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Post by goldilocks on May 27, 2018 10:59:42 GMT
Now that I am back in season, I want to improve my dating skills.
I really struggle with the showing interest part. Maybe I overthink things, but I feel too awkward to show interest in the moment a large part of the time, which does not help when I want to date.
One guy did ask me outright if I was interested and said I was hard to gauge. Miraculously I got vulnerable and told him I was but am just not good at this. We talked about how uneasy this whole thing is and actually set a date.
I also have another date with a guy who is just really open and forthright.
Some of the guys I chat with just leave because I am not on there chatting a lot. For me, I can do a bit of it, but also want my alone time and not focus so much on dating. I do give compliments and say friendly things, but maybe it is actually the amount of attention shown that they think insufficient.
Could be that some of them are just spoiled or insecure, but what is normal?
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Post by tnr9 on May 27, 2018 12:15:13 GMT
Now that I am back in season, I want to improve my dating skills. I really struggle with the showing interest part. Maybe I overthink things, but I feel too awkward to show interest in the moment a large part of the time, which does not help when I want to date. One guy did ask me outright if I was interested and said I was hard to gauge. Miraculously I got vulnerable and told him I was but am just not good at this. We talked about how uneasy this whole thing is and actually set a date. I also have another date with a guy who is just really open and forthright. Some of the guys I chat with just leave because I am not on there chatting a lot. For me, I can do a bit of it, but also want my alone time and not focus so much on dating. I do give compliments and say friendly things, but maybe it is actually the amount of attention shown that they think insufficient. Could be that some of them are just spoiled or insecure, but what is normal? Hey Goldilocks....first I commend your honesty about yourself and what you find challenging. 🙂 I hate the word "normal" because it presumes that what is the "norm" is what we all should work towards, when I believe that we all are unique. Have you considered having a dating coach who matches you with people? It may work better because the coach does the screening on your behalf. Just a consideration. |
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Post by mrob on May 27, 2018 13:30:34 GMT
I had a lady once tell me that I needed too much validation. Tell me the boot wasn’t on the other foot!
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Post by goldilocks on May 27, 2018 15:21:41 GMT
I am indeed too passive.
When I don't know the person well yet, I have a hard time initiating and tend to go wih the flow.
That said, I realise this is not helpful and want more flexibility in my style.
Thanks for the tips.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2018 18:25:09 GMT
Do you think you are not expressing interest because you aren't really interested?
That is my problem - I haven't become interested in anyone before or after exDA. 
On dates, I try to reframe it as meeting a potential friend, and try to see the positives about the other person - is he wearing something cool? Is his passion/hobby something you can learn more about? Does he hold unique opinions or views? I find that the less I think of it as a "date"...phew...loaded term, the more relaxed I will be. Unfortunately, the other person might not be looking for anything like friendship, but wants to rush things along, and I guess that is quite the dilemma. From an Avoidant point of view, that could look like a red flag, but it might just be normal human behavior.
I managed to become friends with a few men I've met, and I think it's great to have a companion to go out to do things with, with no expectations. Feel more relaxed this way.  My biggest problem is not feeling much chemistry for most dates, in fact I only felt something for exDA. I had to ask him recently for a favor to recommend a service from his native city on a friend's behalf, and boy, that triggered me badly!
He helped me rather nicely, but has become more aloof, which I think is good for my recovery.  |
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Post by goldilocks on May 27, 2018 20:42:28 GMT
I am interested in going on a date with a cute guy. Until that I have no idea if I'm into him for more.
Feeling interest is probably different for me than for an AP or a secure, but I am pretty sure that if I managed to show the level of interest I actually have, it would be enormously helpful.
What puts me at ease is someone saying "I'd like a relationship, but am in no hurry and not expecting it".
Seeing the positives and expressing them would be a good idea.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2018 23:45:32 GMT
hi goldi, following you here while i take care of my grief process personally, and am not posting much at all.
continuing on from our email convo earlier today-
openness is key, risk taking is ok, it's just two humans learning more about each other. there is so little that can be determined online- sometimes the best you might be able to do is make sure there isn't absolute aversion. haha. i've been told to be more open to potential , in the past when i was using online introduction sites.
the thing about guys giving up-
my preference for online dating is a short intro online, just a few online chats to gauge interest to meet.
that's all you can guess- is - "do i care to meet this person in person?"
often, just a few chats can reveal that.
I myself like to move toward a decision relatively quickly. if you are having pleasant conversations without indicating a desire or willingness to meet, many will read that as disinterest or just move on.
over time, i learned to make the process efficient. it's only an introduction, and it should be polite and well mannered and honest. But i must add, the process is difficult as an avoidant, as i have to continually overcome the urge to just say no and go away.
many seasoned online daters quickly tire of chatting, and if days pass without a response, the assumption is often that you are pursuing someone else, are not interested, or not sincere in a desire to actually meet.
lots of online daters are not looking to meet but are simply distracting themselves from a breakup, collecting attention, hiding out, soothing their boredom or loneliness, etc.
so prompt replies and expressed intention go a long way toward creating an efficient process to meet in person and explore interest and potential from there.
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Post by goldilocks on May 28, 2018 4:17:40 GMT
Openness and risk taking... Yes, opening up feels risky to me, but I notice I now do it at times. the thing about guys giving up- my preference for online dating is a short intro online, just a few online chats to gauge interest to meet. that's all you can guess- is - "do i care to meet this person in person?" often, just a few chats can reveal that. I myself like to move toward a decision relatively quickly. if you are having pleasant conversations without indicating a desire or willingness to meet, many will read that as disinterest or just move on. This is also my preference. If I like a guy's pictures, he seems fun and has some interests that show intelligence, I'd be willing to meet. The meeting would then just be a start to getting to know each other. over time, i learned to make the process efficient. it's only an introduction, and it should be polite and well mannered and honest. But i must add, the process is difficult as an avoidant, as i have to continually overcome the urge to just say no and go away. many seasoned online daters quickly tire of chatting, and if days pass without a response, the assumption is often that you are pursuing someone else, are not interested, or not sincere in a desire to actually meet. lots of online daters are not looking to meet but are simply distracting themselves from a breakup, collecting attention, hiding out, soothing their boredom or loneliness, etc. so prompt replies and expressed intention go a long way toward creating an efficient process to meet in person and explore interest and potential from there. I feel sort of low key stressed when on the dating site. It is exciting, and that is a good thing. Yet too much just makes me feel stressed and want to be alone. It is getting better. The other weekend I was at my mom's and did not log in and all the guys were upset. |
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 12:50:45 GMT
Upset would be an irritating reaction.
i found the online dating thing to be taxing, and ultimately gave up on it.
It's difficult enough for me to try to date,
and very difficult when there is so much to wade through as there is online.
Have you tried other venues, like speed dating, matchmakers, etc?
i haven't, but i know people who have.
dating is difficult for me, it's against my deepest instincts and i will have to do work around that if i ever am in a place to try it again.
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Post by goldilocks on May 28, 2018 18:15:33 GMT
I find all venues to be stressful in their own way, but I also enjoy the excitement of meeting cute new guys even if I go into it kicking and screaming.
With my heart opening up after all the therapy and healing, I want to make use of it.
I'm even starting to feel a bit lonely at times, which distresses me but is perhaps a good sign.
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 18:39:40 GMT
I find all venues to be stressful in their own way, but I also enjoy the excitement of meeting cute new guys even if I go into it kicking and screaming. With my heart opening up after all the therapy and healing, I want to make use of it. I'm even starting to feel a bit lonely at times, which distresses me but is perhaps a good sign. ❤️ i remember this awakening in me, in the last 3-4 years. it's a bit of a roller coaster. the happiness, excitement, even the loneliness , made me realize i am alive, and have something to give and receive,i need not be an island. my heart is with you! i want to be an island, still, but i am creeping toward the mainland. |
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Post by goldilocks on May 28, 2018 19:46:31 GMT
We can be peninsulae!
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 20:51:45 GMT
😂😍 can i just be an island within wading distance? or maybe reachable by inflatable raft? 😬😂 and can we please be close? ❤️ |
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Post by goldilocks on May 28, 2018 20:55:02 GMT
We can be an archipelago with all the nice smart and attractive men...
❤️❤️❤️
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 21:18:20 GMT
We can be an archipelago with all the nice smart and attractive men... ❤️❤️❤️ gurllllll....... i'm there. 😆 |
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