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Post by goldilocks on Jun 2, 2018 11:01:56 GMT
What a funny video! They are shallow though...
I love the song by the way and listenning to it puts me in a good date mood.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 11:39:28 GMT
I *love* Cyndi Lauper, and the video is FUN! Thank you Anne.  I notice how she made the effort to include different groups in her video, girls of all colors having fun. Actually, that's all we need for the moment, we don't really need to find "The One", but just hang out and have fun. Music and dancing are awesome ways to have fun, and I will be going to outdoor cinema+disco tonight with my AP/Histrionic friend. It's a good way to get her to be *present*, so she doesn't act out on her insecurity and go on and on with the navel-gazing, sighing about men (or the lack thereof) and made-up stories to make her life seem more interesting. I've invited her out to group get-togethers but if there are no potential dates, she isn't interested. She is freaking me out though, with the copying - she copies my dressing, makeup, even the way I've shortened my name, so our names are identical! It is something that bothers me alot and I realize I need to distance myself so she can build her own identity. Is this something to be concerned about? What is the healthiest way to deal with this friend so she can thrive on her own? The SATC scene is hilarious, though I don't find it so cut and dried in real life. The men I have come across are the opposite - they judge the "worth" of the woman based on what she can bring to the table. They would love to date a rich thin woman.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 11:51:29 GMT
I have removed all matches under 4 stars and turned off the stream of new matches. 12 guys remain to talk to and I am not going to let new matches come in until I have fewer than 10 remaining. managing volume is great. i did the same, in order to minimize the overwhelm that i sometimes felt. its not like a job search in a poor economy, where i need to explore every single option and make do. No emergency, no rush, make it what works for you. and the same to attraction/openness. openness, yes, but why pursue what doesn't attract? it goes to honoring perceptions and feelings, and desires, and trusting them. It does feel like a job search in a poor economy.
Maybe i'm ok with being "unemployed", and yes, even though they look ok in their profile pictures, they turned up looking very "uncle".  Even my exDA I suspect lied about his age by 10 years as it appears on Google search, but he is still my type, so it doesn't bother me.
I guess I'm fine with just having fun for the moment, and working on the best version of myself.
I think I would have so much fun with you all in real life, if we ever meet one day, working on transcending our past and focusing on living in the present, and hopeful about the future as Secures.
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 2, 2018 13:04:54 GMT
I think you need higher standards. I mean an age difference can be okay but if a guy lies about his age by 10 years it looks really bad. What is he looking to do? Get much younger women who are not open to men his age? If he was 40 saying 39 I could see the point and forgive. On the cusp of certain weights heights and ages, a tiny fib can help you through the door. People can select their best pictures but you do have to resemble your pictures otherwise it is deceiving.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 13:14:09 GMT
I *love* Cyndi Lauper, and the video is FUN! Thank you Anne. I notice how she made the effort to include different groups in her video, girls of all colors having fun. Actually, that's all we need for the moment, we don't really need to find "The One", but just hang out and have fun. Music and dancing are awesome ways to have fun, and I will be going to outdoor cinema+disco tonight with my AP/Histrionic friend. It's a good way to get her to be *present*, so she doesn't act out on her insecurity and go on and on with the navel-gazing, sighing about men (or the lack thereof) and made-up stories to make her life seem more interesting. I've invited her out to group get-togethers but if there are no potential dates, she isn't interested. She is freaking me out though, with the copying - she copies my dressing, makeup, even the way I've shortened my name, so our names are identical! It is something that bothers me alot and I realize I need to distance myself so she can build her own identity. Is this something to be concerned about? What is the healthiest way to deal with this friend so she can thrive on her own? The SATC scene is hilarious, though I don't find it so cut and dried in real life. The men I have come across are the opposite - they judge the "worth" of the woman based on what she can bring to the table. They would love to date a rich thin woman. I will "mimic" too...I usually take on more of a person's overall attitude versus dressing etc like them. I think for me..it has been a journey of not really knowing what a secure/self confident person looks like for myself...so I copy someone I admire and change it slightly to be more me. I have needed less and less copying as I have grown to be more accepting of myself. If I were in your shoes...I might ask her some questions about who she sees herself to be and encourage her to share that a bit more through her dress/make up etc. You may want to go shopping with her to encourage her unique body type and expression of herself. I know I struggle with boundaries because my mom had such strong ones. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 13:19:31 GMT
I think you need higher standards. I mean an age difference can be okay but if a guy lies about his age by 10 years it looks really bad. What is he looking to do? Get much younger women who are not open to men his age? If he was 40 saying 39 I could see the point and forgive. On the cusp of certain weights heights and ages, a tiny fib can help you through the door. People can select their best pictures but you do have to resemble your pictures otherwise it is deceiving. He does resemble his pictures, so he looks perhaps younger than his age. However, maybe I'm just blind because he is my type, completely.
Yes, he did sort of hinted that he thought a younger woman would be more desirable but he felt the chemistry with me. I do suspect he was looking for a younger girlfriend, a lot of men in France do that, shamelessly. You see a lot of May-Decembers strolling around hand-in-hand.
I attended what I was told was a BBQ once, but it ended up being a really posh "BBQ" at a wealthy IT entrepreneur's cool bachelor pad with a DJ and a wild boar roasting over an open fire. He's in his 50s with a girlfriend in her 20s, and so were all the couples who came to this party. I reckon I must have been one of the oldest women there, and the other older women were the spouses of their partners. These are men who are seeking a second wind, who are on very strict diet, who are divorced from their older wives and dating younger attractive women.
My exDA isn't one of these though, he is more "square" and stingy!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 13:27:38 GMT
I will "mimic" too...I usually take on more of a person's overall attitude versus dressing etc like them. I think for me..it has been a journey of not really knowing what a secure/self confident person looks like for myself...so I copy someone I admire and change it slightly to be more me. I have needed less and less copying as I have grown to be more accepting of myself. If I were in your shoes...I might ask her some questions about who she sees herself to be and encourage her to share that a bit more through her dress/make up etc. You may want to go shopping with her to encourage her unique body type and expression of herself. I know I struggle with boundaries because my mom had such strong ones. The problem with micmicry is that it is a false self and will not feel authentic, and you will feel worse off, as if you really don't see anything worthwhile in yourself to build on.
It is much better to pick up on traits within yourself that you like, to build them up, and to discard those that do not serve you well in your healthier life.
The editing needs to be real, you have to stare down that which you fear, that you are "not worthy" inside, and build up what you and your friends like about you, but do it with a therapist to be safe.
I'm tip-toeing around my real life AP friend, but frankly, it is very difficult to be straight with her because she *likes* her dysfunctional self, the one that resembles a middle-aged matronly "princess" who feels entitled to attention from everyone around her, alienating friends and potential dates and she will rage against those who carefully point out her issues.
And she has so many charming traits - she is young at heart, funny, loves attention, laughs heartily, so she can be successful in her own way with men if she can curb her issues.
All of us will be better off to love ourselves and build up the positives in us, while discarding the aspects that hinder our path towards becoming Secure.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 13:33:07 GMT
I will "mimic" too...I usually take on more of a person's overall attitude versus dressing etc like them. I think for me..it has been a journey of not really knowing what a secure/self confident person looks like for myself...so I copy someone I admire and change it slightly to be more me. I have needed less and less copying as I have grown to be more accepting of myself. If I were in your shoes...I might ask her some questions about who she sees herself to be and encourage her to share that a bit more through her dress/make up etc. You may want to go shopping with her to encourage her unique body type and expression of herself. I know I struggle with boundaries because my mom had such strong ones. The problem with micmicry is that it is a false self and will not feel authentic, and you will feel worse off, as if you really don't see anything worthwhile in yourself to build on.
It is much better to pick up on traits within yourself that you like, to build them up, and to discard those that do not serve you well in your healthier life.
The editing needs to be real, you have to stare down that which you fear, that you are "not worthy" inside, and build up what you and your friends like about you, but do it with a therapist to be safe.
Well..interestingly enough...it was more of a fake it till you make it approach and I did feel more self confident etc. Again...I tended to copy a person's way of talking and overall attitude...and i now don't rely on that as much as I used to....just trying to explain why your friend might be copying you. 😀 |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 2, 2018 13:33:21 GMT
That BBQ crowd sounds pretty superficial. It sounds like the men are being with someone to prove they still "got it" and the women are looking for a ticket into the posh scene.
Do these people feel they have anything to offer outside of looks and status?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 13:36:35 GMT
That BBQ crowd sounds pretty superficial. It sounds like the men are being with someone to prove they still "got it" and the women are looking for a ticket into the posh scene. Do these people feel they have anything to offer outside of looks and status? Sadly, the younger women were beautiful but also pretty awesome.  The birthday boy is himself a cool dude, think Silicon Valley Elon Musk types. I don't know much about the others as I did't have time to get to know them better. So while I'm sure the wealth is an attraction, I can't help but accept this trend isn't going to end anytime soon. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 13:44:02 GMT
Well..interestingly enough...it was more of a fake it till you make it approach and I did feel more self confident etc. Again...I tended to copy a person's way of talking and overall attitude...and i now don't rely on that as much as I used to....just trying to explain why your friend might be copying you. 😀 I'm not sure about that, as copying is something that is fake, false, and we all need to come clean with ourselves and others to build up the positives. She lies a lot about fabulous admirers too, and I can see that it is all related to the deeper insecurity- she can't exit this dysfunctional dynamic if she doesn't face it all, including her fantasies.
I kind of did that a little, when I was young and suffering tremendously under my stepmother. My nanny's family was very loving with me even after I grew up, and I pretended that hers was my family, her children who took care of me were my brothers and sisters, etc. and that was how I described my "family" to those around me in school.
It went on until one day I discovered my best friend in school wrote about me in her essay, about a delusional girl who pretended to have such a family, for which she received an A! 
That woke me up, as even my best buddy thought askance about that side of me.
The lesson I learned early is that the false/fake put people off. I feel like tearing myself away now from this friend because of the fantasies and fake reality she has built for herself, even though I do care for her. I want to run away from her negative side, but she is under the delusion that everyone around her *must* accept her for what she is, including the men. She doesn't realize that it is her negative side that failed her in two long-term relationships, and which will continue to sabotage her life, and this is a side that she needs to work on.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 14:07:15 GMT
Hmmmm..that then sounds very different then how I employed it....because I was still me...I just copied the other person's attitude of confidence when I needed it...but I see what you are getting at and it sounds very different. I never "pretended" to be someone else or change my story or manipulate anyone. It was just me a bit enhanced. 😀
Adding here...this is my last comment...I am not interested in derailing this thread. I was only trying to respond to the possible AP behavior for curious' friend.
Juniper, Goldilocks...just wanted to add that I so admire that you are here. Thank you.💕
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 3, 2018 17:58:16 GMT
I love Pippi!
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Even my exDA I suspect lied about his age by 10 years as it appears on Google search, but he is still my type, so it doesn't bother me.
The birthday boy is himself a cool dude, think Silicon Valley Elon Musk types. I don't know much about the others as I did't have time to get to know them better. So while I'm sure the wealth is an attraction, I can't help but accept this trend isn't going to end anytime soon.