How to become yourself again

hi @rosetta , and welcome.
i've felt similarly in the past, as though i was fine until someone came along and hurt me and took everything away.

my experience is that i have learned that no one can take from me what i don't give. Important questions to search out are :
"what am i giving up, and why?"
those are deep questions with deep answers and they are key to healing.

As an adult with choices i have had the most healing by examining my own choices. rather than having a shaming effect on me, it's been empowering.

if you make yourself dependent on a person in an imbalanced and unhealthy way, they will likely come to resent that, and leave. it's a familiar dynamic, and one that typically ends very painfully.

In order to restore yourself it will be very important to take yourself out of the victim role and deeply examine the role you played in getting hurt. it's not about blame, it's about personal responsibility and owning your own condition instead of making someone else responsible for it. That's not just personal responsibility, it's a practice of self love and protection.

of course it is painful to be disappointed and excruciating to feel used. most of us here have felt that. I am DA and felt that after very hurtful experiences with AP partners.

However, at the end of the day, behind all that happens, along with whatever anyone else is doing, we are all thinking, behaving, and choosing, we have a very large part in whatever happens, in relationships.

if we can understand that part, looking with understanding and compassion at our selves, then we can heal and make changes to prevent repeating the mistakes we've made.

This isn't to say that your feelings aren't real and valid. But if you can find where you let yourself down to be with someone, instead of just focusing on how they let you down, you can really learn a lot, grow. and take better care of yourself so that when you find a partner again, you aren't risking your well being in the relationship, you're enhancing it.

@rosetta, i really understand this .
but, you may have grown during this pseudo relationship.
you may have gained some skills and ability to open, that are just the seeds of what you can have and be in a deeper relationship.
i know you miss him.
when i have had to let go of something i thought i wanted ,
i have thought of it as a noble sacrifice to my wiser self, a gift i give to nurture my future happiness.

all of your aspirations to grow, can be your reality.
i have grown so much by trying and "failing".

as you know, dysfunctional and painful relationships develop our worst selves.
the fear, unbalanced accommodation, lack of authenticity, resentment, etc.
our best relationships will feel like love and look like love too, without all that negativity.
turn your attention from him, and onto your new aspirations and the people who can help you become your best self.
🌺