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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:25:06 GMT
Sorry to hear about your mom juniper. Hope she gets better, and that your family is coping with this difficult time.  |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:43:36 GMT
Sorry to hear about your mom juniper. Hope she gets better, and that your family is coping with this difficult time. thank you curious. she is dying of end stage cancer. the death of an abusive parent is difficult on many levels. there is a lot of trauma around the closure. it's complex. but goldi has been a true sister to me through all of my recent growth and processes, and i want to support her in her new adventures! 😍 so i will be here for her, for that! thank you for your kindness. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:45:52 GMT
Ack, juniper, was she abusive to you? This is tough! Are you able to distance yourself from any past pain while you stay compassionately with her?
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:02:34 GMT
Ack, juniper, was she abusive to you? This is tough! i always thought it was BPD. and she has been very psychologically abusive, yes. professionals involved believe she is sociopathic , with me as her target. i was too shut down with PTSD for most my life to do anything other than dissociate and survive. i recovered, healed, and went back to reconcile a year ago, not clear about the underlying severity. i could not be clear before, i was trying to survive. i moved in to take care of her as she dies ,and i was a daughter grieving , taking tender care of my mom in her last days. she reported to our hospice a claim that i was abusing her and she is unsafe with me. the social worker intervened on my behalf and of course does not believe any abuse, rather, he is the one that enlightened me to the intentional cruelty i have endured all my life. i have had to walk away, with a new undersranding, and reprocess my life. it makes sense now. i am ok. i am more than ok, i am liberated. but this has been very difficult and two posters from the boards have reached out to me consistenly to help me tend to this. Goldi is one. the man who wins the heart of this woman, will be blessed to the end of his days. ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:08:06 GMT
Oh dear, I had no idea that she is disordered. That is horrendous to have to deal with growing up. It's great that you are able to distance from the engulfment of her disorder and survive the abuse. Congratulations! Not an easy journey... She might not give you closure, my stepmother never did to her last breath, so I hope you are prepared to close this difficult chapter yourself. It is simply wonderful that you have learned and retained enough insight, so let the journey continue to a brighter place going forward.  Hugs! |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:20:55 GMT
Oh dear, I had no idea that she is disordered. That is horrendous to have to deal with growing up. It's great that you are able to distance from the engulfment of her disorder and survive the abuse. Congratulations! Not an easy journey... She might not give you closure, my stepmother never did to her last breath, so I hope you are prepared to close this difficult chapter yourself. It is simply wonderful that you have learned and retained enough insight, so let the journey continue to a brighter place going forward. Hugs! she gave me closure by revealing her self in her final days as i grieved. it has been very traumatic to re-live the memories in the new context. but healing, one by one. releasing, dark mystery solved. no more confusion. now i know the truth. and, i understand why i became so deeply avoidant. my deactivations are so painful for me, but i understand the survival behind them. i still require gentle stability from those around me to make it through. and i have that. goldi helps me, and my partner helps me. he has learned me and has grace and patience and fortitude. i am so blessed, and i feel so much hope for the next chapters of my life. i am so thankful! i have had many women and my partner tending to me, tending to me, loving me, helping me, sheltering me, blowing into the embers of my heart and mind, to not let them go out. i am no longer alone. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:46:15 GMT
juniper, that is SO AWESOME, I'm so glad that you are getting closure, and you have good people with you through this. I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart for her. A Disorder isn't a choice, and unfortunately, those of us who have to deal with disordered people needlessly suffered. Forgiveness is divine, and is quite miraculous because it heals you too, from within. Your partner and goldi are champs! Hope you keep up your love for them and open a new door for yourself even as you close this one. I'm so happy for you! |
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Post by goldilocks on May 30, 2018 17:35:29 GMT
juniperI am happy to be able to help you! Hopefully the support can bring you the strength you need to get you through your mothers transition to the afterlife.
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Post by goldilocks on May 30, 2018 17:41:25 GMT
Hello ladies! Hello squirrelkitty, welcome. I'm also feeling really low-energy about dating. It must be me, because it can't be the men. I guess it's harder for me because I do have a "type", must not be bald, must be intelligent, fun, etc.  I don't know how to overcome my lizard-brain resistance when I don't feel attracted to my dates. :/  How do I rev up my interest?
Still feeling pangs about exDA.. it was a bad idea to contact him again, very bad! and worse, I'll be meeting my good friend in his native country, I'll keep thinking about him throughout my visit, damn I *need* that Eternal Sunshine contraption!
Any techniques to share about forgetting?
How do the DAs do it? I mean, how does *he* do it? I bet he's forgotten and moved on.
I would avoid dating guys who have no point of attraction. Dating is already uneasy, and if you feel repulsed by his looks in pictures or underwhelmed with his intellect, it could really suck to spend 2 hours with him seeing you as a sexual or romantic prospect. There is no need to be magnetically attracted at first sight, passion can heat up over time. |
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Post by goldilocks on May 30, 2018 17:49:36 GMT
I have removed all matches under 4 stars and turned off the stream of new matches. 12 guys remain to talk to and I am not going to let new matches come in until I have fewer than 10 remaining.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 17:53:35 GMT
I would avoid dating guys who have no point of attraction. Dating is already uneasy, and if you feel repulsed by his looks in pictures or underwhelmed with his intellect, it could really suck to spend 2 hours with him seeing you as a sexual or romantic prospect. There is no need to be magnetically attracted at first sight, passion can heat up over time. Dating does suck this way...  I'm trying not to turn down those to whom I'm not physically attracted to in case their intellect, humor and personality make up for it but they often don't. So I got sweaty, bald, bellied, odoriferous, vapid, lacking manners, unpleasant, entitled, etc. the whole package. Oh what fun! |
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Post by goldilocks on May 30, 2018 18:02:04 GMT
You can set your standards a little higher without being rigid. Say he is bald, but shaves his head, dresses well and in decent shape, you can go on that date as you may well become attracted in spite of his lack of hair. But if he looks more like an uncle, just let it slide. Otherwise dating will be a chore.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 18:49:05 GMT
I have removed all matches under 4 stars and turned off the stream of new matches. 12 guys remain to talk to and I am not going to let new matches come in until I have fewer than 10 remaining. managing volume is great. i did the same, in order to minimize the overwhelm that i sometimes felt. its not like a job search in a poor economy, where i need to explore every single option and make do. No emergency, no rush, make it what works for you. and the same to attraction/openness. openness, yes, but why pursue what doesn't attract? it goes to honoring perceptions and feelings, and desires, and trusting them. |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 1, 2018 19:55:33 GMT
Today in therapy we did some exercises related to dating. I was wobbling and giggling like a 17yo girl. I really laugh at myself. Hope the guys like awkward and uneasy but vulnerable!
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 1, 2018 21:58:09 GMT
You are sweet Anne!
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I'm trying not to turn down those to whom I'm not physically attracted to in case their intellect, humor and personality make up for it but they often don't. So I got sweaty, bald, bellied, odoriferous, vapid, lacking manners, unpleasant, entitled, etc. the whole package. Oh what fun!