|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 28, 2018 21:19:24 GMT
and we can have bridges with gates or fences to be connected but also kinda not.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 22:44:59 GMT
and we can have bridges with gates or fences to be connected but also kinda not. omg hahaha how about drawbridges? i like how you think! 😂😂😘 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2018 22:56:04 GMT
P.S. goldilocks.... don't suggest the above scenario to potential dates, or describe it in your dating profile. . let's talk about your dating profile next, hahaha! jkjk i bet you have a good one. and, i write the worst dismissive profile possible so i can't help you. 🙄 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 2:59:04 GMT
you know, goldilocks, i've been thinking about this more today. as you know i am heavily deactivated due to the impending death of my mother, and all the issues surrounding. it's very difficult for me to recall things around "relationship building " when i am in this space . but i do recall, having the very same difficulty you are having. the online portion was manageable. i was efficient and honest and able to be appropriate with that process. it was moving it into real life that got me stuck. i did have the idea to get to know these guys, and thought i wanted to. i was very unable. . i couldn't get anything off the ground, i was unable to move beyond one date and a period of phone calls/texting, with vague intentions and confusion before abandoning the effort. i went on several first dates but eventually needed to stop because it was very stressful for me. and the whole thing made me love my solitude even more. as i have shared also, my current man and i got to know each other over time organically, sharing an interest, and it was a good way to go for me to develop some relationship and intimacy and authenticity skills. i was able to grow slowly over a long time. this brings me to the question, do you have an opportunity to share something you really enjoy in a singles/ social setting? i know that the best way for me to relax, as avoidant, while acquainting and eventually bonding, is to share an activity, not in a date setting, in a social setting with no expectation. i find it easier to be myself and share with a person that way, it is easier for me to open up and also to make a good space for them to open up. just spitballin. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 29, 2018 3:26:46 GMT
P.S. goldilocks .... don't suggest the above scenario to potential dates, or describe it in your dating profile. . let's talk about your dating profile next, hahaha! jkjk i bet you have a good one. and, i write the worst dismissive profile possible so i can't help you. 🙄 Of course not! It is also half joking... I use a site without a profile, so it is pretty relaxed. Of course any environment has clingy guys and I am yet to go on the dates but will see. The reason I chose to use online, is because I will have dates soon. I need to interact with men interested in me to grow accustomed to the feelings and to learn to be less awkward. I do meet men IRL, but the frequency is less and hence the learning is less. I told you about the guy who liked me, from my circle, that I also liked but it did not work out. Possibly because I feel uneasy when someone actually pursues me romantically if his cards are not completely open. I also have a hard time opening up in front of others. I think both ways lead to learning and I am open to meeting someone either way. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 3:45:49 GMT
P.S. goldilocks .... don't suggest the above scenario to potential dates, or describe it in your dating profile. . let's talk about your dating profile next, hahaha! jkjk i bet you have a good one. and, i write the worst dismissive profile possible so i can't help you. 🙄 Of course not! It is also half joking... I use a site without a profile, so it is pretty relaxed. Of course any environment has clingy guys and I am yet to go on the dates but will see. The reason I chose to use online, is because I will have dates soon. I need to interact with men interested in me to grow accustomed to the feelings and to learn to be less awkward. I do meet men IRL, but the frequency is less and hence the learning is less. I told you about the guy who liked me, from my circle, that I also liked but it did not work out. Possibly because I feel uneasy when someone actually pursues me romantically if his cards are not completely open. I also have a hard time opening up in front of others. I think both ways lead to learning and I am open to meeting someone either way. it feels good to read this because i understand, i also undertook online dating as kind of a class, an experiment to familiarize myself with interacting in that capacity. i didn't do very well at it but it was an intense learning process. i did learn. i just wasn't successful with the dating part. i felt embarrassed by my ineptitude, and i knew that some people were just doing it naturally and having a decent time but for me it was all new, every bit of it. i took a very long time, months, just to write my profile, just to get used to the idea and find out what to write about myself. i learned a lot about myself just doing that. it was a long process. i would just save, then come back and read and see i wrote bullshit, so i would edit and get closer to what i really wanted to say, save, reflect, edit, etc. i was just trying to get as close to myself as possible with it. it still was a dismissive profile but that's the truth of me. i don't do online well because of it. i really have come a long way now that i think of it. i am really glad you are doing this for yourself (and for one very lucky guy). |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 3:57:38 GMT
P.S. goldilocks .... don't suggest the above scenario to potential dates, or describe it in your dating profile. . let's talk about your dating profile next, hahaha! jkjk i bet you have a good one. and, i write the worst dismissive profile possible so i can't help you. 🙄 Of course not! It is also half joking... I use a site without a profile, so it is pretty relaxed. Of course any environment has clingy guys and I am yet to go on the dates but will see. The reason I chose to use online, is because I will have dates soon. I need to interact with men interested in me to grow accustomed to the feelings and to learn to be less awkward. I do meet men IRL, but the frequency is less and hence the learning is less. I told you about the guy who liked me, from my circle, that I also liked but it did not work out. Possibly because I feel uneasy when someone actually pursues me romantically if his cards are not completely open. I also have a hard time opening up in front of others. I think both ways lead to learning and I am open to meeting someone either way. i was just teasing 😘 but i am mostly serious about the islands and drawbridges 😍😂 |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 29, 2018 4:16:01 GMT
I have dated online in the past, and did meet my last boyfriend there, so I have a good experience at least. For the past five years, I have not really dated, but I feel ready now. My skills may be poor but my heart is pure.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 4:26:58 GMT
I have dated online in the past, and did meet my last boyfriend there, so I have a good experience at least. For the past five years, I have not really dated, but I feel ready now. My skills may be poor but my heart is pure. a big difference too is that you did a lot of work to become secure before dating, i was unaware but trying to grow, and had no clue about attachment theory. and, i am really excited for you in this process. i wish i could be better help. it really will be a very fortunate man that wins you!! |
|
|
|
Post by squirrelkitty on May 29, 2018 14:18:02 GMT
I was going to say the same as @curious, just treat it as an opportunity to get to know a new person. If you don't treat it as a 'date' or potential relationship, you might not get 'triggered' as easily. I'm not saying you should act as if getting to know someone is less valuable than dating. But you don't owe anyone a relationship just because you had a pleasant chat with them. It might lead to a relationship or you might make a new friend. I don't know what you are like as a person, but all the DAs I know are very sociable.
You could also just tell the guy in advance that you don't like pressure in general. That would make it easier for him not to take your behaviour personally and he will appreciate it when you make an effort. If he can't cope, he's got only himself to blame.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 29, 2018 17:15:32 GMT
I have dated online in the past, and did meet my last boyfriend there, so I have a good experience at least. For the past five years, I have not really dated, but I feel ready now. My skills may be poor but my heart is pure. a big difference too is that you did a lot of work to become secure before dating, i was unaware but trying to grow, and had no clue about attachment theory. and, i am really excited for you in this process. i wish i could be better help. it really will be a very fortunate man that wins you!! Thank you! Yes, I know my flaws and am in principle willing to open up about them and adjust for them. I'm pretty secure and the triggers are not as strong. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 29, 2018 17:17:19 GMT
I was going to say the same as @curious , just treat it as an opportunity to get to know a new person. If you don't treat it as a 'date' or potential relationship, you might not get 'triggered' as easily. I'm not saying you should act as if getting to know someone is less valuable than dating. But you don't owe anyone a relationship just because you had a pleasant chat with them. It might lead to a relationship or you might make a new friend. I don't know what you are like as a person, but all the DAs I know are very sociable. You could also just tell the guy in advance that you don't like pressure in general. That would make it easier for him not to take your behaviour personally and he will appreciate it when you make an effort. If he can't cope, he's got only himself to blame. It helpt to realise that dating is not being in a relationship. I liked the dating tip about not getting into a relationship before knowing another 2 or 3 months. Then early dating is just getting to know cute new guys and having fun together. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2018 17:48:19 GMT
the friendship slant on courtship is the most important to me as DA, and coupled with incredible chemistry that has turned into a really meaningful connection between my partner and i.
and he stayed constant through yet another deep deactivation for me so he just became an even better friend.
that's the most important thing anyway .
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on May 29, 2018 18:25:06 GMT
I try to go to the dating site every day but after 20 minutes I'm pretty tired and want to do other stuff. Also, I might have to weed a little as there are too many guys in there now. I have someting similar with Linkedin and lots of recruiter messages.
Much like a meal that is too big...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:23:08 GMT
Hello ladies! Hello squirrelkitty, welcome.  I'm also feeling really low-energy about dating. It must be me, because it can't be the men. I guess it's harder for me because I do have a "type", must not be bald, must be intelligent, fun, etc.  I don't know how to overcome my lizard-brain resistance when I don't feel attracted to my dates. :/  How do I rev up my interest?
Still feeling pangs about exDA.. it was a bad idea to contact him again, very bad! and worse, I'll be meeting my good friend in his native country, I'll keep thinking about him throughout my visit, damn I *need* that Eternal Sunshine contraption!
Any techniques to share about forgetting?
How do the DAs do it? I mean, how does *he* do it? I bet he's forgotten and moved on.
|
|
