not to share details of my relationship on this board because of the way that people tend to project their own narrative with their ex DA onto what they read and respond to. but, i have a phenomenal support system and my own emotional process has served me well, so onward and upward. |
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He wants two independent persons coming together only for dates and sex, he is afraid for a partner to become dependent on him, he needs weeks away from me to spend on his work and family, and he is fine for a long term relationship on his terms.
, since it takes time to find out), but he is an enigma that I only begin to understand as I go through the threads on Jeb's forum and hearing from other DAs/FAs.
but there's no solution, so we just move on, one day at a time. Not easy but we all have to do it. Courage!