Post by albert983 on May 30, 2018 19:23:00 GMT
Hi there,
i posted a thread some months ago about a relationship with who i thought was a fearful avoidant.
During this time apart from some personal advancement and hitting therapy hard to become more emotional independent and secure in love, i met again this girl. In a "friends" situation. Or may i say in a situation that doesn't threatens her.
I'm seeing things waaay more lightly now and she insist on being not exclusive (i'm starting to seeing other girls too, but more important i want to focus on a new social circle since a new girl cannot solve my anxiety problems per se, having more things built and for myself could help instead)
Talking to my therapist about this girl, she told me that she thinks she is dismissive. She probably doesn't want to do it to hurt me, she's just like that
I'll try to recap all the strange things in this relationship:
- She had a 5 years relationship (15-20 or something like that) with no vaginal intercourse. Technically she is a virgin and sexual things between her and her ex bf happened like once every couple of weeks or so
- From the first time she wanted to do anal and be spanked. That ring an enormous bell for me, since was only rough sex without emotional sex.
- After climax, unless she was VERY excited, she just fell to sleep and wanted me to hug her and remain silent. This situation always caused lots of frustration in me. She told me that after climax she just felt this big emptiness inside and wanted to feel someone with her to feel less emptiness. That thing really really puzzled me. After the sexual act i want to cuddle with my partner and caress her, and maybe joke together or talk a little, or smile together..not emptiness
- My sexual needs were never considered. There was only her, and if i was lucky she did something to me. The thing was never reciprocal (we never masturbated together for example)
- For her keeping this relationship was a chore. She wanted someone closed to her (her ex bf was like 10 minutes from her house and in five years she went to his place like 10 times), and since she has to get the train to see me all this situation was incredibly difficult for her. I mean, taking a train. It's like a 40 minute travel. By car is less than one hour.
- Bit of a workaholic. In previous relationship all that she did was working and seeing her exgf. No friends at first.
- She's in constant contact with many mens, but she is really naive about this. She doesn't even entertain the idea that a large part of those men want to have something with her.
- Big attention seeking, very very insecure inside, problem with self image. At first she appears confident, even bossy but inside i know she is really insecure and sees her as unloveable.
- She has no idea of reciprocation in relationship. VERY selfish. I mean when i took like a sweet at the restaurant, i naturally cut it in half for her (and for every other girl that i had). She could ate her and then ate some of mine, too. Apply this to every aspect of couple life.
- From like the second date she started talking about when she will be my ex, if we will remain friends and so on. At first i was upset, i mean what the fuck, if you want to be with me you will not think about what happens when we'll split up! And this topic came out almost every time we met. After a while i started taking this issue way less seriously
- She just didn't did public displays of affection. No kissing. Holding hands at best. But in private she was very affectionate and "cuddly"
- During the first three months when people asked about us i told "we're dating", she told "we're knowing each other"
- Absolutely no idea of what a sexual and emotional connection is (i mean she's virgin so i can guess why but this behavior is too extreme)
- We split up because i cannot cope without real intimacy and she felt overwhelmed with this relationship
- When i cut contact via message she sent me like 150 texts in one night telling me that i was hurting her and that she didn't wanted to be abandoned
so.. now we are seeing as friends, i have absolutely no expectations and honestly it huts me that she wants to see other people but i want to try a couple of months and seeing where it goes, without putting labels, without pressing her, just living things for the moment. i think this is the only way to go with a DA, but in the meantime i'm focusing in my life outside of her, and taking this as an exercise to reach emotional independence.
what do you think? do you see behaviors that mirrors "yours" DA?
i posted a thread some months ago about a relationship with who i thought was a fearful avoidant.
During this time apart from some personal advancement and hitting therapy hard to become more emotional independent and secure in love, i met again this girl. In a "friends" situation. Or may i say in a situation that doesn't threatens her.
I'm seeing things waaay more lightly now and she insist on being not exclusive (i'm starting to seeing other girls too, but more important i want to focus on a new social circle since a new girl cannot solve my anxiety problems per se, having more things built and for myself could help instead)
Talking to my therapist about this girl, she told me that she thinks she is dismissive. She probably doesn't want to do it to hurt me, she's just like that
I'll try to recap all the strange things in this relationship:
- She had a 5 years relationship (15-20 or something like that) with no vaginal intercourse. Technically she is a virgin and sexual things between her and her ex bf happened like once every couple of weeks or so
- From the first time she wanted to do anal and be spanked. That ring an enormous bell for me, since was only rough sex without emotional sex.
- After climax, unless she was VERY excited, she just fell to sleep and wanted me to hug her and remain silent. This situation always caused lots of frustration in me. She told me that after climax she just felt this big emptiness inside and wanted to feel someone with her to feel less emptiness. That thing really really puzzled me. After the sexual act i want to cuddle with my partner and caress her, and maybe joke together or talk a little, or smile together..not emptiness
- My sexual needs were never considered. There was only her, and if i was lucky she did something to me. The thing was never reciprocal (we never masturbated together for example)
- For her keeping this relationship was a chore. She wanted someone closed to her (her ex bf was like 10 minutes from her house and in five years she went to his place like 10 times), and since she has to get the train to see me all this situation was incredibly difficult for her. I mean, taking a train. It's like a 40 minute travel. By car is less than one hour.
- Bit of a workaholic. In previous relationship all that she did was working and seeing her exgf. No friends at first.
- She's in constant contact with many mens, but she is really naive about this. She doesn't even entertain the idea that a large part of those men want to have something with her.
- Big attention seeking, very very insecure inside, problem with self image. At first she appears confident, even bossy but inside i know she is really insecure and sees her as unloveable.
- She has no idea of reciprocation in relationship. VERY selfish. I mean when i took like a sweet at the restaurant, i naturally cut it in half for her (and for every other girl that i had). She could ate her and then ate some of mine, too. Apply this to every aspect of couple life.
- From like the second date she started talking about when she will be my ex, if we will remain friends and so on. At first i was upset, i mean what the fuck, if you want to be with me you will not think about what happens when we'll split up! And this topic came out almost every time we met. After a while i started taking this issue way less seriously
- She just didn't did public displays of affection. No kissing. Holding hands at best. But in private she was very affectionate and "cuddly"
- During the first three months when people asked about us i told "we're dating", she told "we're knowing each other"
- Absolutely no idea of what a sexual and emotional connection is (i mean she's virgin so i can guess why but this behavior is too extreme)
- We split up because i cannot cope without real intimacy and she felt overwhelmed with this relationship
- When i cut contact via message she sent me like 150 texts in one night telling me that i was hurting her and that she didn't wanted to be abandoned
so.. now we are seeing as friends, i have absolutely no expectations and honestly it huts me that she wants to see other people but i want to try a couple of months and seeing where it goes, without putting labels, without pressing her, just living things for the moment. i think this is the only way to go with a DA, but in the meantime i'm focusing in my life outside of her, and taking this as an exercise to reach emotional independence.
what do you think? do you see behaviors that mirrors "yours" DA?